Where do I go? Do I just rot away?

[Reminiscent_sky]

Hello, new member to the forums here 19M. To keep things concise I’m going to be blunt with it.

I’ve been recently broken up with by my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He was my reason to strive for anything past high school, before I met him I just thought I’d rot away in some alley making nothing of myself as I strived for nothing and didn’t believe I could get anywhere in the world. I didn’t even believe I could love before I met him. He proved me wrong.

But now he’s gone and now the crippling shade of loneliness is mixed with my old suffocating shadow of self loathing and aimlessness. I feel completely sub-human and just want to disappear as to not ruin any more lives.

But I’ve still got this candlelight-esque hope in me that this doesn’t have to be the end. But how? I’ve got nowhere to go, I hate all the pitiful faces that surround me and I feel like I’ll just shut down in this house. I feel like I need to meet people like me, people who won’t judge? (If that makes sense) maybe I could make friends with people that understand what I’m going through, it’s a silly idea I’m aware. I thought about inpatient psychiatric care but I’ve heard mixed opinions about it and I won’t have access to my online friends which are maybe the only thing keeping me together as of late. So where do I go? Is there even a place for a person like me?

[Croix]

Dear Reminiscent_sky~

I wish you a warm welcome here ot the Forum and hope you will find, if you look around, other people who are or have been in your position. A good place to start to look is in our Section "Sexuality and gender identity". If you see a conversation you like join in.

From the way you felt before you relationship and again now it sounds as if you have had a very hard life which has left you not thinking you are worth anything and a drag on others. While you might feel like that it is simply not true.

I had those feeling for a long time and while it is true life and other people was not always easy I found when I finally went and got help from a doctor that I had depression, and this was a huge factor in my life, basically poisoning my thoughts and denying me any form of hope. One could not point to any one thing that gave me this illness, it simply happened.

Sadly you have another event that causes great sadness. You said your boyfriend had broken off wiht you after you had been together nearly three years. Being in love can  make the whole world change, and I'm not surprised at all that it gave you motivation and hope the world would be a better place for you.

One's first love is very special, for some lucky people it lasts a lifetime, but for most it does come to an end. I still hold a special place in may heart for mine. As people get older they do change and that can cause breakups -not because anyone is at fault or is not an attractive person, it simply happens.

It is very hard not to blame yourself, as I did when it came to an end, but looking back now I can see it was not me - or the other person, we just started to want other tihngs.

You can hold someone's love for nearly three years, if you did not have desirable and attractive characteristics it would not have lasted nearly that long. This means, even if you find it hard to believe at the moment, that you have a lot to offer someone else, and in this world many will be seeking exactly the sort of person you are.

How you find each other I don't know, though I do know you need to try, meet more people and at the same tme see if there are things you enjoy in life - even small things - to give yourself a little kindness. I use comedians on YouTube for one thing.

If you have not already done so I'd suggest contacting QLIFE, where you can talk wiht a councilor  that understands, watch how other people have handled things and also there is a long list of resources to try.

I am now in such a good place I'd not want to swap my life for anyone's. Yours can turn around too

I hope you feel like coming back and talking some more

Croix

[Reminiscent_sky]

(1/2)

Thank you Croix for taking the time to respond to my post and welcoming me as well.

I'll see to it that your advice isn't squandered. Though I feel a lot of information about some of the more complex, deeper feelings was omitted for the sake of not going over the character limit (I wasn't quite sure how many I had left since the number never updated.) so I feel like I must elaborate on a few things I said for the sake of you and other potential readers.

I don't blame myself for not wishing to admit things had changed. Truth is it was from me not changing that caused the divide. We had a previous break up almost a year ago now where I pledged to improve myself. I was the furthest thing from independent. If I'm honest, I feel like a parasite. I was anxious about all new social stimuli that I had to interface with, I had no job, I was autistic and had unmedicated ADHDI, my self loathing would cause me to collapse in on myself and withdraw myself from others, I bottled up all my emotions in fear since I couldn't articulate my pain without sounding borderline manipulative which only caused me to explode in a torrential storm of sorrow on those I loved. I promised all of these things and yet, I never did.
as much as I wish I was ignorant and blissfully unaware to this fact I couldn't be. It was me who called him to break up with me as I felt I was holding him back from a life of fun and freedom.

I've always been reluctant to receive help as I don't want to burden people with my struggles, he was no exception. I didn't want to bother him with taking me to do things that I should be able to do myself. All that caused here though was the breakdown of my progression.

and so I basically awoke him from the dream to face the harsh reality. I went nowhere, and he didn't want to stay aboard the sinking ship anymore. He didn't love me anymore, it couldn't be that easy to say goodbye to someone you swore you'd be with eternally if he were. He didn't hate me, he wanted to be friends, but how can you be friends with somebody you painfully long for? What kind of friend would fall apart when you fall in love with someone else? I'd be holding onto false hope that served nobody's benefit. 

I only realised that after we separated that it didn't matter if I should be able to do these things on my own the reality of the situation is that I couldn't. The only issue with that is I could only be that vulnerable with him, so without him I stagnate again.

I put in the steps to becoming that better person I promised. Got a reference to a psychiatrist for a prescription for adhd and properly signed up to Centrelink after they refused me last time. It was scary, but the thought of losing him was much scarier. 

But it didn't matter. I broke his trust and he didn't trust me to not be accidentally lying to him to get his hopes up. He seemed tired of putting his faith in something yet to prove itself. He texted about how we bring the worst out of each-other but I knew that my worst was brought by me and me alone. And so, he didn't want to be together. Ever.

as you could expected I didn't take this well. I pleaded, I begged, the sorrow generated by my seething self hatred and my mental instability over the month of attempted no contact between each other spilled out of me like a glass pitcher shattering from a temperature change too fast for its internal stresses to manage, now he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Any attempt to explain how I felt was just written off as an indirect attempt at manipulation, and I can't even blame him for seeing things that way. He just wants me out of his life.

[Reminiscent_sky]

(2/2)

It's impossible to treat him as a passing face at this point. I've lived my life learning that I'm repulsive to most. I've been singled out numerous times as unattractive and strange for it to be just a matter of opinion. Most naysayers just pity me either way so I refuse to believe them. Before we met I thought I was AroAce because I just didn't feel love within myself. He proved that wrong. He made me believe for a while that I was a normal human with things to offer that outweighed my glaring issues, that I wasn't irredeemable. And for that he had my heart in its full. The feeling was something wholly unique. That's why I believe this platonic love people attempting to comfort me talk about is just misplaced definition for deeply caring. Love is a relentless clawing feeling that takes your soul in exchange for bliss, leaving you sleepless, confused and scared without respite if you have no way to profess it, it's a deal that you would take every time.

so now I'm back where I was. Aimless, drive-less, revolting.

A cadaver with a soul and now a heart. A heart that will never be healed. I don't long to be together with someone once again, I long for being the missing puzzle piece in someone's beautiful image. Something that I thought I already was.

This cannot be rushed or solved just by going on an app like he suggested I do. I don't wish to be on a market. Transactions of feelings like it's a monthly menu feels dystopian and cheap to me. Like you're more invested in not being alone than being in love. The only problem is I'll never get to experience love again, I refuse to believe the notion that anybody could love the ruined remains of an abomination of a human being outside of the maroon shaded myopic lens of immense pity.

Everything I do in pursuit of making people happy just ends up hurting all parties involved, like a double edged sword cursed with a conscience. It's why I don't just think I'm worthless, I know I am. This relationship was the final nail in the coffin. I can't even end everything for the knowledge of sorrow the action would cause. I don't seek to send a message of neglect or tiredness, I just want to stop screwing up everything I care about. It's why I wish I could just disappear, like I never existed.

I hope this explained a few things in higher detail than I left them earlier. Thank you for reading.

-When the bitter cold air chills you to your core, allow a moment to reminisce and look to the orange sherbet skies.

[Croix]

Dear Reminiscent_sky~

I'm not sure how to convince someone they are wrong using just a bit of text when they have already done a pretty thorough job of making their mind up.

You have convinced yourself over a long period of time you are not likable, a 'jinx' on others and have things lacking in yourself that others look for. I wish I had you crystal ball to see the future.

You have also decided that where others that might say something that may be partly inapplicable it does not mean there is not a grain of truth, and you ignore it. If others are trying, even clumsily, to offer a measure of comfort that shows they think you deserve it and they want to comfort you.

You have already seen at least one of your opinions turned out to be wrong, you are not in a complete AroAce, which is in fact a matter of degree, and you found someone who you were able to be attracted to. It can happen again, the potential in you is there. Pity will not come into it, it will be you that is the attraction (yes, I know, at the present impossible to believe)

Autism/ADHD also is a spectrum, and hopefully with the right clinical support life will be easier to manage and your dislike for yourself self will lessen. Not every psychologist or psychiatrist is skilled in htis area, so you need someone wiht expereince whom you get on with.

I hope you do get properly signed up with Centerlink. The fact they refused in the past is more likly to be due ot the way your applications was written up than it was any shortcoming on your part.

Having a relationship is basically a matter of mutual support, You do not say anything abut how you supported your ex-partner's needs, although I'm sure you would have. Even in breaking up, if I understand you correctly, you are trying to do the best for them. Actually breaking up may not in fact be the best solution if you are faced wiht this  situation again. Relying on the other person is natural.

With severe PTSD, depression and anxiety (and no job) I relied upon my partner even though I was just about impossible to live wiht , and it worked out OK, we are still together and in a much better place.

Give it time

Croix