My depression hurts the people I love most

[fearfulbear]

Hi I'm 16 years old and I have been struggling with depression for a few months. Recently I've noticed certain things act as triggers that send me off into the worst places of my depression. My boyfriend  who I know is trying to help me seems frustrated with my sadness and insecurities. I feel like I can't talk about it anymore. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I'm so afraid of losing him because of my illness that I try to cover it up and hold it inside but then when I'm alone again, my sadness escalates to unbearable levels really quickly. At one point, I became so fearful of him walking away that I convinced myself that it was impossible for anyone to love me when I'm like this and had to take down all the pictures of us in my room and hide them out of sight. How do I open up to him in a way that makes him know I just need someone to listen and put less pressure on him to give me an answer? This is difficult and I want a way to deal with this that doesn't scare him. 

[geoff]

dear Fearfulbear, hi and thanks for posting your comment at your age, so it's a very brave so well done.

The ability to understand any type of depression is not easy, because everyone is different, and what has put us in this situation is unknown, most of the time, and as soon as a negative thought comes to our mind then everything else jumps on board.

We all have thoughts that are good and bad, but when we can't fathom why they have happened and then think of something that has not gone the way we had hoped for, then they all just mount up, and then this puts us in a state of being depressed.

I only say this because if you want to talk to someone close to you, this maybe very difficult, only because they may not understand it, or how to respond back to you, or just want to push it into the 'hard basket', and then don't want to talk about it, so then it seems as though you can't talk to anyone who does understand.

On this site there are hundreds of people who have gone through exactly what is happening with you, which means you are in safe hands here, however it may take a few replies back and forth to feel as though we totally get what you are saying, so please stay on the site.

Maybe you could start talking to your boyfriend by saying 'I know that I seemed to have changed lately, and can we talk about it'.

I don't know sure whether you see your doctor by yourself or if an adult goes with you, but this is something that you need do and go and see your doctor or if you feel embarrassed, then ther are doctor under the tab 'Get Support' at the top of this page.

These doctors are aligned with BB and specifically deal with all types of depression, as well helping kids to helping adults, so this is something for you to consider.

Now with your boyfriend, don't be surprised if he doesn't know what you are talking about as this is normal, as most people have no idea what we are talking about, and of course this may upset you, but if you try and explain to him, how you feel now, but don't have any answers when he asks questions.

(450 words left) Please feel comfortable when you reply back to us, it's a feeling some of are still trying to cope with or have overcome it, never the less, please don't feel on your own. Geoff. x

[fearfulbear]

Hi Geoff! Thank you for your reply. I found it to be very helpful and I feel hopeful that the conversation with him about it will turn out okay.

I haven't seen a doctor about it because I'm on the fence about taking medication. A friend of mine had been on depression medications before and what she had to say about it made them seem very numbing. I thought of seeing a therapist, but once I proposed that to my parents, they said we can't afford it. I'm stuck on where to see treatment. I can't rely on my friends and family to help. 

[geoff]

dear Fearfulbear, thanks for getting back to us, as we always believe that it's a positive reaction for us and that our suggestions or advice has not gone down the drain.

Firstly your doctor can organise for you to see a psychologist with 10 free visits on a mental health plan, so Medicare pay for these visits and you're not out of pocket.

Please don't be upset when I mention the word 'mental', because years ago it meant people being taken away in straight jackets but NOT now, as depression is so common these days and we are trying (BB) to make it known that it can be overcome, so please have some trust in us.

Antidepressants vary so much, there are different types, and their effect on someone is only for them and cannot be assured of any side-effects happening with you.

So what I trying to say is that what your girlfriend says is sad, but this could not happen to you, plus your doctor will start you on a very low dosage so that he/she can monitor how you are coping.

Plus any side -effects that you read on the net maybe true or maybe not, because you don't know if they will suit you or not, but please stay positive on this issue. Geoff. x

[fearfulbear]

Hi again. I didn't know that the doctor could organize a visit with a psychologist, so thank you very much for that information. I'll talk to my parents about making an appointment.

Thanks again!

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi fearfulbear,

Thanks for reaching out to BB and yay for organising a doctor's appointment! 🙂 I think you should be really proud of yourself for speaking up and to try and get everything sorted.

There's only a couple of things that I would add to what has already been said - 

 First is that you don't actually have to go on medication.  Geoff is right - yes there are so many different ones which will affect you differently, but you can also go without.  Sometimes it can just be really helpful to talk to someone who can really help you understand and help you to challenge some of those thoughts that might be making you feel this way.  You can make that choice.

and secondly - it's okay to not know what to say.  I know when I was really depressed I felt like people were either running away from me or didn't care about me, but looking back now I realise that sometimes people just don't know what to say.  Maybe you can try talking to your boyfriend in a way that helps you - you could say things like "I'd love for you to just hug me" or "I just want to be alone right now."  It sounds simple enough, but it's something I think we all forget to do.  Maybe seeing a psychologist or a counsellor will help too - as they will have lots of experience in helping people understand where you're coming from and what you need.

Good luck 🙂 

[fearfulbear]

Hi romantic_thi3f!

When you wrote "I felt like people were either running away from me or didn't care about me", I felt like Yes! That's exactly how I feel! It's so so so very nice to have you relate. It's hard dealing with my depression because I just want to be happy, but it's even harder when someone close to me is affected by it also so I really appreciate your advice and support.

I'll be seeing a doctor within the next few days and I'm looking forward to forming a plan to get back on track. 

As of getting better on my own terms, I'm trying to remove stress-heavy things in my life. I'm changing my upcoming classes to less academically demanding courses and I'm thinking about getting a quieter and slower pace job. Is it bad to adjust to my current state? I'm afraid of taking on too much. 

[geoff]

dear Fearfulbear, lovely to hear back from, because the questions from you will always be there, and not such you but from people who know all about depression, but the questions still come to them, that's the illness.

I forgot to say that these 10 free visits happen every year, and under difficult circumstances could be extended, but that's up to your doctor and only his or hers decision.

If however it may seem to be not true by your parents they can contact their doctor. Geoff.

[shad0wings]

Hi there!

Have you spoken to anyone about your depression? Family, school counsellor? Have you been diagnosed? I would advise you speak to a counsellor to get an outsider's perspective, it will help more than you think. 

It sounds like you are at a real low point at the moment. You are trying to understand what you are feeling and I know how hard that is. Depression can be very frustrating, your mind really is all over the place. Emotions and relationships can all be mixed up. 

Think of ideas about what you want to talk to your boyfriend about and write them down. Sit down with him and elaborate on what you have noted. Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, because it is so hard to understand. You both have to adjust and both make an effort to learn about the illness. It will be a challenge but if he truly cares about you he will do the best he can and be strong with and for you.

Goodluck and stay strong! 

~ Taylor

[Felicity308]

Hi Fearfulbear!

I’m really sorry that you’re going through all this especially without having support from a doctor or psychologist, I know exactly how impossible it can all feel.  

I’ve had lots trouble with my depression getting in the way of my relationships and even now have times where I feel like my boyfriend will get sick my depression and leave. My boyfriend is very scientifically minded and often can’t understand what I’m going through. My way around this was to take him to the doctor with me and have the doctor explain why sometimes I just need him to listen to me, give me a hug or take me for a drive (driving helps me to stop spiraling downward). I’d really recommend taking him along to one of your appointments because it’s much easier to understand depression when it comes from a professional.  

The others have made some great suggestions so my only other idea is maybe to find a couple of videos on youtube and the Beyond Blue website that you think describe what you’re feeling and show the to your boyfriend. He obviously cares for you so I’m sure he’ll be open to learning if it will help you.  

Hope your appointment goes well!!  

Felicity 🙂