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[JustJack]

Hey my names jack im 22 years old and i just wanted to share some stuff. Im not looking for sympathy im just going through a hard time and feel i need to talk to people likeminded.

As a child i was abused on 2 seperate occasions. My parents were both alchoholoc, ive witnessed my mother get beaten which my psychiatrist says was my first emotional trama. I have two children which live on the other side of the country, which im ridden with guilt about. I hate social interaction, most the time i feel crap about myself. I cant remember the last time i had a possitive thought.. probably when my children especially my 2 year old looked at me with such admiration and love. Ive been hospitalised many times for suicide attempts...abused drugs meth, inhalents, alchohol, perscription meds.. i dont have a job.. i dont have any friends i just feel so low all the time i dont want to go out.. i feel again like im reaching breaking point, im having trouble coping With life.. i dont know how much longer i can do this. Ive had enough..

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[white knight]

Hi Justjack, welcome here mate

I've never been in your situation but I have planned my own demise then left my abusive wife etc. Did it hard for many years emotionally. I had to dig really deep to pull out every little bit of effort to go along that chosen path. What was my path?

To be the very best dad I could be. That meant not comparing myself with other dads- big mistake. Being the best I could be for Tony the man under my circumstances not others. I'd have to accept I will likely never be a full time dad ever again, never have excess money (saving ability), never have a happy marriage again, never fulfil my childrens dreams of a united family. Well I was wrong on most of those counts. Because I dug real deep.

My children were 7 and 4yo when my marriage split. I lived in a small van in a caravan park. Then saved enough to buy a block of land (with a loan). I spent my spare time camped there and cleared it for a house. Erected a garage. Eventually I lived in the shed and built my own home from a kit. I cant tell you of the feeling when my kids came over one weekend for them to stay in their own bedroom for the first time that I'd built!

Then at 12yo my eldest wanted to live with me. From that day onwards my eldest rarely ever saw her birth mother as she had the same issues with her as I had. Silence. Her mother would not talk to people that wronged her. That was 14 years ago. My 2nd wife of 4 years is now called "mum".

With the help of my second wife we began to save money. We are now much more financially settled and proud that I achieved so much.

All sounds rosy eh?. But you can make a difference. You'll need to find ways to rid yourself of all addictions and temptations. I don't know why you are on the other side of the country to where your children are but if it were me I'd be living within a short distance of their home and have fortnightly visitations and longer times in school holidays. I'd seek a doctors guidance with counselling etc to better myself. My goal would be to look back in 15 years time and say to myself "I made it, I have provided my children with an alternative home (even if they are happy with their mother) and I'm here as their real father if they want my advice and care

If you do not have visiting rights then work towards it. If you have a poor communication with the mother then try to repair it in a mature manner.

Your future focus should be on your children.Nothing else matters. you can do it

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Jack,

Sounds like you are doing life the hard way right now.

Do you have a Dr. whom you see on a regular bases or a Dr. at all? I would like to suggest that you make an appointment and chat about what is happening for you right now.

It certainly sounds like you need some help and assistance. Sometimes life gets too tough for us to deal with it ourselves.

Do you still have contact with your children? Like White Knight mentioned, is there any opportunity for you to become closer with them?

As people, we all need contact with someone else. You have reached out here to the community at Beyond Blue so I hope that helps you in some way.

Have you tried using the telephone help lines for Beyond Blue and places like Life Line? The people answering the phones will be able to offer you help and advice as well.

Some of us here have been through some really tough times and have managed to find a way through. I hope you do as well.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[JustJack]

Hey tony

Thanks alot for your reply. You have my respect. im really glad you chose to share that with me. 

I had to leave because of the circumstances, theres alot too it but i wont hesitate. I was living regionally without a license 40km from the nearest town on a farm, my mother had taken the farm as part of the divorse, my father moved to brisbane. Anyway. I had no work, no means of getting to a job, depressed and drinking i was going no were. My life was going nowere and i was a nobody.. it was not a good place for me. So i moved with my dad so i can start making possitive steps in my life. Now only to arrive a week later feeling discouraged. It shows real courage to do what you done and i take my hat off to you. As a comparasin in relation to were you were then and were i am now. I havent even thought about buying the land. I dont see myself as father material at this moment, i love my kids with all my heart, they deserve the best. I just want to make myself better and good and strong before i start looking for land. Im not ready yet i dont think.

As for the councelling its something ive done in the past and probably need to continue in the future. Its just easy too lose sight and become overwhelmed. I hope ive made some sence. 

[JustJack]

hi mrs dools

I dont see a doctor at the moment but its something ill look into in the future i assure you.

i havent used the phoneline yet but will keep in mind thank you 

I can make calls too my children but sometimes its very difficult.

I know its kind of insensitive sharing alot of this but i dont care. Im sick of feeling like crap.

Thanks you

[white knight]

Its not insensitive at all Jack. This is why we are here.

It sounds like you know the theory but your life needs to get on track before you can give it your best try at it.

You talk yourself down a lot. You are worth more than that, you have no confidence and life's dips have left their scars. You will mature more out of this and be the dad you want to be.

Never drop off from talking to your kids. You never know when they'll need you one day. Break the bond at any time in their childhood and its really hard to get that back. Just some advice there.

Sometimes life goes in cycles. Please remember Jack, this might be a low point. Soon it will climb to a high point again especially if you whittle away at your goals, one at a time. Set your focus every few days eg license, job, save money, give up addiction 1, etc. One goal a week is 4 goals achieved every month.

Place a post anytime you need or want.  I am proud of you being on here. That my friend takes guts.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Jack,

You don't need to apologise for writing how you are feeling! That is one of the great things about this forum, you can share what ever you feel you want to or need to and people will not judge you.

We all need someone or somewhere to feel safe to let out our thoughts and feelings.

I know I keep a lot of stuff to myself and after a while I just explode or implode! Either way I have needed to be hospitalised a few times lately due to having mini breakdowns.

I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. Some days it is a real struggle. I certainly get that side of life.

I have friends who have said they will be there for me, but sometimes I find it too hard to even pick up the phone to make the call to ask if we can catch up. Is that a little how you feel regarding keeping in touch with your children? That it is just too difficult?

Hopefully you can break through that feeling and call them.

I also hope it is helping you to share how you are feeling right now.

Hope you have an okay kind of day, from Mrs. Dools

[JustJack]

Thanks MrsDools

I know i shouldnt have to say sorry i just feel very self indulgent. ive had to drag my problems to other peoples doorsteps, so just know i really appreciate it.

I feel really welcome i dont feel judged which is good, at first i was hesistant to register but im glad i did its nice to know im not so alone. 

we do need to let it out and its not always pretty. I hope the hospital staff are being tentative and caring its a safe place to be during bad times its good you kinda can just go "hey, im feeling really shitty please let me get in me in here before i go completely doo lally".

Regarding my children. When i talk to them i feel sad because ive let them down. As WK said. The hopes of giving being a full family. White picket fence, I guess its a silver lining scenario. i think now i can start working small steps talking to them more trying to keep that bond kicking.

It is good to be able to share im very thankful. I can just start too see that little spark of hope. Now i just have to make it into a fire.

You too 🙂

[JustJack]

Thanks Tony.

Yep, you hit the nail dead on. I need to right some wrongs, keeping in mind im doing it for myself but also for the future relationship i want to have with my youngens.

Life has left some scars, yeah, i think the drugs made alot of the psychological ruts alot deeper.. hopefully not permanently.

Cheers for the advice Tony its good to hear from someone whos "been there, done that" kinda thing. Much appreciated, i will keep it in mind. 

[Narniakid]

Hi JustJack! Thank you for sharing your story with us and for reaching out!

As the others have said, you're definitely not alone - just look at how big this community is! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing how you feel. Your feelings are valid just by feeling them. As already suggested, definitely look into some professional treatment with a psychologist, as it sounds like you've had a lot of tough times over the years, and a specialist will be able to help you sort out your thinking patterns, recognise your triggers and put forward some steps to help you on your way to recovery.

I can definitely relate to your anxieties regarding phone calls, and I've been in your position before. Once again, thank you for reaching out to us, you are always more than welcome to seek help either here on the forums or through the hotline. I also suggest reading up on the treatments and information under 'Resources' here on the website. Beyond Blue have a fantastic range of info for both carers and patients.

I hope things turn around for you soon!

Crystal