What is wrong with me

[MacMac__]

Hi bb people.

 I am experiencing a lot of pain in my life at the moment and feel like I have been in bad situations since the day I was born. I had a horrible childhood growing up not knowing my biological father, moving from town to town with my alcoholic mother and her abusive partners. When I was 13 I decided That I had had enough and stayed in one of the towns with a friend at the time while my mother moved interstate. I lasted about a year then moved back with mum and after a while she decided to go back to the original town we lived in and I stayed. Again. Ever since that young age I have been independent. I just feel like everything is too hard. I wasn't able to finish year 12 because I couldn't afford to not work and my life just never goes right. I'm scared I'm going to feel like this forever.

[White_Rose]

Dear MacMac

I am sorry to read about you difficulties and I hope we can give you some help and support here. Welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a safe place to talk about your experiences and express your feelings.

Can you tell us what you doing at the moment? Do you have a job and somewhere safe to live? That is my first thought. Do you have any significant people in your life? I gather you no longer live with your mother but is there any contact? Sorry to be asking all these questions. I do not mean to sound prying, I would like to know how you are living and who you have in your life. It makes a difference to have someone you trust and who can support you.

I have not lived your life so I cannot imagine the hardships and loneliness that came your way, except for being certain that you have had much grief and pain. And it is the memory of that pain that is causing you to feel so unhappy. Sorry if I am stating the obvious.

I have discovered that previous harm can affect anyone for many years, maybe the rest of their lives, unless we can manage it in some way. It's only recently that I have come to understand that a 30 year abusive marriage has left me with all sorts of difficulties and although I have started to get some help in that area I know it will be a hard and long journey to live my life differently. And the thought of this quite scares me.

I do not know your age but I presume you are still quite young (18-25?). If you can get some help I see no reason why you should feel so distressed forever. There is hope, help and love out there. Do you have a GP? If not, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. This will take you to a search page where you can enter your postcode and search for a local GP. I strongly suggest you go and see a GP and talk about the experiences you have encountered as you describe above and ask for help.

Your doctor can refer you to a number of people who are able to help. Examples are a counsellor to help you through this time of doubt and sorrow, someone in the education field who can help you return to study and complete year 12, possible accommodation if this is required. Most of all this GP will be the centre of hub of helpers who can help you regain your life.

These are my immediate thoughts. Would you please write in again and tell us more about yourself? I look forward to your reply.

Mary