too worried to attend school

[Lyf_is_hard]

Hello, lately I've been having trouble getting through a single day at school without having some form of anxiety attack. I'm 14 and currently attend high school (grade 9). I've had anxiety for as long as i can remember but it has gotten worse in the recent months. I'm not an academic and struggle with my school work and grades. I've got dyscalculia and have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. I have close friends and can rely on them and family for support. My issue with anxiety comes from the other students around me and the teachers. I'm constantly in fear that i will get bullied, beaten, hurt or abused by students. I've been bullied mentally in the past but never severely. I dislike most of my teachers and we often have arguments. I have the biggest issue with my English teacher. She and i are always in fights and she constantly singles me out and turns me into the bad guy. However this is not causing me anxiety and only contributes to me not wanting to attend school. The reason my anxiety has flared back up recently is because people have discovered my political views opinions. Lets just say there not the norm. as this is controversial topic i don't want to start a war but lets just say most people oppose my opinions. However because of this i fear i will be hurt both physically and mentally. This is causing me great stress and i'm me to lose sleep. I take medicine for my Asperger syndrome and that does help control my feelings sometimes but isn't really helping that much. I plan to leave school as soon as i can as i don't feel like it is beneficial for me and my life aspirations to continue being there. It's also hurting my mental health quite severely as just explained. However until such a time as i can find an alternative i'm stuck with no ideas on how to help myself.

[CJames]

Hi Lyf_is_hard,

Firstly welcome to the forums, it's an excellent place for you to express yourself, judge free and anonymously. It's great to see you've reached out for some support during this tough time at school.

I'd like to start with some background; I think it'll be able to help here. I as of Friday graduated Year 12, and boy I was glad to get out of what I thought was twelve years of life wasted. On top of this, I've been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and ADHD. I'd say this has contributed slightly to my frustration and such my political views as you also mentioned.

So in saying that, I'm not going to be the guy who says, school is best and stick it out. I believe in what you want to do as long as you know all of the aspects of your decision 🙂 May I ask what state you're in? And what sort of career path/s you want to pursue? Don't worry if you don't know, I have no clue but I'm sure I'll find something.

I'm sorry that you struggle with your anxiety soo much, do you see someone about what you feel and how it affects you? Either a GP, psychiatrist and or psychologist, look I'd even suggest having a chat with your school counsellor it can be quite rewarding, getting your thoughts off your mind even just having a down to earth conversation. I've noticed I get along with adults 2 or 3 times older than me (18) over people my age, are you the same? :), maybe not your English teacher tho 😉

It's great that you've mentioned that you have a support group (your friends), do you talk to them about what you feel or do they comment on it at all? I know why I was at school, I had the most support from my school's Education Assistants.

You mentioned that you are in fear that you will get seriously hurt or bullied, is this because you see this happening to other students or you feel different in some way?

Why do you reckon you don't get along with your English teacher? I hated my English teacher this year, I'd say out of all of mine throughout high school, this was the worse year hahaha.

You mentioned your political views and opinions, and that people oppose your idea when you express it. Is it warranted? I don't know if you'll understand what I mean but, is it relevant to the conversation you're having. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, as long as it's informed and not used to peeve others off hehe. I'm slightly guilty of that occasionally.

I'm running out of words :(, so much more to say. Please keep in contact, and keep your head up.

Talk Soon C

[Lyf_is_hard]

wow thanks, it's nice to finally talk about this with someone other than my friends. I figure i'll just answer your questions in order so we dont get confused.

as i mentioned i'm 14 so just beginning to think about looking for work. I've liked the idea of work since i was little because i like the idea that i know i'm getting rewarded for what is do rather than school were i dont think 90% of what i do is actually contributing to my future. I live in Brisbane Queensland, more specifically Morton Bay and I've been considering a career in retail. I think it fits my requirements well as i don't particularly want a high end job with a fancy pay check and parking space. also with my dyscalculia and Asperger syndrome i feel the skill level and working environment will suit me well. I've also considered becoming an UBER driver or something of those sorts because it just suits my requirements really well.

I don't see someone in particular about my mental issues but i'm pretty open with family and friends and often will discuss my issues in great detail with them. However sometimes it doesn't help because generally they all give the same advice. That's why i came here. I did go and see a therapist about a year ago about my anxiety however i didn't find this of much help because he just gave the same advice i had always gotten from family and friends.

When it comes to the bullying thing its really brought on by stories I've seen online. Like i mentioned the main source of worry for the bulling is my political opinions. I've read and heard about people being brutally attacked because people disagreed with there opinions. I also fear because of my Asperger syndrome one day i will say something to the wrong person and it will be a downwards slope from there. So it's more about needing to find self control so it doesn't become a reality. One of the traits of my Asperger syndrome is that i'm very blunt and straight to the point with what i say. So sometimes when i'm only trying to explain something i can come off as rude and disrespectful. The same can happen when i'm trying to express my opinion. I often come off as more extreme than i actually am which is another reason i worry.

Anyway I've rambled for too long. I just really appreciate the space to vent and talk to someone who actually cares. Thank you so much!!

[quirkywords]

Lyf_is_hard,

I too welcome you to the forum. As you can see it is a friendly caring place and CJ has given you a supportive reply. Also there will be people reading this who will relate to what you have written in some way and care about you.You are not alone.

I know writing a first post can be difficult so thank you for sharing your experiences.

I am sorry that you fear being bullied which would make going to school very difficult.

I understand that you felt the therapist was not offering any more help,than your family and friends were, but would you consider maybe seeing a professional who specialises in Aspergers ? I thought someone who has experience and or expertise in this area may have more insight.

I see that the thought of saying something blunt that is seen as rude and disrespectful and also extreme would make you fear being bullied.

I don’t have Aspergers , I have bipolar and I have said things that were deemed as totally inappropriate when that wasn’t my intention .

What have your tried before to help with your self control? Does it work?

You write very well and clearly , so is it more the spoken word that causes you to fear reactions?

You show that you have insights in your behaviours and are aware of possible responses.

Is there another teacher at school or a counsellor you could explain to how your English teacher is treating you I was teacher and that behaviour sounds very inappropriate. teachers are trained to be patients with students.

Ok I have written more than I usually do.

I just wanted to know we do care about you and to feel free to post as much as you like.

Quirky

[Lyf_is_hard]

Wow thanks guys, your all really nice and polite. Definitely the best online community I've seen in a while!!

When it comes to the therapist thing i did once have a pediatrician who diagnosed me with my Asperger syndrome. However he has since retired and i haven't gotten another one yet. I will definitely see what i can find in the area of a specialized therapist as that sounds like a good idea. I have however been placed in the special education unit at school. I do occasionally speak with my case manager or counselor they provide but I'm just not a fan of being treated differently because of my Asperger syndrome. I feel when i talk to these people in the special education unit at school they treat me like i have no intelligence at all. They speak to me like i'm two.

Usually when it comes to controlling my words and my reactions i try to just minimize my speaking. It sounds bad but it's all i can come up with. Another part my my long list of abnormalities is that i lack the ability to follow on with a mental goal. I can tell myself that i'm gonna control what i say but when it comes to applying it to real life things just don't work out. Because of this the only other thing i considered was changing my beliefs and values but i feel this is not the answer because it would be forcing myself to be something that i'm not.

I have considered talking to another staff member about my teacher however her behavior is commonplace at my school and what she is doing isn't technically crossing any lines. Yes she isn't accommodating for my needs. Yes she is doing something that is making me unhappy. But I don't think she's doing it on purpose. I think once again it just comes back to my inability to comprehend the same way as others. For example, Since the term one this year (it's now term four) i have used a laptop for my class work. I have never brought a book, pencil or stationary case into her class. I have been able to complete my work to it's fullest and there hasn't been a single issue since day one. However this all changed on Friday. I came to class and got my laptop out like i do literally every other day. however this time she stops me and demands that i bring a book in. I said but i don't have any books. I always use my laptop for my classes. She replied that it's the school rules that i have a book and even if i didn't use the book i still needed one for her class. I found this absolutely stupid and was obviously the cause of our last argument.

[quirkywords]

Lyf_is_hard

Thanks for your kind words and answering all the questions.

You have understood that while the teacher is not doing anything wrong she is not accommodating your needs. I have not worked in high schools other than as a casual teacher but even twenty years if a student in primary school, the teacher would where possible help to fulfil those needs.

I am assuming the teacher knows about your special needs and strengths and tasks you find challenging, so I feel you are being kind thinking it may not be intentional.

I am concerned that though something may be a small issue now it may grow into a bigger one so nipping it in the bud is often a good idea.

What do your parents think about what is happening at school and how you are treated by one of the teachers.?

I really appreciate the way you have explained about your life and how you experience life.

Quitky

[Lyf_is_hard]

My parents are always on my side. They support me and constantly give positive reinforcement in tough times. They are divorced but they maintain a friendly relationship for the benefit of me and my brother. Both my parents believe that the school has done many things wrong with me and need to change. My parents have had several meetings with the school over multiple years to no avail. This school doesn't like to change there ways and isn't willing to accommodate for students needs. This isn't just a once off, it happens to many students at the school and the administration denies that there is an issue. This school has issues with drugs, sex, underage drinking and bullying but they constantly focus on the stupid things like making sure i have a book. Many students have left this school for those reasons and my best friend is currently in the process of moving. I'd love to move school however from what i have heard from other parents many other schools in the area are not much better and many being worse. Also despite all of the issues caused by this school and its community i have built friends here and i am used to how it runs. I feel if i left it would make my anxiety even worse. Last year i was threatened dangerously at this school and the only punishment this student received was 15 days of suspension. So he essentially got a free holiday for committing a criminal act. I really don't know what else to do other than to just leave and go to TAFE or something. I'm going to talk to my parents about the possibility of homeschooling or distance schooling. I feel like the only way to solve my issues is to be removed from this hostile environment.

[CJames]

Hi Lyf_is_hard,

I hope you had a great Holiday Period, it's been a few months since our last contact, just checking in on how you are?

Best Wishes,

C.