Relationship breakdown because of my Depression and Anxiety

BlueBerries · ‎03-11-2017

Hi all,

This is my first attempt at using an online forum. I'm here because I am in a precious relationship that is breaking down because of my incapacity to perceive any worth in myself. I am a very insecure and very lonely person in spite of my caring and wonderful boyfriend. He is not always the best at making decisions or understanding my mental position, but I suppose the point is that he tries his hardest. But over time I am becoming increasingly stressful to be with, because I have grown a toxic insecurity because of my self-perceived worthlessness and ugliness. I have never felt beautiful, or wanted, and I project this onto my boyfriend by blaming him for not making me feel this way in our relationship. I have caused him to be nervous around any attractive woman, and I have been developing a shameful habit of needing to check browser history and messages. I refused to meet his manager just because she was female and I'm afraid that he will realise how much better basically any other woman is than me.

I feel loneliness and ugliness entrenched into my very soul. I cry all the time, and have episodes of chronic suffering and anger. I have been going through a year of therapy and I am on anti-depressants, but those days that put me under always pull me to the very bottom.

I know you can't really gather too much from what I have described but I am desperate for someone who understands to please reassure me that this torture isn't permanent and that there's a possibility that my beautiful relationship survives this. I would love to hear from someone who has experienced this but survived and had their relationship recover. I'd appreciate any advice to get past this insecurity and learn to trust again.

Thank you so very much.

Keira · ‎03-11-2017

Hi BlueBerries. Your situation sounds alot like mine used to be. I dont feel beautiful or wanted. I have very bad insecurity and am still getting over my depression. I had a boyfriend and lost him because of my fear that he would leave. But he didn't. I did because I didn't think it was fair on him. I'm not saying that you have to do this because he should love you for who you are but you must understand that relationships are a give and take. He can only make you feel the way you want if you show him the same affection. I know its hard but you need to stop worrying about what will happen. You don't need anyone to tell you that your beautiful. Real people only care about what's on the inside. People who only care about looks are fake. If he doesn't take you for you then he isn't worth it. Everything happens for a reason you know. This struggle is just preparing you for the future. It's making you stronger. If he is meant to be with you he will understand. Just talk to him and make things right. Tell him how you feel. You shouldn't have to apologise for your feelings because they are totally natural but just make sure he knows you don't want to hurt him. I hope this helped. Good luck.

Croix · ‎04-11-2017

Dear BlueBerries~

Like Keira I'd like to welcome you here and straight off will set your mind more at rest. Things can improve greatly, and a relationship that is meant to be will survive all sorts of troubles. Part of a partnership is giving, it is what happens, so if your bf loves you and has to make allowances and cherish you, that's fine. I'm sure in time you will have the opportunity to return the compliment yourself.

How you feel is not something he can totally cure. He can ensure that he shows his care and treats you with common sense and consideration. I'd expect for example if you have explained why you did not want to meet his manger he would at least partly understand.

All your symptoms seem to be like those of so many with an anxiety condition (I have one myself) and can in time be reduced a whole lot. I'm maybe not 100%, but I am in a pretty good place and live a basically happy life.

I guess it is a roller-coaster with bleak periods. The trick is I guess to make those periods less frequent and less deep. Meds and therapy do play a big part, and it may be time for them to be reviewed to see if the current regime needs altering. This is a quite normal thing, most people find this.

Lifestyle to minimize stress and triggers is another big element in improvement. I found that firstly avoiding unnecessary situations where I knew I was going to become more anxious was vital. There were some people I did not see, some things - even innocent ones like the news - I was better for leaving alone.

Life took on more exercise, attention to nutrition and attempts at healthy sleep. Structure - and in my case occupation - lead to a more balanced state. Interaction with people when comfortable helped too.

When I was in the midst of great anxiety I'd try to deal with it my something involving change and exercise -a walk in my case. If not then then distraction - a book or movie -or if all else fails a smartphone app called Smiling Mind (effective but takes practice)

Also highly important is regular distraction and self-reward. Doing something enjoyable every day, something to take the mind away from everyday life, something to look forward to. This only breaks an anxiety cycle but over time makes one feel better about oneself.

I'm sure you can get to a much better life, would you like to keep talking here?

Croix

Jkay · ‎04-11-2017

Hi,.. First time on this forum..

However I can relate I started to do that to a guy I was recently dating in the first part of hr the relationship I couldn't understand what he saw in me.... When he was always hastily to reply with some positive feedback on me but still didn't feel like he truly liked me.. He would use his daughters mum whom he didn't like as apart of all our conversations to which would annoy me and I thought I would help him with moving on from his hatred towards her.. But only got worse.... I hope that you like me can move forward from feeling unloved as such and feel that you feel more positive about yourself.. As I recently had mine blocked me from me telling him the truth about our whole relationship situation to which he said pretty much see ya... He recently also lost his mum and he was the youngest boy of his siblings too which he pushed me away when I tried to reach out to him... Feeling of lost.. ..

BlueBerries · ‎05-11-2017

Hi Keira,

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me, I'm sorry that it has taken so long to get back to you. Thank you for your reassurance and reminding me of the importance of maintaining focus on the real things in life and not all the superficial things that a lot of things in society endorse.

I often have periods where I am doing well at maintaining this kind of awareness but small things are a trigger. I have a complex about not being womanly enough, and find that I don't exactly fit in any beauty ideal. I have been struggling with my personal identity as such for a few years now and haven't yet found any way to secure myself. Of course communication in relationships is often the key, however there is a limit to the effectiveness of communication especially when the rest is left up to me.

Did you find a particular technique that eventually aided in some sort of control over your feelings of insecurity?

I hope you have managed to find happiness now. Of course it can still be a struggle but I do hope you have found some level of peace.

Thank you so much again for your response.

BlueBerries · ‎05-11-2017

Dear Croix,

Thank you as well for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It was very helpful to read some of the methods that seemed to have helped you in dealing with your anxiety. I am happy that you have found some level of peace in your everyday life.

I have definitely found that staying away from the news is an important thing for me, however the more peaceful hobbies like reading I seem to struggle with as I rarely find myself capable of focusing on these things anymore. I did used to be an avid reader though.

I have been trying to work on a more effective structure in my life, I work casually and study at university. Unfortunately I have also developed a fairly severe social anxiety which has made it very difficult to do other things though and I haven't yet found a way around these things. It has taken me a very long time to be able to have a coffee by myself, for example.

What would you say has been one of the most effective ways that you have distanced yourself from your anxiety by?

Although my response is short I would like you to know that I have deeply considered the things you have said. When I try to think of ways to, say, live a less stressful life I usually end up stressing about the money involved or the people I will have to interact with in order to achieve that! It seems to take a lot of energy to consider things objectively, especially when coupled with the negative tendencies of depressive cognition.

If you have any other such advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so very much.

BlueBerries · ‎05-11-2017

Hi Jkay,

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles that you have experienced in your relationship. It sounds like your partner may have been struggling himself with a few things. How are you feeling now? Do you feel better about yourself and the way you relate to others? If so what are some of the things that you think may have helped you along the way?

Hugs xx

Croix · ‎05-11-2017

Dear BlueBerries~

Thanks for your reply, I guess I've covered most of what I use, though you will probably find reading the following thread - which is long - very useful, I did.

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

The one thing that really stands out to break a highly anxious period is Smiling Mind, which can also be used regularly to help bring down 'background' stress.

Earlier on my concentration was such I was not able to read as I had in the past. I used before to be a very great reader - as I am now. I was able to find relief in simple adolescent fantasy books, where concentration was not required to the same extent. I also used ones that were full of puns and other wordplay, so each page was interesting in more ways than one.

I suppose to have a coffee by oneself one might be 'busy' with smartphone or book and sit in an unexposed position.

I guess a lot is trail and error, each person needs to find things that help them, though that link above has an awful lot in it.

Croix

Keira · ‎13-11-2017

Hi blueberries, I'm glad I made a difference.

It is very difficult to deal with insecurity. Especially in the time we are living in. I also get bothered by the smaller things. I over think everything until I don't know how to feel. Over time I just told myself that I am who I am and that's it. I'm not going to change myself just for fake people to care about me. If I end up alone for the rest of my life then fine. Its the right choice if it means that I'm being myself. Of course that wont happen to you. I'm sure there are lots of people who care about you, you just have to stop worrying about what other people think. I hope this helped x