What is happening to me

[Jesshappa]

I really don't know how this started.

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat properly. I cannot hold a conversation. I cannot stay happy. I cannot hold back my tears. I cannot speak out what is in my mind. I cannot explain. I cannot seek help. Simply because I can't and don't know why.

Whenever I try to tell someone what is wrong with me tears flood out and nothing comes out. Because I don't know where to start or how to explain. My friends first noticed me getting sad and less involved in activities. Their initial reaction was that I might be depressed. They seemed to be really supportive but right now I cannot see the support in them or anybody. They take it as a joke. I cannot explain to them it is not because every time I do, they seem to ignore what I am saying, not even comforting my tears. Lately my friend has diagnosed herself with depression, she believes I gave it to her. This makes me feel like shit. Shitter than I did before. She use to be there for me. I am still there for her whilst I'm suffering depression and she is living a life. This was when enough was enough. I spoke to my dad. Whenever I tried to explain to him what was wrong he would bombared me with questions I did not know the answers to or simply could not. After a while he realised this was not a joke and was more serious than I made it sound. so we went to the doctors. Together. I had support. But my doctor didn't support me. Gave me pamphlets and suggested it was my hormones. this makes me feel even more hopeless to know that my emotions and feelings are treated as a joke.

I don't know when or how this started but it has had a great impact on me. I see the world differently. I see people differently. I can understand people more. But they can't understand me. No one can. My friends have gotten sick of my feelings to the point that they have excluded me out of their gatherings. I am their last resort. You don't realise how shit it feels until you realise what you really are. I know this sounds like I'm complaining about nothing but I just can't tell you what I am going through. It is just physically impossible. And yet I seek for help. I am like a lunatic. 

This was the easiest way I could explain myself trying to sound understandable. It makes no sense. I feel empty. I feel like if I just disappeared no one would notice or care. But please. Is there anyone that also feels like this. Not like this, but how I explained, unexplainable. Just a knowing that I'm still sane will help me.

[geoff]

dear Jess, hi and welcome to the BB forum, and from what you have posted is that it's very tough for you, all your friends have disbanded you, however this is what normally happens when someone in a group of mates gets depression, it's certainly unfair but very upsetting and disappointing.

Depression should never be considered to be any joke, it's real and really serious, and definitely needs attention.

The other problem is that people always ask question after question and not only do we hate this, we can't give them any answers, because we don't know what they are, so please don't have any guilt with this.

From your post you only seem to be young, which only means that you are struggling and not able to communicate with anyone, especially your doctor, who hasn't seem to take your situation seriously.

Your dad appears to be a great support now and that's what you want, so could I suggest that he clicks onto 'Get Support' at the top of this page, where he will find professional doctors/psychologist who deal specifically with mental issues, and please don't take that word as anything other than having any type of depression.

These doctors are aligned with BB and will then be able to give you a proper diagnosis.

You or your dad could also ring the  BB phone number again at the top of this page, but I would suggest that it comes from you and not second hand. although your dad knows of your condition.

Please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[mrkd1991]

Hi Jess

Please know that you are not alone, a lot of people, my self included can closely relate.

As you have said, one of the hardest parts is when someone actually listens, they flood you with unanswerable questions. 

One piece of advice I have for you is this.

Throughout your day, write down things you are feeling, thoughts you are having, things that have or even haven't happened. You can even make drawings if you feel it will better depict it.

The most important thing is to not over think it, don't proof read it, and don't try and make it make sense. A lot of times it won't. 

Keeping this log of whats going on can be very helpful in starting to understand your feeling, and it can also help show your doctor.

Even though it might just be random words, scribble and pictures, it can show certain things, patterns and emotions.

These things will help identify what is going on, and can help your recovery.

All the best, and good luck.

[Jesshappa]

Thanks for your reply, it's comforting to know that I am not the only one feeling these non understanding feelings/emotions.

As you said, draw/keep a log of my feelings and thoughts, I am already doing so. Whenever I am feeling an emotional that is unexplainable I just draw it out; most people don't understand my drawings until they realise it is how it is drawn not what is actually drawn. 

And thanks again for your reply, it helps massively to know I am not alone and still have my wits, 

Jess

[Jesshappa]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply, it really has helped me.

And yes, you're right, I am pretty young and it just doesn't help in situations like this; at this age everyone believes I have no idea what is right from wrong and do not take my feelings seriously because of how I'm just "confused" or "going through a phase".

Right now I am doing psychological activities and trying to teach myself to express my emotions out more through drawings and artworks - this helps me greatly. 

And you're right again, people shouldn't treat depression as a joke or not take it serious, "jess why are you so depressed all the time", "it can't be that bad", "just cheer up", "you know when you're sad you make everyone sad". People need to understand that it's not that easy or simple; I can't just stab you in the leg and tell you to stop bleeding, it doesn't work like that. 

Anyway, I've been having online chats and they really have helped out.

Thanks again,

Jess

[White_Rose]

Dear Jess

Hello and welcome to BB. You sound very unhappy and confused, which is, unfortunately, normal for people with depression. As several people have said, we get asked questions we cannot answer. More importantly we ask ourselves questions we cannot answer. So to help I suggest you explore the BB site and read the information available here.

Start on the first page and click on Learn about Depression. If you would like any of these publications BB will send them to you. Also click on Resources at the top of this page, then go to Family and Friends. Here you will find info for others about depression and this can also be ordered from BB. Alternatively you can download some publications.

As Geoff has suggested, perhaps a visit to another doctor would help. Most GPs have a good understanding depression but there are a few who have little idea of it. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. You can then search by postcode for a GP experienced in dealing with mental illness.

It's great that you are drawing and writing about your feelings. Getting them out of your head and onto paper helps and you can show this to your doctor.

Trying to talk to friends of your own age can be difficult as they have little knowledge of depression. Many people think it is just being sad for a while and you will get over it. Well you can recover but it's not just being sad for a couple of days. Your friend who says you gave her depression is an idiot. Depression is not like a cold, passed on by poor hygiene. It is a serious illness that is caused by complex reasons and requires professional help to manage.

You are not mad or stupid, and you are certainly worthwhile. Keep your heart up and visit a good GP. Write in here as often as you feel is right.

Mary

[Jesshappa]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply.

Saying that I am not mad and still sane really does help, these little things help a lot.

And my GP was the one that seemed to do nothing about my problem so my dad is going to hire a psychologist, I really think this will help me greatly.

And I've been on the BB site for a while now exploring all the different pieces of information and advice from others personal experiences; this makes me understand about what is happening more because I can somehow relate to their stories.

Thanks again, Mary, for leaving your input.

Jess.

[geoff]

dear Jess, thanks for getting back to us.

If you are doing art work and drawings that's fantastic, because we can express our inner feelings on canvas and imagine all those famous artists, Gogh, Michangelo and da Vinci, and wonder what they were thinking of the time when they painted their own masterpieces, it's truly magic.

Love to hear from you again. Geoff.

[Macka90]

Hi Jess

i know exactly what u r going through, I cannot eat properly, I cannot sleep properly, I can barely do anything, I have 3 kids to look after as well which I'm no help to them in the state I'm in (all under6) my partner is a interstate truck driver and is away a lot so I have got my mum here to help me with the kids as 2 of them go to school so my sister in law is helping me take them to school cause I'm too scared to drive as I always feel tired of a morning.

i stared meds 3 days ago and I am slowly feeling them start to work already, I have community health people come out to my house to see how I am going and they want tour my dose of meds and start me on new ones for my anxiety, I just want the old me back.