Skeptical about life (I feel crazy) because of people

[Guest_9546]

I feel sceptical about life. I think this comes from events prior to this year. I am feeling anxious about life and am thinking very negatively everyday. If raised to school councillor, I don’t think it would help because I feel that they can be ignorant at times

When I was younger, my older brother was very abusive. He bullied me, insulted me and sometimes hit me. He was a gaming addict and his addiction to games was so strong that the very moment my parents stopped him from playing games (through cutting off the internet or disrupting him when playing games) he’d vent out in rage towards my parents. He’s moved out but I still hate him. Whenever he comes to eat lunch or something at my house (where I live with my mum) I usually try to avoid him because I don’t want to see him. I feel too traumatised from his actions in the past.

We also have this neighbour with a bad attitude (we suppose she has a mental disorder of some sort) who would get into regular arguments over minor neighbourhood issues (and wouldn’t behave herself in the appropriate code of conduct). Instead she’d lash out in rage to people and start swearing at them and yelling at them. This has happened with my parents and her for a number of years however it’s not just she gets into arguments with, she gets into arguments with others in the neighbourhood. She is quite rude and think shes polite when in reality she’s not

I feel stressed everyday (mainly because of school factors). If I tried to tell my mum I was stressed or something all she’d say is to stop being stressed, don’t be upset, etc but I don’t think she understands what these feelings are and thinks they are something I can control. She has a very unusual mindset. I have tried to go to the dentist in the past and all she says is “it’s a waste of time”, “don’t waste the government’s money”, “brush your teeth and you’ll be fine”, etc. She also has this strange mindset and would usually think of death. I remember asking her “would you feel sad at someone’s funeral because their life has been taken” and I remember her saying “you should be happy because they don’t have to feel pain any longer”. I feel crazy living with her.

I am also very sensitive to jokes. Most of the time people have banter (for the fun of things) but sometimes when they involve me in that banter, I get offended and get so upset that I end up thinking about it for the rest of the day and night

I feel that this has ruined my life. I would appreciate help

[Starwolf]

A warm welcome to you, Tenebrosity.

Kudos for reaching out. Acknowledging there's something wrong and that we need help takes courage. It sounds like you have been traumatized by past bullying. It also appears that your mother has her own issues and cannot be relied on for support. It doesn't mean she doesn't care, just that she has no idea how to.

Past trauma (any form of abuse for example) takes a toll on our inner world. It determines how we react to others later. It is hard to regain confidence when we have been at the receiving end of people's negative attitude. I get where you're at. I too suffered a childhood of emotional and physical abuse. I ended up with PTSD and the anxiety/depression that goes with it. As children, we are helpless, sometimes dependent on those who should help but don't/can't. A scary position to be in.

As we grow, we can take matters in our own hands and do what we can towards healing. Why not give your school counselor a go ? You won't know what to expect until you try. Lack of trust can be misleading and stop us from seeking valuable help. You may be positively surprised.

I'd suggest you do the K10 test (top left of this page in the Facts section). It will help you figure what it is you are up against. If you are over 16, you don't need your parents' permission to book a GP appointment. Mental/emotional conditions are medical conditions.They should be regarded and treated as such. If left unattended, they can snowball into bigger trouble and infiltrate every area of Life.

You are under a lot of stress and deserve to take good care of yourself. With the right help and support, it can and will get better. It doesn't have to ruin your life but you may have to be proactive towards recovery. Any family member or friend who could understand and perhaps go along with you to a doctor's apt ?

Headspace is a great org, specialized in young people's problems. Copying this link into your browser will access helpful info : https://headspace.org.au/

Meanwhile, there are great connections to be made in the Young people section of the forums as well. This is a safe, supportive space to navigate. Please do not hesitate to make it yours...you will be heard.

[Guest_9546]

Thank you Starwolf 🙂

I am also skeptical about life because of the following. Ever since I was like 6 or something, my grandma came over and had beer at our house. I was naiive and decided to drink it (I think I drank a lot, I do not remember). I have been extremely skeptical that it has decreased my intelligent and as a result have hated my grandma for what she did (please note my parents are of a migrant background but I was born here. They probably don't live up to Australian cultural values but listen to migrant cultural values or perhaps both?)

I have also had negative thoughts because of an incident that happened in primary school. A kid fell down (I think) and he was bleeding intensely (in a "scary way"), crying in agony "ow, ow, ow". A lot of people saw the incident. I have had nightmares ever since that incident and have been worried about it happening to me. Sometimes I think about it from out of nowhere and can actually visualise what happened

When I was 6? (I don't remember how old I was) I was having hallucinations (I don't believe they were ghosts although I do believe in ghosts. I'm 99% sure they were hallucinations). I was sleeping in the same bedroom as my mum and remember seeing some headless creature thing climbing on top of my wardrobe. I then looked to my curtians and I could see roses moving (my bedroom curtain has roses). I was about to wake my mum up and tell her what I saw but she was sleeping (It was like 5-6am in the morning). Like about 30 minutes later they just disappeared and I never saw anything "paranormal" every since

I honestly don't understand why people care for my older brother. His behaviour is bad yet my Aunts and Uncles still care for him (he shows the same respect back but he never did to my family). Once his behaviour was so violent (he was angry and started chucking things inside his bedroom and broke a glass window), my mum couldn't do anything about him (my dad wasn't at home at the time) so she decided to call the police. His gaming addiction is so bad that when my dad called him to help him out such as storing electrical equipments, he'd often yell at me and force me to help my dad out. When I played some computer games, he'd interfere and force me to do things I wouldn't then start calling me "unko" and hit me even when I did nothing. My dad would angry and me and him (he thought I was a contributing factor).

He often threatened to hit me. Now he seems to change but I still hate him for what he did

[Starwolf]

It sounds like a few incidents during your childhood have had a deep impact on you. Perhaps you are more sensitive than average so perceive those things more acutely. Though being sensitive has its advantages too.

Most young people experiment with alcohol at some stage. I don't think an isolated binge (even at a young age) would affect your intelligence. What kills brain cells is usually abuse over a long period of time.

I'm sorry you were bullied by your brother. He seems to have his own personal difficulties and has been projecting them onto you, which is unfair. This can leave deep emotional scars (like affecting your self-image and self- confidence).

So please take care of yourself and consider a few options I mentioned in my first post. You have been struggling with issues that are having a negative effect on your lifestyle and peace of mind. There's no need to continue to do so alone. Help is available. Reaching out is not easy but you have already made a good start by talking to us. Perhaps you could copy what you have written here and hand it over to your school counselor. It may be less daunting than a face to face conversation.

[Guest_9546]

And whenever my brother's overseas, I feel elated because I don't see him. Last time we was overseas he bought me a souvenir but I didn't want it because I hated him and still do. He used to always hit me in the head calling me stupid (and I have also become skeptical on the fact that it decreased my intelligence). When my mum disciplined him, he'd get angry and either start yelling or even hit her
I agree, he has this crazy ideology which cannot be solved. Even my brother (and I) call her crazy because her thought process isn't normal, she calls us crazy and thinks her ideology is right.
My school counciller would say "your HSC is in 2 months" don't worry about that right now, focus on your learning. Worry about it after your HSC"
My dad is probably the only person that I could get along with however he's working 7 days a week. Sometimes my dad and mum don't get along either. He works hard for the family and my mum doesn't seem to care, she's always nagging him to do something like "please fix this problem", "please do this", etc and my dad gets upset because he thinks she doesn't care and he needs a break from "overworking" (and I'm quite surprised their still married. I thought they would've divorced ages ago because of my mum's attitude and the fact that my brother and I don't get along).
Her ideology is like this: Someone passes away, you should be happy for them because they never feel pain. When people pass away, others mourn the loss of the deceased, even strangers (because a majority of humanity is empathetic), why would you be happy? How can the deceased enjoy life more?
When I'm sick (not heavily) or am injured, she'd say lucky you're alive because tomorrow you could've been dead. I'm thinking how on earth is a minor injury going to make one die? If someone falls over and their knee starts bleeding how will that make you die
She even questions her own existence of life, she says when I'm 75 I'm happy because I don't want to be like your grandma, feeling pain because of her age and having a hard time walking.
I just wish she never had this thought process, her thought process is making me feel crazy. I want to try to tell her she needs help but doesn't agree with me. I want to help her but she doesn't want to listen, mainly because she's ignorant about her mental health. My brother agrees and I think she thinks like this is because of religion (which I don't want to follow because of bias and the fact that there are still bad people out there)

[Starwolf]

One thing that kept me going and focused on my studies (just enough to pass the French equivalent of the Aussie HSC) was that it would then allow me to leave a toxic environment. What are your post HSC plans ?

Whatever they are, the sooner you can find different living arrangements, the better you will feel.

Your mother sounds trapped in her own warped world. But that's HER world. Learning not to become engaged in someone else's issues is a sharp learning curve, particularly when you must live under the same roof. Moving out of her sphere of influence will help set you free. Then you can surround yourself with people you choose, not those you are stuck with.

Patience doesn't come easy when we are dependent on troubled people. Sometimes there's just no alternative and hanging in there is all we can do. But there are ways to shield yourself from emotional pressure. That's when counseling can help...and why I suggested Headspace.

My thoughts are with you.

[Guest_9546]

Hi Starwolf

My sincerest apologies for not replying in 2 weeks. I ended up getting sidetracked and completely forgot about this

Currently my post HSC plans are to get work experience because I didn’t do it back in high school (which I deeply regret).

I will plan to move out from my mum and live back with my dad (although I may visit my mum occasionally).

Thanks for the suggestion of headspace. I do not think I will have the time to find out more about headspace as I need to focus on studying.

Also I’ve had this strange habit of talking to myself all the time, everyday. I don’t know why I do this but perhaps it makes me express my thoughts better since my mind is usually filled with negativity? People have called me “crazy” for doing so and I will admit I am “crazy”

I’ve also had bad experiences in high school, not just students but teachers even though I don’t misbehave. I also do not like high school because of the fact that you are mostly forced by teachers to do things you don’t want to do (such as sport). I am quite glad that this is the last week of high school and I will be leaving high school and hope to never come back nor relive events from high school. Most of the bad high school memories involved getting banter bullied at times. Usually I don’t tell anyone because I feel guilty for reporting them in. I just hope that in uni (and workplace) no one will have that attitude to me.

I had a friend who flicked me in the ear a couple of years ago (I think she did it as a joke). It hurt and I got angered at her. She knew I hated her but took it as a joke and spent one whole year annoying me (that was yr 10. She flicked my ear at end of yr 9). If I told her politely to stop she wouldn’t but instead carry on and even if I lashed out in rage while blurting profanity to her, she still would carry on. Even though she did nothing ever since the end of yr 10, I still feel mentally affected at times. Whenever I see her, I am reminded of the pain and trouble she caused me and sometimes I am mentally reliving those bad moments with her and am flicking my own ear to get that mental feeling out of my head. Thankfully this is the last week of high school and I do not think I will ever see her again

I just hope that in the future (when I’m in uni) I am able to keep myself super busy so that I can erase all the bad memories of high school and replace them with new ones. I hope to never see my brother as often as well

[Guest_9546]

Also another piece of trauma that I just remembered today. At school I saw some crows/ravens (honestly I can't tell the difference between a crow and a raven) feeding on a dead ibis. This actually triggered my fear of seeing dead birds because whenever I am out somewhere and I see dead birds or dead domestic animals of some sort on the street, I scream in fear and start running. I think it was because when I was 5 I stepped on a dead bird by accident. I cannot forget that gruesome memory and I am scared of seeing deceased animals on the street

Another reason as to why I am skeptical about life is because I have had this habit at laughing at things continuously, even when they're from the past. A memory of this would be for example a joke that was told to me a couple of years ago. Even now I am remembering that joke and continuously laughing and people think I'm crazy or have some sort of mental disorder because I am laughing at nothing. Usually people don't laugh at past memories. I will admit I do laugh at nothing at times as well which is considered strange

I'm so skeptical about life to the point where I regret all the bad stuff I did in the past and wished that there was a time machine which could take me back in time to fix up all those errors of the past so then I wouldn't end up thinking negatively about this sort of stuff

Any advice before seeing a psychologist? I think I may be suffering from a range of mental illnesses (I've done online tests and they have said I've been suffering mentally) such as PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and OCD, like is it actually normal to be suffering from 4 different mental illnesses? I know 2 may seem common but is 4? I'm not saying I am suffering from 4 separate mental conditions but I would like to know if it is possible

[Hope_for_the_best]

I get to know more about your life from this thread. My apologies if I made some suggestions that upset you in your HSC thread. You have been/are going through a lot of things and a psychologist is definitely the best person to talk to. Consider going to a clinical psychologist because he/she received extensive training on psychology and counselling. Your school counsellor may not have sufficient training in dealing with life traumas, so you may find her not so helpful. If you need someone to talk to while waiting for a psychologist, consider calling some helplines like the Headspace and Kids Helpline. I called the Kids Helpline before and the counsellor was very patient and listened to me non-judgmentally. She did not ask me to get over things myself or focus on my studies but not other things etc.

Mental illnesses often coexist so it is possible to have 4 at the same time. I would suggest that you don't worry about what you have until you see your GP tomorrow.

[Guest_9546]

Nah this is a separate topic to the HSC thread-it's about issues outside the context of schooling/HSC and dont worry you didn't offend me at all

But thank you anyways