scared-alone-sad-confused

MorganNicole1121 · ‎10-01-2014

I am a 16 year old female at school and I have just recently noticed some changes within myself. I grew up as a happy, loud and bubbly person, but in the past few months I don't really know myself much anymore. Throughout 2013 I have felt so alone and frustrated with life. I have been struggling with my older sister very badly battling Anorexia for the last 2 years and its not improving! just seeing her fading away and slowly dying in front of my eyes is slowly killing me and my family on the inside. Not only that but I have been going through bad bullying at school for the last 3 years (which is why ive finally moved for 2014). I was told how ugly, useless, worthless etc. I was and I lost all of my friends leaving me with only 3 friends at school. I was bullied at my sporting, school and mostly online and I couldn't get away from it. I used to use my home life to get away from all the bullying but having to deal with anorexia nervosa (I think that's how its spelt) at home its like im living in a hell.
I have spoken to my mum once when she noticed that I had been harming myself but im scared to bring up any further advice because I don't want to seem like a freak,

I have been struggling with being happy, I have days when im so happy and just out of the blue within less than an hour sometimes id randomly become depressed and want to sit in my room in the dark under the covers. I an finding it difficult to find my sport (dancing) fun as I just feel so tired and run down that I just don't feel up to it. I don't even feel like getting out of bed some days because I feel so empty in life. my mum is finding it difficult to deal with things at the moment as shes struggling with my sister with her anorexia and shes already said she cant handle me being moody grumpy and rude to her, but to be honest I cant help it sometimes I feel so angry that I could scream and then I just want to cry. and that makes me feel so alone, I don't like talking to anyone about this apart from my bestfriend but I don't like talking to anyone else because it makes me feel like they think im wanting attention or just over reacting.

I have 2 older sisters with depression and my mum has anxiety and depression so I know talking to them would be good but I don't want to seem silly. 😞

the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I do have thoughts about if people would care if I didn't wake up one morning, and if I just disappeared one day because I just hate who I am and everything about myself. 😞

I would just like to know whats happening to me and what do I do 😞

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

MorganNicole1121 · ‎22-01-2014

Hi everyone

im so sorry it's been a while for me to respond to you. I haven't been coping well at all and I just couldn't get the calm time to respond to you!

Ive be been struggling with self harm again as I've become very obsessed and I'm trying to stop, I just feel so angry and miserable that it's the only way to make me feel better, and it used to hurt and I hated it but now I like the feeling of it stinging as it gives me a feeling of relief inside.

My family is aware of this but they don't know how good it makes me feel! It concerns me that I like it but I just can't stop anymore it's like a part of my daily routine

i would like if anyone could help me find a better and safer way on taking my self hate and aggression out on something else 😞

your help would be appreciated

'beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.'

beyondblue_Online_Communi · ‎22-01-2014

Hi MorganNicole1121, Thanks for providing us with an update on how you’re going and reaching out for some support on the forum. We’re sorry to hear things haven’t been going so well in relation to self harm. We’re not sure if you have been able to make it to your GP yet since your conversation with your sister but we think it would be really important that you seek some professional support. Self-harming can be a potentially dangerous way of coping. While others on the forum may be able to provide you with some alternative and safer ideas, a regular treating team will be able to help you work out a plan that’s really specific to you. They will be able to get to know a bit more about you, like your background, your personality, your family, your strengths and interests etc. This can all help you to think about what some of your triggers are and what need your self-harming is meeting for you at the moment. This will help to develop an individualised plan, build up some more positive coping strategies and also provide you with some extra support in addition to the forum when you feel you are not coping. Please also feel free to contact the beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 if you think it would be helpful to talk things through with someone first. Thanks again for your post and please let us know how you go.

Neil_1 · ‎22-01-2014

Hi Morgan

It’s great to hear from you again, but it’s not so good to hear how you’ve been. I’m really concerned for you for how you’ve been hurting yourself of late. BB have responded with an excellent post … I really hope that you can follow up SOON (or even now) with the advice that they suggested you seek out professional help.

Morgan it is troubling to hear just how you feel when you do this to yourself. This path you’re heading down is not good … and we’ve got to try and get you out of this routine.

Please please can you get your Mum to take you to the GP? This is a priority. As BB have suggested they will be able to give you strategies and coping mechanisms to put into place whenever you feel these urges come to you.

Do you have a bike? Perhaps you could take yourself for a long ride … and make it tough … take in some hills and really punish yourself that way. It’ll not only help as a release, but it’ll also get you really fit as well. If you don’t have a bike, what about running … and likewise, take in some hills on your run … it’s damn tough to do, but it sure beats the hell out of self harming yourself.

Just two quick suggestions Morgan … I hope others might have some other suggestions as well.

Please stay close to the forum and get back to us with how you’re going; I hope you can commence to turn things around, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

Kind regards

Neil

MorganNicole1121 · ‎05-05-2014

Hi everyone

boy has it been a while and hasn't it been a journey for me.

About a month ago I finally got my mum to take me to my GP after experience suicide isdeation and I realised that what I've been doing to myself is not natural

I was diagnosed with quite a high case of depression (as guessed) and anxiety along with something called an adjustment disorder which I'm not quite sure what that is

I've just started seeing a Psycolagist and were working on getting me back to my happy healthy self again

and when it comes to my sister, sadly she is further away from recovery now than she's ever been so it's become quite difficult for me to handle - hense why I've gotten into such a bad state.

I I have now lost everyone I love including a boy I most recently admitted to myself/him and my family that I was in love which I truly was until I was cheated on which did not help any situation at all

my supposedly bestfriend has turned her back on me but luckily I've still got my bestfriend who is basically my sister were that close

my head space has become quite dark and empty

I'm looking for advice

Neil_1 · ‎05-05-2014

Hi Morgan

Well, I was going to say, great to hear from you again – but I guess it’s actually not so great – because you have posted here. So things are obviously not so good for you at this time.

That is so good that you’ve been able to get your mum involved and that you are now in the process of seeing a psychologist – that is pleasing to read. How do you feel you’re going with this – with your psychologist? Did you feel that there are some positives happening in those sessions?

Morgan it can take some time to work through issues – just something for you to realise.

It’s disappointing to here that in this last period of time, you’ve lost your best friend and your boyfriend – and yes, I can see how having both of them not be there for you anymore would be a large hole in your life and leave you feeling quite ‘alone’.

Mind you, it is pleasing to read that your sister is there for you.

I’m sorry that perhaps this note hasn’t provided you with too much advice, but I just really wanted to write to you to say, “Hi” again and to let you know that we’re still out there in Beyond Blue land. 🙂

Kind regards

Neil

Mares73 · ‎05-05-2014

Dearest Morgan, it has been a while & it's so great to hear from you-even though I wish things were a whole lot better. It's great you finally got to the Dr & no surprise that your symptoms were diagnosed as anxiety & depression. I have heard of "adjustment disorder" & from memory it is basically an extension of depression or a fancy term for many of the similar symtoms of depression. It's used as a word when someone is not coping with changes or stressful events in their lives & are struggling to cope. It's pretty much the same as depression symptoms such as loss of interest in life, feelings of hopelessness etc. The difference between it & depression is that adjustment disorder is caused by a situation or event that you struggle to deal with whereas depression can be brought on by many things & there doesnt necessarily have to be a "cause" for it-it can strike anyone. Because adjustment disorder IS caused by a stressful event or situation-it usually solves itself once you adapt or learn to deal with the stressful event or changes in your life that you are finding it hard to adjust to. One example could be your sisters anorexia-that is something very stressful to cope with but it doesn't necessarily cause an episode of depression-you already had depression -what your struggling to adjust to is the extreme stress of watching your sister deteriorate. You may also be struggling to adjust to other stressful events in your life but the medical reasoning is that once you accept & adjust to the stress or in your life-you will no longer have it. To be honest Morgan-given what you have shared with us-i think "adjustment disorder" is a fancy term for having acute depression which is being made worse by what's happening in your life. I think those things would be hard for anyone to live with & experience-very stressful events & your only 16. So yes its understandable you have depression & haven't had much support until you saw the Dr. You are trying to cope with school, bullying, your sisters anorexia & each family member having some for of mental illness. That's way too much to cope with yet you really are amazing in how you've managed to survive to date. The self harming is concerning & in many ways understandable. You are sadly hurting yourself because your overwhelmed with pain. Did the Dr put you on antidepressants? I hope so because you need all the support you can get. I'm sorry to hear about the relationship with one of your best friends & the loss of your boyfriend but I'm really glad you have another best friend that you feel very close to. How are you feeling in general day to day at the moment-are you completely overwhelmed or is the medication & counseling helping? Me & I'm sure others want to support you in the ways you need most. Do you think you could sit down & list in a rough order the issues on your mind, the fears & worries, the things that are upsetting you or on your mind the most? It might help to get them out of your mind & if you feel able to you could list things here & then we can support & advise & hopefully help you with some of those things? Times like this I find it hard that I can only write to you when I'd really like to provide you with a safe hAven, take care of you & be by your side to listen & to treat you special by even little things like spoiling you with treats. I really wish I was there with you. Morgan you are an incredible young woman. My heart goes out to you. Hope to hear from you soon. Lve Mares xxx

MorganNicole1121 · ‎06-06-2014

Hi again

I'm sorry I didn't reply my phone did something funny and it didn't send and it was too long to re-write.

Ive was a little better until 3 days ago when my ex told this guy I was seeing to not worry with me because I'm messed up and crazy.

This caused me to want to be alone which made me think. Go back to old bad habits. I am really struggling now I've been taking sleeping pills every night to help me sleep and that's good so I'm sleeping atleast but I'm just over being the way I am.

I am fat ugly and not worth anyone's or my own time. Im not sure how much more of this I can take. I've been fine around my family as they don't need to be worrying about me they just need to be worrying about my sister that's sick and is fading very fast.

Help me guys

Morgan x

Neil_1 · ‎06-06-2014

Dear Morgan

What an absolute douche bag that ex of yours is. Thankfully he IS an ex. Boy that makes me mad when I hear of those things. We actually had a new poster say something similar in one of his threads just this week - in that, how angry it makes him when stupid people say stupid things. But I guess they go hand in hand with each other.

I know it's hard, but push that back to the ends of your mind - we don't need to be bothered with idiot people like that.

Ohhhhhh - do you mean with old bad habits, that you're possibly doing the self-harm thing again? There'll be a few of us who'll come to this post and I hope between us we can do our best to help you as much as we can out of this.

Ok, so the sleeping tablets are "good" for you in that you're getting yourself to sleep - just please be careful, please Morgan?!?! Sleeping tablets = Dr's visit, yes? Are you seeing a GP reasonably regularly?

Have they referred you on for any further appointments - like psychologist, etc?

Have they prescribed any meds (apart from the one you already mentioned) to assist you?

You ARE definitely worth worrying about - we are very concerned for you Morgan. I'm telling you that straight from the heart.

I'm really pleased that you've come back here.

We're here for you.

I'll send this off to you now, so you know we've got you in our 'collective arms' already.

Neil

MorganNicole1121 · ‎10-06-2014

Hey Neil

yeah I've stayed well away from him now. I've realised I don't need him to make me happy as he is just causing more troubles.

I haven't seen the doctor in a while and I've some appts with a Psycolagist but I haven't had the chance to make another one - i need to make another one though

ive thought about self harm but I don't want to deal with scarring issues like I have afterwards. Just the dark thoughts about 'what if I wasn't around' - 'would anyone care' etc.

Thank you for responding

Neil_1 · ‎11-06-2014

Hi there Morgan

Great to hear back from you.

That first sentence from your latest post was so encouraging – and the confidence you displayed was awesome. Well done. 🙂

Ok, couple of things here – the self-harming is a concern and the psychologist appointments should be sought and booked up “very” soon.

You know, back when I was in a super bad place – I would think at night time of my funeral. This is a bit morbid but it proved a point to me. I would envisage that I was up high, looking down on the scene – and I would also then go and count the numbers of people there - who they were, where I had interacted with them during my life; and I would watch how I believe they would act. That was something very powerful to do – I was honest with myself and I just thought – “No, you can’t do this”. Look at the numbers of people – look how upset they are now, but then that devastation would last with them forever.

That previous para was based on the words that you wrote in quotes in your previous post. People WOULD care – more than you know.

So for the next little while Morgan, it would be really awesome for you to pick up that phone and make an appointment with the psychologist – and sooner rather than later – I say this because for the first appointment it can take time to get in.

I hope there’s been something in this post that’s helped you.

Kind regards

Neil