Studying film with social anxiety and depression

daisyb · ‎28-11-2017

Hello all !

I was hoping I could some advice here, please. I've always wanted to study film but I let my social anxiety run my life and prevent me from studying what I want to do because of fear of rejection, criticism and embarrassment. My anxiety has slowly improved over the last year now that I am on meds for it as well as depression. I still REALLY want to study film but I just can't push myself to do it, I don't know how to push past my fears and I hate myself for it and I know one day I will regret it if I don't follow my dreams.

I haven't really been out in the real world much since I finished year 12 in 2014. I have been studying online (not film, because I HAD to do something) and I have been looking for work for a while now. I am afraid to go back to school because year 11 and 12 were horrible for me. I moved towns at the beginning of year 11 and I knew no body. This is when I developed social anxiety and I was too afraid to raise my hand in class, make friends or share my ideas. I even missed my graduation. I remember working in groups in drama and I never spoke and it annoyed my teachers and other group members. I'm afraid this will happen again. In year 12 my younger sister attempted suicide many times and my few friends left me because they didn't like my sister. My dad was harassing my mother, sister and I for money all the time and my sister and him were doing ICE. This affected me while I was trying to finish school and doing exams and my anxiety got worse to the point where I stopped going to school and when I did go to school I would spend all my breaks reading in the toilets because I had no friends any more. My work was also not the best quality because I constantly procrastinated and didn't feel motivated. It was one of the worst periods in my life. I know that my current situation isn't as bad now that I FINALLY just got into a more stable environment but I'm afraid that if I go back to school it will be too stressful for me and I will let everyone down again. I also live 30 mins out of the nearest city and I don't have my license so this is also a barrier.

Does anyone have any stories they can share or any ideas/advice on how to deal with studying while you have social anxiety? Especially in a collaborative environment... Most people tell me it's stupid to even consider studying something as interactive as film when I have anxiety.

Thank you for reading and thank you for any responses and advice !!!

james1 · ‎30-11-2017

Hey daisy,

So sorry about the delayed response but welcome to the forums!

I don't think it's stupid at all to want to study film with anxiety. Robin Williams suffered from depression and he was a comedian. Go figure.

Mental illness does not govern what we do. Rather, we decide how much sway it has.

So congratulations on trying to push yourself again this time. It takes a lot of mental stamina to try and do what your body and mind are telling you to run away from.

Perhaps it would be good if you could tell us more about your anxiety right now. What kinds of things are you able to do and which take a little more effort? Some people struggle to leave their rooms or homes, while others struggle to talk in larger groups.

Also, do you mind if I ask if you are currently seeing any health professionals?

James

daisyb · ‎30-11-2017

Hello James

Thank you for your response !

My anxiety now has improved a lot as I said. In 2015 I wasn't able to leave my home because it was that bad, nor could I make appointments for myself or do things I needed to do in order to look after myself. However in the last year I have slowly tested myself and I am at the point now where I can leave the house alone, go to appointments alone, go to the store alone, I even forced myself recently to join as a volunteer at the local art gallery which has been helpful as I wanted to do it to help myself. So I am doing a lot better although I still find a lot of things challenging like speaking on the phone, finding motivation, interacting with people (I have no friends) and doing things I actually want to do. I still find it extremely hard to share my ideas and voice my opinions.

I am not seeing a health professional anymore, I was seeing one last year and she helped me a lot though she decided I didn't need to see anyone anymore. It would be great if I could find some support just to help me push past this one thing but I'm not sure what they could really do.

Daisyb

Miss T · ‎03-12-2017

Interacting with your choice of others in your collaborative environment may have a protective effect on your mental health, I hope you have ‘quiet rooms’ you can access or can tune out background noise. You don’t have to be the star type to work in film but, as with any creative pursuit, it can be high pressure with little return but certainly worth it for fulfilment, even if it just becomes a hobby or the study takes your mind off other problems and doesn’t lead anywhere. Even contributing to this forum shows that you have grown as a person since your problems at school. I was a lot shyer but have improved as I have learnt more and had more to talk about with people. All you can do is try!

afloat · ‎04-12-2017

Hi daisyb,

You sound really passionate about studying film, which is great!

I have experienced social anxiety negatively affecting my studies, similar to what you've mentioned, like not wanting to put my hand up or answering/asking questions in class. It was really problematic when I wouldn't ask questions on things that I was really stuck on in class, and had to spend extra time to find the answers elsewhere - a lot of the time, I just couldn't be bothered looking for those answers, and I guess that's probably where my studies really suffered.

It took a long time, but I realised that asking questions didn't mean that I was stupid and there's a quote somewhere saying that the only stupid question is the one that you didn't ask. And then I was tired of social anxiety taking over my academic studies, something that's important in my life. So I thought, as a kind of exposure therapy, to just do it. Put my hand up even if I was super nervous and anxious to and just blurt it out even if my voice sounded like it was cracking a bit. And I would just try to think that it didn't matter if others think badly of me just because my voice cracked or something -at least I achieved the goal of asking the question! It would still be a win for me. And it would be unlikely that others would think badly of me since I think many people have a bit of social anxiety with speaking in public - they would understand. I don't know if that's true but in my personal experience, there is an awkward silence a lot of the times after a tutor asks a question in a tutorial.

For me, after I voluntarily speak in class, I see it as something brave. Social phobia is an irrationally excessive fear of negative evaluation, and if I've tried to acknowledge this fear and put my hand up to ask a question anyway so that the fear doesn't have such a negative impact on my goals, then I think it is an act of courage. Also, I like to treat myself after doing something brave like this!

That's just my personal experience, what are your thoughts? 🙂

daisyb · ‎05-12-2017

Hello afloat!

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me! Reading about your story shows me how brave and courageous you are and I think it is awesome that you are able to recognise what is happening and to push yourself! I really admire it.

I definitely agree with just making yourself do it, I try to remember that I am not inside other people's heads and therefore I don't really know what they think of me. I think treating yourself afterwards is a great idea and that is something I also like to do for myself, I find it helpful !

I think for me one of the hardest things to deal with is that when I put my hand up or when I say something that isn't 'right' or I feel embarrassed, I get teary and that's the thing I get most embarrassed about... I can't control it, it just happens and then I try to hide myself and end up crying and don't want people to see me.

Thank you again for sharing your personal experiences with me, it is really helpful and inspiring.

james1 · ‎06-12-2017

Hi daisyb,

First of all, a big congratulations for taking all these big steps to improve your life. It sounds like you've come a really long way.

When you say you want to have someone help you through this one more thing but not sure what they could do, you've actually got it 100% correct.

A psychologist isn't there to 'do' anything for you. They are there to help guide and support and provide a pillar of strength to draw on.

Think of it like the gym. We don't pay personal trainers to do our training for us. We pay them to help us set realistic goals, to guide us in the best path towards our goals, and to give us motivation. Same thing for psychologists and counsellors.

James

afloat · ‎10-12-2017

Hey daisyb,

Sorry about the late reply. Thank you for your kind words, that is something that will help motivate me to keep going too! I am glad it was helpful 🙂

Yeah it's really hard when something seemingly small like answering a question in class feels so overwhelming and emotional. I have experienced something similar, sometimes feeling almost like crying when in class. And then I might go to the bathroom after class and try to calm myself down and let it all out if I needed to.

Remember that answering the question in class was a really brave thing to do and you are getting closer to achieving your goals. One step at a time. Many times I would go 'backwards' and feel like I was failing at trying to manage the anxiety but this is normal. It's part of the process and 'a lapse is not a relapse'. Keep going and don't give up. These experences will make you a stronger person in the long run and will build your confidence with coping with other difficult times in the future. I'm still working on it all now but it's getting easier 🙂 Put yourself out there and it really helps.

All the best!

Miss T · ‎23-12-2017

Try writing down what you want to say so you don't forget or stumble over your words. I know it is a crutch but even actresses start with a script and have multiple takes. Most people don't speak perfectly off the top of their heads.