Too ugly to be loved

[SleepingUgly]

Hi everyone,

I am just here to vent, I don't have anyone to talk to in real life but I need to put it out there. I am too ugly to be loved. I have gone my whole life (I am 20) without a single guy ever caring about me. It is one of the most simple things in life, something the average 14 year old has: a relationship. But I am too ugly for any man to accept, I will never be good enough. It is just so hard because I didn't choose my appearance, I cry every day because it is so unfair that I am missing out on the joys of life because of it. I will never know love and will never get to be a mother. All because of something I didn't choose: my face. What makes it even harder is that one of my best friends who I live with is beautiful. She always has guys wanting her, she has had more boyfriends than I can count. It's not fair. The only guy in my life who has ever come close to loving me wanted her more, he just had to settle for me because she wasn't single. Before we started dating he would tell me he didn't want a relationship with me, but that my friend was so beautiful and amazing and he wished she was single. After 6 months of this I had enough and said I can't keep up the friends-with-benefits relationship we had and he settled for me. He was too embarrassed to hold my hand in public though, or even to tell anyone we were dating. He also cheated on me regularly. I stayed with him because I thought if I broke up with him, who else would want me? No one. Which turned out to be true after we broke up a year ago. Nobody wants me.

I need some tips on how to keep going through life without love. How else can I be happy?

[JessF]

Goodness me, Sleeping, it's very sad to read that you have written off your whole life and chances of happiness at a mere 20 years of age.  Maybe it's because I am a little (who am I kidding a lot!) older than you and I know what it feels like to think you are the last one on the shelf.  

As women being hung up about the way we look comes with the territory, we are exposed to so many damaging messages and photoshopped pictures in the media that we have a false idea of beauty. It distorts the way we think about ourselves and lowers our self esteem.  It can force us into making poor decisions, and in settling for second best.

And reading the story of you and your ex boyfriend above, that is what I feel you did. You said he was settling for you, no no no, it was the other way around. The man is a selfish, narcissitic jerk and you are lucky to be rid of him.

I'm not going to lie and say that looks don't make a difference in this world, but it is also true that your personality and confidence are also a big part of what makes you attractive to others, and that's not just to men, but in terms of making friends, getting the job you want, even managing to haggle a discount in a shop when you're buying something.

As long as you are so down on yourself, and constantly compare yourself with others (like your 'beautiful' friend) then you will continue to feel stuck like this.  

If you concentrate on being the best person you can possibly be and stay true to the values that you want to live by, love and relationships will grow from that. Trust me on this.  It is a cliche, but a true one, that love comes when you least expect it and usually when you are not looking for it.

[SleepingUgly]

Thank you so much for your kind reply Jess, it made me feel a lot better. I will read it every day to try to stay hopeful that my future isn't as bleak as it seems. I was afraid people would just see me as a dumb girl who wants a boyfriend, but I really do feel very low at the moment and you'll never know how much your words have helped me. Thank you.

[Neil_1]

Dear Sleeping

I'm so pleased that your first reply to your post was by Jess.  She is a wonderful person who has knowledge and experience and her responses have always been full great advice.  I do like your attitude to re-read Jess's response.

I'm a ahh, would you count one year off 50 as being middle aged - oh good, thank you for agreeing with me - I'm a middle aged guy, only 49 and a little bit, going on 28.  🙂

As Jess mentioned, my dear girl, you are just 20 - and you've got so so much in front of you.  Ok, that's possibly a cliché, but it's true - if I knew at 20 what I know now, I would have just settled back and been a lot less of a stressed youngster - hoping for this, wishing for that - when as an older person, I realised that things just do happen.  I probably wouldn't have as many damn grey hairs as I do now, if I didn't stress as much at that age.

May I ask, do you work or are you studying at the moment?

I'm so proud of you to hear that you got rid of that jerk who you were with - very similar sentiments to Jess.

You say you didn't choose your face - well, that's a gender thing but it does not change who you are - who you are inside.  I so hope that is right, because I was bitten by a dog when I was 2yo and have lived with a mouth that is not the same as everyone else's since then.  I've got to where I am now and am still going ok I guess.   Doesn't mean though that I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up, but hey, we can't have everything.

One last thing as Jess said, try not to compare yourself, say to your friend, and also just because she's possibly attracting others, does that mean that she's happy?  And with relationships as well - there are a lot of people out there who are in relationships who are struggling with their own lives.

Just take things along slowly - I guess you have been - but I hope you know what I mean.  I've asked about work or study.  May I ask also if you've got interests/hobbies that you enjoy?   Music, movies, books, etc?  Would be just nice to know if you've got certain things that you do find enjoyment with?

Kind regards

Neil

[SleepingUgly]

Hi Neil, thanks so much for your reply! I feel better realising that I am still young, even if it seems like I am running out of time. My friend is really happy, she has a great guy in her life and everyone loves her. I'm happy for her of course but I am jealous that I can't have what she has. Especially when she has not been at all sympathetic towards my problems.

I am pretty busy, when I'm not at uni I'm at work. I think my busy lifestyle is why I've been more down and stressed than usual, but it is good to have something constructive to do that is hopefully leading towards a good future. I don't really have time for hobbies unfortunately but I do enjoy reading when I can, I'm reading the hobbit at the moment and really enjoying it.

I'm sorry about the dog attacking you, that is an awful thing to happen, I hope that you are still happy because you sound like a really lovely person.

[geoff]

dear Sleeping, thanks for posting here on this site.

I just love the comments by Jess and Neil and what they have said has given you a big boost.

I will keep my reply short and sweet, just like you are, maybe not short but definitely sweet.

Your girlfriend who everybody wants to date, and who is apparently beautiful, well do you know that her life will be broken many times, and she will go through so many boyfriends and probably married multiple times, only because boys just want to date her for obvious reasons, and to hold her on a leash when married, I really pity her husband who will have his hands full, and compare this to you, well you will be a dedicated, honest, trust and worthy wife, and yes it will happen, because there's always someone for everybody.

Please trust me, you have my word. L Geoff. x

[Kapster]

Hi Sleeping,

I'm new here and just read your post. You really need to start believing in yourself, a great way to feel better and to get yourself feeling more positive is to get out there in the sunshine , go for a walk and clear your mind ( well it works for me ).

I think everyone's worst critic is themselves, stop worrying and try to get on with life , make yourself #1 and stop worrying about what others are thinking.

Hang in there and I'm sure your dreams will come true.

[Neil_1]

Hey Sleeping

Thank you for responding back with your kind reply and your really nice words you wrote about me.  Thank you. 

Ok ok, we’ve got some good things happening here and whoa, you are one busy girl.  (Too busy for a relationship, me thinks – said with tongue in cheek Sleeping – said with tongue in cheek and a cheeky wink 😉

But yes, a busy lifestyle can have benefits but also drawbacks as I guess you’re experiencing.  But for as long as you’re able – try to continue keep on doing the same things.  And as you say, it’s all constructive things that you’re doing – good positive things – and you just never EVER know what is around the next corner.  

Oh Sleeping – your time isn’t running out my dear – quite the opposite – you’ve just finished off going to school and all that relates to that.  But now, as you know, you’ve got a place of your own (a share place, but you’re out there living in the big wide world – and that’s not meant to be anything else but just explaining where you’re at at the moment) and as a result of this;  you’ve got a job;  you’re doing Uni and study to even further better yourself.  And on top of this, you’re just 20.  Time isn’t running out – you’ve got so many things to experience and believe me, you cannot expect to have them all completed by the time you’re 23 or 24yo. 

 I LOVED your sentence that ended:  “… that is hopefully leading towards a good future.”   BRILLIANT stuff – keep on with these positive thoughts.

I am a little disappointed in your ‘friend’ who as you say hasn’t been very sympathetic to you – that’s nothing bad about you Sleeping, it is the bad thing for your friend.  That IS a shame that she’s not more supportive – but maybe she just has her head in the clouds, while she looks in the mirror at herself.  I’m just saying.  🙂

 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkein –  a brilliant read;  great book.   Though I haven’t taken up the challenge to read Lord Of The Rings – watching the movies is enough for me on that.  Did you see the Hobbit movie??

 I hope you are able to get back here if you ok to do so.  You’ve already drummed up a number of wonderful responses and that’s what’s amazing about this site.  So much incredible support.

Cheers

Neil

[white knight]

Hi SU,

I'm 58yo guy and had some hangups when younger. So I kind of know what yuo are feeling.

It is my opinion that males dont mature until they are in their 30's. Only then do they look for a girl that is intelligent, warm hearted, creative and her own person. We cant all be celeb's in looks. But we can develop ourselves to become truly wonderful and attractive people.

So my advice is to concentrate on your career, your hobbies (as mentioned) and find things that you enjoy in life. 

Funny, there is a show on TV at the moment called House rules. There are 6 men and 6 women. You could say that 4 of the women are attractive in the traditional sense thru guys eyes. One of the remaining women is not so attractive but bubbly and fair dinkum- she is her own self.  I told my wife which of all 6 of them I found is closest to my choice if I was single and she got a shock. And when one of the pretty ones started crying which one went to her aid?  The one I reckon was a good catch. So in respect to guys tastes most people think its the model type we like best...maybe when real young but not so as we age.

Believe in yourself. Find your inner personality and make it shine, appreciate your uniqueness and love it, cradle your heart and run with it into the sunlight of confidence. Then things will work out for you.

[EmmaP]

Hi Sleeping,

I'm so glad that the above people have responded to you. They are all so supportive and active in this community, its so great to know that so many people care! Well done for being so brave by jumping on here.

I am a huge believer in the fact that there is the perfect soul mate out there for everyone. I am also a huge believer that everyone is beautiful, even if its not the 'social standard', which all lets admit, is a bit warped. I am also a huge believer in karma and beauty shines from the inside and confidence.

What I'm trying to say is run your own race. Don't be like everyone else. Be unique because you are unique. Be confident in yourself and it will shine through. Do little things for yourself that will make you feel good, like painting your nails, or having a bath, or getting a new haircut. For me, it was finding the pin up/rockabilly style that made me feel beautiful because I was able to celebrate my curves, be different, play with hair and makeup and wear cool clothes. I found that I could be beautiful in my own unique way and develop my style so I was happy, not society's views. Sure I get funny looks when I walk down the street, but I believe its because I'm different and that they are admiring.

Your friend- it is a shame she is not supportive of you. The guy, well he is an idiot for losing you and you deserve much better. I'm sure that the perfect person will fall right in your lap when you least expect it! You are still young and have so much to do and experience. Enjoy being single and beautiful, because you are!

As we say in the pin up world... Chin Up Pin Up! x