what's wrong with me

[Jeremyisthecutestweeb]

Hello, My name is Rika and sorry if this is weird it's my first time doing this. Recently my life has been down deeply in the dumps, i have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and i'm also finding my own sexuality as well due to past events, everyday is emotionless for me and it doesn't help that my mom won't ever let me leave the house to do anything, i'm currently 15 and i've never had a sleepover and i have never been to a friends house or birthday party or even had a proper one of my own haha weird right? anyway, everyday at school is hard cause i feel so heavy and tired no matter how much i sleep, also the only time i ever feel really happy is when im online talking to friends i've made in other countries and when they're sad i feel really happy cause it gives me a chance to cheer them up and when i succeed i feel so good about myself and them. and other times i don't feel anything at all, i don't feel happy and i don't feel sad for them i feel nothing, it's like i don't care about them. One time my friend ((im gonna call him red cause he likes that color)) red once went missing and the other friend Byn ((im not going to use real names for them)) got really upset since he knows red in real life and everyone in this facebook chat of ours was upset except for me, i didn't feel anything for them or anyone, it was like it wasn't even happening, eventually he turned up, terribly beaten, broken phone, friend committed suicide . i was glad he was safe but ever since then i've hated myself foe feeling nothing for him. Why am i like this? why must i constantly be an emotionless girl feeling nothing for her beloved friends. They deserve something don't they? i don't wanna be like this anymore
thank you for reading and if you do choose to leave a comment, i will happily read it for you. have a nice day everyone

[white knight]

Hi J, welcome

Feelings can ebb and flow depending on many factors like, your mood, your preoccupation with school, friends, what you just watched on TV...like a sad movie. We dont always know why as our mind in some areas reacts automatically.Youll only have a couple of years before you will drive and maybe own a car and work. Then you can have more independence so slowly work on your mum one small step at a time.Before you ask here to visit a friend wrote down on a piece of paper their address, phone numbers, how long you will be there, who will be present etc. Parents worry and in this violent world it is justified.

If you are still worried about your on and off emotions seek a GP appointment but my guess is that your feelings are on hold because you are thinking logically instead if emotionally.

Thankyou for having the courage to post hete.

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

Rika, hello to you to and welcome to the forums. It is a wonderful place full of caring and supportive people. Before i get onto answering your post above, do not ever think that it is weird posting in here. It is much better for you to post than not to post!

I think you are showing some symptoms of depression and disassociation. I would love for you to book yourself into the GP and have talk about it. Now this may be a scary thought for you but trust me when i say that it is well worth it. I was hospitalised with PTSD, depression and anxiety in Feb 2013 and if i had of only gone to the GP when i started showing symptoms some 10 years earlier, I would never have had happen.

It is frightening to me how many of the younger generation are showing signs of mental health illnesses but I do find it very pleasing that your generation is not as stigmatised as my generation. What I am saying here is that you are not alone in this journey, not by a long shot.

So with disassociation, which i used to have, the world is numb. I was devoid of all feeling which is kind of mirroring what you have but I am not a GP and not a psych so I am diagnosing you. That is certainly not my job, that is a professionals and this is why i would love for you to go and see one. It will cost you an hour of your life and could be the best decision you have ever made.

It is great that you enjoy helping people out. That is one very nice trait to have and I would caution about spending to much time online. Are you able to get out and do some exercise? Exercise is well established as a wonderful mood lifter and also great for fitness.

Would love to hear back from you with how you went at the GP but in the mean time, please feel free to ask any question you want to.

Cheers

Mark.

[MsPurple]

Hi Jeremyisthecutestweeb

Thanks for posting on the forums. It can be really daunting posting on here for the first time. It is really good that you did so. Tony and Mark had some really good insight on the emotional side so I'll try not go into that again.

You mentioned about you being at a time of sexual confusion. I will let you know I went through the same thing at the same age (I am now 25). It took me some time to accept it and talk to my counsellor about it. It took me till 23 to talk to someone about it and to ask how 'you knew if you were straight'. I really struggled with it. I now identify as bisexual and I struggled being attracted to both men and women because I felt like I didn't below to the straight community or the gay community. Once I talked my concerns out about me being confused and not sure, it made me realise I was actually sure but still having trouble accepting myself. It is ok to have a time of confusion. Once I looked into it on the internet (mostly youtube videos) I realised a lot of people feel the same way. Sexuality is not black or white it can be grey. There isn't just gay or straight there can be in-between and you can choose to identify yourself regardless of where you sit (e.g. maybe 90% gay and 10% straight and identify as gay etc). They call this spectrum the kinsey scale. I am now open to dating someone of the same gender and I don't want to hold myself back because of fear. I want to love who I want to love and for me to do that I needed to accept myself. It's ok to be confused and to dip your toe into dating someone of the same/opposite gender, however be open with the person and tell them where you are are (e.g. new to dating someone of the same/opposite gender and want to go slow). I have found a lot of people are in the same boat even at my age. If you need more support and guidance into this beyond blue have reasources. I also talked to a counsellor about this at headspace, they also have references and group of people 12-25 from LGBTI groups you could potentially meet up with. They also have counsellors that can talk you through it as well.