No one likes me...

[Civilised_Biscuit]

Hi,

I feel like at school, i'm a joke. I have no real friends, no people I feel I can actually confide in. The only people I ever enjoyed spending time turned on me, and I became the target of all their 'jokes'. Jokes is in quotation marks because what they claimed to be jokes were just racist, homophobic attacks on me and my family members. Anyway, I had to break away from them, and now I have no one. No one I talk to shares the same interests as me, no one takes me seriously. I wish I didn't care so much about what people think, but I really do. I just want one person who I can talk to, one person I can spend time with who doesn't judge me or talk about me behind my back or insult me whenever they can.

At lunch time I don't really know where to go either... There are some people who I sit with in class, but whenever I go to hang out with them, they seem disinterested and take any opportunity to get away, leaving me alone again to wander around looking like a complete loser. I feel like just going to the bathroom and sitting alone, out of the view of everyone, so at least no one can see how lonely I am. I never get invited out of the house, never get invited to parties. I'm just sad.

Thanks

[white knight]

Hi CB, welcome

Its terrible and I know the feeling of not fitting into groups. Is it your fault? No. Your age group is like that, it doesnt last forever and once those people mature their attitude changes.

So I know how hard it is for you. What can we do about it? What can we do to find good caring friends? Lets do some maths!

Let say the average person makes friends with 1 in 5 people their own age. It means that if they have 200 people they are in contact with say at a school or uni then they can easily have 40 potential friends. What a choice!

So with yourself say you are compatible with 1 in 40 people. It means in a crowd of 200 only 5 are suitable for close friendship. But those 5 people feel the same as you and dont feel inclined to go out and mix with others to find friends so the situation becomes even harder.

The only answer to help yourself is to increase the number if people you meet by joining groups that interest you like soft sports...volleyball, table tennis, badminton etc or interest groups like art, photography etc. So if you double the number if vontact to 400, you double you potential to find friends.

Remember, you only need 1 or 2 good friends.You'll never be that popular person you see all the time. And you wont meet a good friend sitting in your bedroom. You have to get out and about.

Popular people look happy and content. Its not always true. Behind closed doors their are sad people.

Best of luck. Remember its not your fault.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Civilised Biscuit~

I name like that is unusual, easy to remember. My I ask what made you choose it? Because your post count is 3 I read what you had said before in 2015

I'm glad that particular worry appears no longer to be front and central in your thoughts. Looking at it though both then and now the 'friendship group' appears to be causing you worries. You are obviously a person that takes things seriously.

I guess for most of us there is a strong desire to be liked, and also to belong. I'd have to ask though if belonging to a group that is cruel and indulges in 'jokes' that hurt others is one you really would want to be part of. I rather think you might consider you are letting yourself down by joining with them.

Tony WK is quite right in his answer to you, firstly that those that appear popular may well be masking inner unhappiness or discontent, and that one or two good friends are so much more important than fickle groups.

It may take a while to find others with the same world view. Tony's maths are spot on. Increase the number of potential friends by increasing the breadth of your activities.

It can be very hard to be lonely, and hard too feeling that others are judging you for being alone. It is not your fault you are alone at the moment, it is a horrible part of life you have to get though to better things, at least you have the opportunity to put the odds more in your favor.

We'd be happy for you to talk more and say what you think of this.

Croix

[Civilised_Biscuit]

Hi Croix,

Yes, thankfully I am no longer concerned about the same things that I was in 2015.

I posted this thread this morning, and throughout the day I've had time to think about things. Breaking away from my friends was sad, because before they turned on me they were lots of fun to spend time with. I also think it's very interesting what you said about popular kids. I guess I sort of do want to be popular but I don't think i'd be very suited to that sort of lifestyle. I'm definitely more of an introverted person.

I seem to go through really extreme ups and downs at the moment, because right now I'm feeling much better than I was this morning. I guess because it's the weekend, i've sort of distanced myself from my problems at school. I've also realised that there are 1 or 2 friends that I didn't consider when writing the post. I haven't spoken to them in a while but maybe I'll consider talking to them again.

My main focus at the moment is school and music - I've managed to make a few friends through the latter, and hopefully I'll be able to maintain them and not repel them like I do with most others.

Thanks

[Croix]

Dear Civilised Biscuit~

I'm glad some of the pain, worry and uncertainty has let up for while.

You know, having the ability to be a friend is not something one thinks about that much. To have things to offer to a friendship is so important. Your posts show you have intelligence, a quiet way of looking quite deep into the world, and a fair amount of self-knowledge. You also have enough self control not to jump in to undesirable relationships.

I think you have a lot to offer. Worthwhile friends will come.

Croix (who wonders what sort of music you are into)

[Civilised_Biscuit]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your kind words. I see myself going through these stages of ups and downs a lot. I don't doubt that i'll meet some nice people eventually, but at the moment I just feel really lonely. Thankfully I have a really good relationship with my family, but sometimes that doesn't really feel like enough.

[swtpotato]

Hi Civilised Biscuit (love the name btw)

I feel like I relate a lot to what you are saying. It is interesting how we tend to desire what other people have without considering if we would actually want that kind of life to begin with. e.g. I have been feeling real shitty about myself since I am not outgoing and don't have as many friends as the people around me at uni - thinking why don't I act like that, why don't I think that is funny, why can't I be more fun or enthusiastic? But if I think about it more, I don't really value that type of experience as much as they do, and would rather focus on my strengths and own values. This may be similar to how you may feel bad about leaving this popular friend group.

I think it is important to recognise your own unique personality, what inspires you? what makes you laugh? What do you like most about other people? Know that you will meet people who appreciate you more and you them -- you just haven't had the chance to get to know them yet. I also think it is perfectly ok to care what other people think, it's hard to help it, what you can do is not let it influence your actions and values.

I understand feeling lonely and isolated, I hope talking on here helps this. I stop feeling lonely when I have a better relationship with my self first, rather than surrounding myself with other people.

Keep on riding the waves -- things will get easier

- EM

[Glen2]

Really good post White Knight, I agree with you. Consider joining sports groups or other activities in the school.

When I was younger I never felt like I fitted in so I would go into the library where I felt I was safe because the librarians would have seen if someone verbally attacked me. Also it was a place to get lost into different worlds reading books about different countries or places. Suss out this option and see if there are any other kids that like the library too, you could befriend them while waiting in a cue by saying "Hello, my name is ....., what is your name, I see you in here quite often what do you like to read about" This could lead into a conversation about what they may do outside of school too and who knows you may have something in common. If they don't say much consider they may actually be shy and been hurt themselves.

If you are having difficulties at school and that is why you feel people don't want to know you tell you parents because they may be able to arrange a tutor to help you or they may be able to help you themselves. I hope you feel like you can open up to them.

I think it is important for you to develop friends also outside of school so that if everything gets too much at school you have someone to talk to. Don't let anyone discourage you from doing the things you love because you may have regrets later down the track if you don't follow what you love and dream about. While you are young it is important to develop your talent in things that you really like because who knows they could lead to an amazing life.

The secret is trying to find common interest and don't let others think they have got to you. If someone has a dig at you go "whatever" and walk away, try to get near an adult as quickly as possible if you think things are going to get worse.

Andrew Matthews wrote a very good book about how to make friends below is something I got off the internet for you to look at - you can purchase the book through Amazon and I am pretty sure you would be able to get it at a good bookstore.

[Glen2]

Or you may be able to get it from your community library too.

Also too, as White Knight said people quite often change as they get older. People also tend to try and find weaknesses in others to try and draw attention away from their own weaknesses too - so just keep that in your mind - they are seeing if you will get upset. You could say "none of us are perfect - take a look in the mirror" which is true regardless of what they are saying to you and if they press you just say "think about it". Hopefully that will stop them in their tracks. That way you are not attacking them and coming down to their level but you are simply stating a true fact, that will get them thinking.

The second to last piece of advice I will give you is make a point of smiling at elderly people too as you walk down the street, who knows they may be lonely and the warm smile you will get back will make you feel better about yourself.

Lastly, whenever anyone says something nice about you write it down. Eventually some of the bad remarks fade from your memory but keep the nice comments in book beside your bed and read them every night because they are positive affirmations. Don't take the book to school just incase it goes missing.

Good luck, nobody deserves to be bullied.

P.S. You could also talk to a school counsellor and ask them to promise that they will not betray your trust. Listen carefully to what they say.

[Glen2]

I quickly read what you said first and then after I had typed everything up I realised when I re-read what you wrote you are going to make contact with old friends. Good idea but also consider trying to make new friends too. People do move on at times.

You sound like an intelligent person and I am so glad you have a good family. I wish you well.