This is gonna be a long one

[Meatballs1234]

First of all, i don't exactly know if i'm just 'sad' or actually depressed, just wanted to put that out there. But anyways, i'm 15 years old and the past 2 years have been the hardest 730 days of my life, so many changes occurring in my life. 2 years ago i found out i was moving to a different country, a country where i would be thousands of kilometres away from my friends, the city i loved, the things that basically kept me sane and alive. I was devastated but fast forward to today, i've been here for 6 months now, yes i miss my friends, the city. Not to mention, this country is completely different from Australia, far more dangerous for a young girl like myself. Anyways, despite being very upset about the move, after a month or so, i slowly stopped crying, i actually started feeling this weird, unusual feeling - i felt happy??

Anyways so i start feeling a bit better but all of a sudden a dark conniving shadow glooms over me, it goes by the name of 'My mum's partner', i would say stepdad but i wouldn't give him that title. So they have been together since i was around 4 (10 years) and have always had their ups and downs but recently its been a weekly tradition to argue, not talk for two days, then i wake up in the morning to everything being 'normal' and them being lovey dovey like nothing ever happened. Also i'm sorry if these things are irrelevant but i just really have to get it out of my system. So where was i.

The constant bickering has somehow affected me, because i feel like they take their anger out on me and it really hurts (mentally). Her partner is not an all round malicious monster, theres some good in him, i guess. He is constantly on my case, telling me off as if he's my actual father, calling me names, he thinks just because i've only lived for 15 years that he automatically knows more than i do, not saying i know more than him, but he refuses to listen to anything my mum and i have to say, he seems to think he's superior to us. And i'm so sick and tired of it, he makes me feel like shit honestly, the degrading comments and all. I can tell my mum is not happy and she hasn't been for a while, we feel the same way about him, i always check on her after a fight to make sure she's doing fine. I just don't know what could possibly be holding her back I love my mum when it's just us, that's when i'm truly happy and i think she is too but when he's around she seems to be his evil sidekick.

[Meatballs1234]

Ok let me continue, i ran out of words in the last one but yeah i just don't know what to do because i know when theres something negative in your life its recommended you get rid of it but it's not like i can just pick him up and throw him in the bin, though i wish i could. But anyways that is the main reason why i'm so sad, but i'm a bit concerned because i feel that my sadness is a bit 'extreme' and sometimes i just feel like its because i'm overly sensitive but honestly i'm just scared to be 'depressed', i don't want anyone to 'pity' me, i could never tell my mum, i love her and she's not that mean i swear, but i feel like she would laugh at me or something, i'm just clueless on what to do because she has never been exposed to these kind of things so i assume she wouldn't believe in 'depression' and i just don't want to be dramatic about this situation and offend those who actually go through depression. I'm constantly crying and i hate it because we could literally be out grocery shopping and i would just start crying. I also try my best to avoid ' thinking' because it puts me in a really sad mental state and on top of that, i feel like i have no one to talk to, i used to be able to talk to my best friends and they would always listen and tried so hard to ease my mind but since they're in another country i haven't been able to do so and i know i can talk about it over message or FaceTime but it's just not the same and it just makes me cry even more because it reminds me that they're not here by my side. I've been trying to control my excessive crying and have set a day for me to have a mental breakdown - allowing myself to cry my brains out once a month because honestly for me, crying is so tiring and just painful, sometimes i cry so hard i get a headache. Normally i just cry on the first day of the month until i fall asleep but today things were different, yes it is the first day of the month but the waterworks came early i couldn't even contain myself on the way back in the car i tried so hard to hold in my tears but i couldn't and as soon as we arrived home i speed walked to my bathroom and cried real ugly in the shower for about 20 minutes and it didn't stop there,i really hate being overly dramatic but my heart is hurting right now and i don't expect any help from this i just felt like ranting even if no one reads this. And now that i've typed up more than 4000 words worth of feelings, i feel a bit better.I have had thought btw,but I'm too scared

[CJames]

Hi Meatballs1234, (Supurb name btw)

I don't know if I can reach as many words as you but I'll try 🙂

Welcome to the forums, you mentioned at one point that you had no one to talk to, we're here to listen, and we'll ultimately support you in any way possible. Nothing to small to discuss, so if you feel you want to talk about it go for it. I'm sure you're also aware that this is a judge free zone, everyone has their own issue's to deal with, everyone's here to help.

It's often hard to determine if you're sad or depressed as you mentioned, though the two has similar but majorly different characteristics. I suggest doing some research if you haven't already done, into depression, signs and symptoms. The site already provides some helpful content regarding the issue. It's good to be informed about a problem rather than know nothing about it, though remember not to jump to conclusions regarding the realm of depression. I'll suggest some options later on in the thread <3.

Being 15 can be super hard, everything changing especially your body, random emotions and other things, they can be terrifying.

Good work on keeping count, but I want you to think, where will you be in 730 days from now, keeping in mind, you can only go forward. Let me know what you come up with 🙂

Fortunately, I haven't had to move, but the way you have described it I can only imagine how hard it has been for you, losing your friend. I know being 17 how much I rely on my friends for support for just the necessary things.

How are you going with friends now? Have things worked out?

I would regard Australia as a pretty safe, at least in my opinion. Much safer over some over conflict-torn countries but that's for another day 🙂

It's terrific you found some peace in the move to Australia, feeling happy instead of sad.

Often parents relationships can be baffling and super confusing for someone of our age, with ups and downs pretty common. I know when my parents split up, it was constant arguing back and forth. In all honesty, I don't have the best relationship now with my mum; we don't see eye to eye.

Don't worry Meatballs; nothing is irrelevant on these forums, everything matters so do everyone.

Have you spoken to your mum about how the arguing affects you? Not regarding depression, but relationship wise.

Being someone's punching bag can be incredibly draining both emotionally and physically, it's essential to manage this before it comes negative on your health, in your case I would

1/

[CJames]

Being someone's punching bag can be incredibly draining both emotionally and physically, it's essential to manage this before it comes negative on your health, in your case I would

definitely, speak to your mum. As much as you're reluctant it can really help. Otherwise, you could talk to someone from Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636, Headspace, a GP or even a psychiatrist. Face-to-Face can be a perfect tool for helping someone express themselves if you're not so confident speaking to someone, try writing a letter and handing it to your GP.

I'm sorry to hear that your mum's partner calls you names, no one should be made to feel like absolute crap. Is he approachable? Is it possible you could talk with him about how you feel? Or is that off the table entirely? I wouldn't suggest reacting, this can make the situation entirely worse, which is what we don't want for you.

It's really good you're there to support your mum after a fight, I'm sure she's super thankful for it, I know I would be in that situation. Do you think you and your mum would benefit from speaking to someone together? Men can do weird things Meatball.

Your home doesn't feel like a comfortable place around him; I completely get that <3.

Often the process of removing negativity is cutting it out, in this case as you have mentioned its much harder. Ultimately it's up to your mum; I would support her through her decision making, that's the best thing you can do. Even if you feel it isn't the best option. I'm sure your mum loves you very much and wouldn't put you in harm's way.

I feel you have a genuine reason to be sad; you're going through a lot at 15, the big move, issues at home and I also imagine that you go to school, that work can add extra stress (I know in year 12 it does now for me)

Don't be afraid to tell your mum, what you're thinking. Often teenagers don't say to their parents the whole story; I know from experience there because I do it once and a while.

I don't think you should be ashamed at the idea of being sad or even depressed; there's nothing wrong with it, sometimes life get's tough. Nor do I think you will offend those who have depression because you have spoken to your mum, I would actually believe in their eyes, you're the type of person with a lot of courage.

Your constant crying is a concern, especially in day to day operations, like visiting the grocery store as you mentioned. Is there anything else that could be causing you such grief?

2/

[CJames]

I better start wrapping this up,

I would seriously take into considerating speaking to a school counsellor or any of the above options. It does help to speak to someone in whatever form comfortably to you.

I really feel for you Meatballs, and sincerely hope your situation improves. I also hope you make heaps of friends here in Australia that you can surround yourself with. It's perfect for your mental health and drastically enhances it.

You're not overdramatic; you're expressing your true feelings, which can take more than 2500 characters. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, you've decided to take that step, so that's a good step in the right direction.

I read it all <3; I hope you can understand my terrible structured sentences, I was about to go to bed when I saw your post.

Don't be afraid to cry; there's nothing wrong with it, it's not weak, I think it's the quite the opposite powerful.

I do hope you improve in the next few months; I don't like to see someone as young as you hurting.

I'm glad you feel better after opening up, imagine this Face-to-Face (not with me at least because I'd be balling my eyes out 🙂

Don't be afraid to reply back, or speak your mind.

Catch you later,

I'm off to bed.

Best of luck,

C.

3/

[Meatballs1234]

Wow i wasn't expecting a reply at all, i only intended to type out my feelings to ease my mind but i really appreaciate your reply. Thank you.

So first of all, i'm not sure if i mentioned this but i actually moved FROM australia to some place else, i lived in perth for 7 years - so you can imagine the strong friendships i formed in those years. I never intended to portray my friends in that way, i meant they were always there for me and still are, its just difficult when they're in another country, its different.

I don't mean to sound dramatic but my life is really complicated. So long story short, about 2 years ago, her and her partner had a huge fight, he basically left for a week or so but a while later he begged for forgiveness and my mum was set on not forgiving(keep in mind that she doesn't ever share or show her emotions) and she let me decide if he were to come back or not, i think u can guess my answer here - immediately i thought hell no! But i couldn't bare seeing my mum alone, and i could feel that she didn't want to be alone so i lied and told her it would be ok and she said he promised us he would change - bullshit. That was no doubt the biggest regret in my life, i can only imagine how good my life would have been, i think i mentioned in my first posts that when it was just my mum and i it would be so fun and i would genuinely feel happy. But the past is in the past i guess, its just hard to let go. That was the only time I've ever expressed my feelings about him(sorta), though I'm starting to slide it in conversations when they have their weekly fights and she just says "i don't know I'm sick of him' And i don't want to be too upfront about it because I'm afraid. And not to mention the waterworks.

Talking to him is not an option i give myself, i would really rather not waste my breath and tears on it. He is extremely conceited- he would rather die than admit i'm right.

As for the constant crying, i don't know why i do, i guess my mind is filled with so so much and its overwhelming at times. I always try to distract myself, it honestly pains me to sit in a car without earphones or any internet because if i don't, my mind leaves me no choice but to THINK,a dangerous thing to me - the negatives in my mind always seem to take over and then theres this storm cloud over my head and i just feel so sad.

[Meatballs1234]

I don't feel entirely comfortable sharing the country i live in now but i'll say its in Asia so a completely different lifestyle, different people from perth, its just so overwhelming and i don't mean to sound like a brat and all because i was born in this country and its amazing but my life just doesn't belong here.

And i don't mean to baffle but things won't make sense if i don't tell most of the story and its a longgg story i'll say that. So i was meant to start school(college) in April - i was devastated because i had moved in december last year and i didn't want to wait that long but i was excited to start college doing what i actually enjoy - fashion. I kid you not, it was the only thing keeping me sane, yes i was nervous having to meet new people but i was so keen but then the news came that my year 10 cert isn't recognised and honestly that broke my heart and my mum and her partner really didn't help, and i stayed in my room for 2 days straight, i didn't talk to anyone - i truly had never felt that feeling before. But life has to go on so i'm joining the next intake which is in august instead BUT i have to take an exam before that to even be 'qualified' for entry, the exam is next week and honestly if i don't get a good enough mark i don't know what i would do with myself. I would have to retake the next exam which is next year and i wouldn't be able to stand it - i can't stay in my room with no friends for 6-7 days a week anymore. And before you say to go out and that, i can't - its too dangerous for a girl like me. But yeah thats my life in a nutshell.

I just want to thank you again for taking the time out of your day to read my post, i really wasn't expecting a reply at all and you even beat me with the amount of words hahahah.

xo

[Meatballs1234]

also i meant babble not baffle whoops

[CJames]

Hi Meatballs1234,

My mistake, I thought you moved to Australia. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I promise I won't have as long as a reply before.

I too live in Perth, where did you live? (If you don't mind me asking, you don't have to answer that one 🙂

You're not dramatic, nor do you sound like a brat. Some issues are complicated and require time to be listened to. I'm sorry to hear about your certificate not being internationally recognised, what was the qualification?

Try to do some revision, take breaks and deep breathes. Don't do it all in one hour.

Best of Luck,

Connor.