Struggling with alcohol and love

[Fat_tony]

Hey all! I’ve decided to create this thread because I need perspective and advice on the topic of being an aggressive drunk and possibly being a bad partner.

The story goes like this. I’m a 20 year old male who struggles with depression and anxiety. I met an incredible woman just over a year ago who I have connected with on a very deep and passionate level from the getgo. What we share is something truly special and great, however, recently I feel I have not been the man she deserves.

About 6/7 weeks ago I was made redundant and lost my job. It was a real shock and something I feel has played a part in the spiralling of my life. At the moment I’m just hemoraging the money in my savings and feel like I have to start everything again.

Alcoholism was a major problem for several of my family members and there have been many arguments and hurt feelings as a result.

Yesterday we decided to go out for drinks with a handful of people for her upcoming birthday then headed back to a friends for a couple hours afterwards. Everything was going great until we got home. (It was very late).

Earlier in the night a topic was brought up that had my girlfriend balling her eyes about a lot of the trauma she deals with and it truly pained me to see her so upset on her birthday weekend. For some reason the fact I cant fix this and knowing the situation has never properly been addressed subconsciously annoys me I think.

Eventually we made it home where the problems started. I don’t remember the full details though I remember being mostly in the wrong. There were some remarks made that I drunkenly took offence to and then it exploded from there.

a 5 minute back argument began however the important details are as follows

Somewhere early in the argument I was called my mums name implying I’m as bad a drinker as her. This is a very touchy subject that sent me into an aggressive rage aimed at her. I began to yell at her and even sunk low enough to call her an idiot before I left the house in a blaze of anger. I returned 15 minutes later still fuming however i was ready to have a calm conversation. She didn’t want to talk so I waited in bed for her until I fell asleep. Upon waking up I wanted to sit down and discuss everything. Apologise and talk about how to move forward from the ordeal and upon being rejected I left the house rather annoyed.

I was 100% in the wrong and I think it’s time to quit drinking and be a better man. How can I fix this and what’s wrong with me?

[SammyD100]

Hi Tony

Firstly I wanted to acknowledge the strength and honesty you’ve shown in writing this post. I think it was really courageous of you to put all of this down in writing and seek advice and help.

I really like that you have been able to see that there are things about yourself and your situation that you’d like to try and change. You have acknowledged that there are things you’ve said and done that you are not necessarily proud of, and being aware of that is a really great first step to trying to put some changes in place.

You mentioned that you have struggled with depression and anxiety? I imagine being made redundant would have been a really significant trigger for you, especially in the context of your mental health struggles. I wonder if there are any strategies you’ve been able to use in the past that have helped you when things have been hard? For some people it’s things like good quality sleep, exercise, seeing friends and family, etc. For others it’s things like mindfulness. Do you have any strategies you can use?

When life gets hard many people turn to things that make them feel good in the moment – things like alcohol, drugs, etc. In the short-term they make us feel good and like our worries aren’t significant anymore. But in the long-term they just mask the problems we’re having and don’t help us to find good solutions. You mentioned alcoholism has been a part of your family life, resulting in arguments and hurt? And it sounds like you attribute the issues that occurred the other night, to the fact that you were drinking? I wonder how you would feel about trying to cut alcohol out of your life at the moment?

You talk about how much your partner means to you. Seeing her upset, especially on her birthday, must have been really hard for you. I think it’s only natural to want to be able to fix things for her – but sometimes the best way to support someone in pain is just to be there with and for them.

It sounds like both you and your partner have some difficulties that might benefit from some external support. Have you considered counselling? You might benefit from some support to explore ways of reducing your drinking and finding other ways to approach life problems, and your partner might benefit from help to deal with her trauma?

I want to finish by saying there’s nothing wrong with you. The fact that you say you want to quit drinking and be a better man is an incredible strength and an amazing first step.

All the best,
SammyD