I've been getting professional counselling. None of it is helping. I wish I could just move to some quite place in South New Zealand and spend my days alone in some quite peak or small town where I wouldn't have to worry about all this luggage that comes with life. My friends have changed since going to University and have started acting very stuck up. I've deferred from University myself because I have absolutely no ambitions. My first Girlfriend left me right after new years this year, which in itself was a blessing in disguise because I now know what my value is as a person, which is small to none.
So. Why exactly am I continuing each day suffering, dragging this ball and chain around my ankle. I have no one to wake up to in the morning to make a cup of tea and breakfast for. No one to share my interests with. I'm just sitting here without any friends and no reason to do anything. As Audrey Hepburn said “When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over.” This is indeed how I feel right now. And you can tell me making friends is easy just be more outgoing, the thing is I have no interest in 'clubbing' or 'parties' or any such social events. I prefer to spend my time quietly at the beach reading a book or at a park enjoying the serenity. And even when I do see someone at the park or beach by themselves I'm often too scared to approach them. I wouldn't even know what to say. What if they thought I was some creep? I'm just stuck in this endless cycle of loneliness. I accept that I'm lonely, and I don't want a circle of friends, I just want one friend I can talk to and hang out with. Otherwise I'm really questioning myself as to why I'm wasting time and resources existing.
