Someone help

[Dyllan]

I feel like I am wasting away the short like I have. The main issue is I feel like a robot. I'm not in control of anything I do. I feel numb and that my body makes its decisions based on the past motions I've adopted. I'm not in control of most things I do. I feel trapped. Stuck, brainwashed into a world and society I may never understand. I struggle with basic things normal people wouldn't. I can't hold a conversation with so many people due to the face that I can't focus on any topic, nor can I process the information that I hear/see. I have a constant worry of being judged and on what the thoughts of others are towards me. My trains of thought last 20 seconds at most. Everything I do I end up putting off because " I'll do it later" . I can't read a book. Oh the feeling I would have if I could sit down uninterrupted, even in a quiet room and read a book. Not due to the fact of not being able to read; I'm a very confident reader. More due to the fact that I can't remember what I read, nor can I focus on what I'm reading in the present time. The sentences make complete sense, but I just can't remember because as I read, I read the words while my brain has inner thoughts on other topics. I feel like I am smart enough to accomplish anything; but the focus I lack is holding me back along with the lack of attention/ people skills. In my head everything seems so simple; be introduced to new knowledge, study and remember that new information, store the information in your mind then unleash it through your senses when need be. Why isn't it that simple? As I write this I'm struggling to not look away and think about my surroundings, or anything else that randomly pops into my mind. This is the first time ive let out my thoughts or even wrote about them. What do I do? All I want to be able to do in life is study a topic, remember what I read then outsource that information in a smooth, confident manner. That, and to be able to hold a social conversation with another person and not forgetting what's been said. I don't feel; I never feel happy, sad, or angry. Numb. What do I need to do to fix my problems and live a happy life. When I watch other people communicate I try to watch, listen and learn what is it they do to be able to hold the conversation so well. It turns out awkward when I try to do it. I'm out of space.

[MarkJT]

Hey Dyllan, you have a bit going on here but I think before we tackle any of this, i would like to know if you have been diagnosed with anything? It would be really helpful to those that read you post, if we knew what we were dealing with.

If you have not been diagnosed with anything, I would love for you to get to your GP and have a discussion. This may involve a referral to a psych which is okay as they are the experts in the area.

Your numbness does sound familiar to me as I used to dissociate and it is a horrible place to live. Some people actually like dissociating which i cannot understand!

Please get to the GP and then post back what the results are so we can then work on how to get you moving forward.

One thing i can assure you is that you are not alone in your journey.

Mark.