Struggling with Fear of Death

[JustAnotherOtaku]

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been absolutely terrified by the thought of death. Not in the way most are.

I go to bed every night in a sweat and usually I have to put on an audiobook so that I can distract my mind. But unfortunately that only works some of the time. I’ll suddenly get into a spiral and all I can think about is not existing. I worry first and foremost about myself (which I am quite guilty about) but also for my family and pets - mostly my parents.

Over the last two years or so it’s gotten a lot worse and it seeps into my daily life too. It’s not something I find easy to talk about with people (I try) because they want to be ‘relatable’ and they think they understand. I’m never not worried. I worry about everyone ALL the time, and it stops me from experiencing things that I might otherwise enjoy.

Sometimes I even find that worry of other people turning into little rituals (like OCD but it’s not to a super worrying extent). I have to fix things up a certain way before bed otherwise something bad might happen to someone I love. Things like that. I try and put it out of my mind, and I try to challenge it when I can so that I don’t get completely stuck in it, but it’s hard sometimes.

I also fear this issue of absolutely fearing death has lead to my anxiety and depression, which I am sure I have now. I haven’t really ever felt not anxious over the last few years, and I’m always feeling pretty depressed most of the time. I try and do what I can to feel better, like going outside, exercising, eating better, doing things that I would have normally enjoyed doing but it doesn’t do much. Plus, (and this is a biggie) although I technically have friends we’re not super close. People get scared off my personal things and I think that’s what makes friendship. By personal I don’t mean sharing all your secrets or everything about your life, just the things that really matter to you, you know? A lot of people I know tend to go off when they find someone better and it’s hard not to feel the sting, but I try anyway. Essentially what I’m trying to say is a super good support system from my friends isn’t exactly what I have. I’m not totally alone or anything (I’m super lucky I know to have some people that I could talk to) but it still doesn’t feel great while I’m freaking out 98% of the time.

Do YOU struggle with this?

Also a question I’ve wondered: are there any mental health camps for Uni students out there?

[startingnew]

Hello and welcome

I apologise you havent had a response as yet. Its sounding pretty tricky right now. i dont suffer from this however i can hear how much its affecting you.

Youve meantioned friends although they arent great supports but what about Family members and/or professionals like a gp and/or psychologist?

You meantioned uni so i pressume your in uni- they offer free counselling as well.

I cant make assumptions but are you under 25? if so headspace and Kidshelpline might be able to offer you some more assistance as well. we also have a friends cafe for under 25s as well that your welcome to join in with as well as other uni students (you can find threads by using the BB search bar)

[LavenderTea]

Hey JustAnotherOtaku,

Thanks for posting. I haven’t personally experienced this either, but it’s clear that this is a real issue for you. It sounds like this has been something you’ve had to manage for a long time – that must be tiring.

Whilst a lot of people have some worries surrounding the idea of death, it is generally manageable, however as you’ve said, this is a little bit different. When people worry excessively, it can be a good indication that they’re experiencing some level of anxiety. You’ve described that you typically get sweaty when you go to bed every night, you have racing thoughts, and that your worry can sometimes turn into ritual-like behaviour. These are all signs and symptoms that you might be experiencing anxiety – and you’re right, this can sometimes lead to symptoms of depression.

It’s really good to hear that you have some ways that you can distract yourself (i.e. audiobooks) and that you can challenge your own thoughts sometimes, this is a really good start. An idea might be to make a list of the things you tell yourself to challenge your thoughts so that if you find that you can’t think of any at one point or another, you can refer back to that list.

I’m also really glad to hear that you’re still trying to do things that make you feel better such as going outside, exercising and eating well. Sometimes it can be really hard to maintain these activities but you seem to be doing a great job, and this is really important.

Are you close with your family? If you share your worries with them they may be able to help support you a little more than your social network. It can be hard if you don’t feel like you’re entirely supported or accepted by your friends, especially when you’re at uni because you don’t always see your friends as much as you would in other situations. It sounds like you’re looking for people who you can talk to that will understand your experience. ADAVIC is an organization that runs support groups for anxiety and depression in a number of areas across Melbourne if you were interested in joining one. Also, I don’t know which uni you are at, but I know that unimelb might run an Anxiety Support Group on Tuesdays during semester. On that note, I do agree with startingnew that uni counselling might be something to consider.

I haven’t actually heard of any uni’s running mental health camps for uni students, but that would be a fantastic program if they did!

Hope this is helpful!

LT.

[PamelaR]

Hi JustAnotherOtaku and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Worrying is the pits isn’t it? It does sound like you’ve had some really big worries over the past few years. Yes, I do struggle with anxiety and worries (not necessarily about the same things as you worry). Though I'm managing.

Starting New and LT have given you some great ideas.

Here’s another one for you. Earlier this year my psychologist put me onto the Centre for Clinical Interventions at the University of Western Australia. He’d suggested I have a look at the resources and workbooks they’ve produced for mental health. The first one he got me to look at was - What? Me Worry!?! - Mastering your worries.

The basis of the workbook is - one can actually control their worry. For example I set myself a time of the day and a place/space that I will worry. So when I went to bed that night and the worries came flooding in as they usually did, I said to myself, no, not now - tomorrow afternoon when I’m sitting outside under the trees I’ll take pen and paper and list my worries. You’re not going to believe how easy it was for me to make that transition. It worked. No worries at bedtime anymore. I have a set time (and limit), place and space.

I’ve made it sound very easy - it does take a little work of course.
Thank you for sharing your story. Hope things settle for you. Keep reaching out if and when you want to JustAnotherOtaku,no pressure to do so. You're not alone.


Kind regards
PamelaR