Relationship anxiety

[tassiehiker]

so this might sound a little bit weird coming from a bloke, but im 28 years old and im dating someone who is 32 and has a 12 year old son. everything has been going super well of late, nearly no drama, but im having really bad anxiety, when she doesn't reply, sees my text messages but shes on Facebook. the other night i tried to open up to her and tell her how i was feeling about everything and how much i liked her and she shut me out! didn't talk to the whole drive home, and then she didnt text for a day! and then when she did talk it was all my fault! its someone that i feel so close to! someone i feel a future with! but if shes not going to open up and block me out when i let here know how i feel how can we move forward and be closer?

[Croix]

Dear Tassiehiker~

I don't think this is the slightest bit weird and think you are being sensible in getting other's views. It is a most upsetting situation.

I'd like to offer a couple of thoughts.

The first is abut your GF, who has been raising a son since she was around 20, and while you don't say so outright must have been in a relationship that ended somewhere along the line, leaving her a single mum, and with the possibility that she feels uncomfortable starting a new one.

If it had ended badly then trust both of any prospective partner - and herself- is going to be hard for her (and probably for her son too).

Add to that the fact any new partner would have to get on well with her son and you can see it might be a real can of worms.

OK, the other thing of course is that for any successful relationship to work - and last- there has to be affection, trust and understanding between the people involved, a desire to smooth their path and look after them. This understanding does not happen on its own, it needs talk. You have to be able to sort out everything - from money to health, plus feelings.

I guess if it was me I'd see if there was any way to get talking with her, and in the process try to find out her feelings and worries, she already has an idea of yours.

What do you think?

Croix.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A good analogy by Criox about her single mum life. Fear could be a factor.

I understand. My own experience with my ex wife that regularly went silent and ultimately caused the destruction of our marriage makes me paranoid about it.

Although your gf isnt near as bad as my ex, (mine went up to 6 weeks silent) it is still something that must be sorted. But try not to be angry.

Google-

beyondblue Topic relationship strife? The peace pipe

Also relationship counseling would be good.

TonyWK

[tassiehiker]

she has been threw hell with her 2 ex partners, and i can understand that, but when i needed her the most she wasn't there. she doesn't understand why you have to open up and talk about feelings? she bottles everything up. shes also used to going and hitting the drugs very hard with her friends. now she hasnt done that since we have been together and that is a good thing. but im afraid that )drugs) were the way she could open up and i feel like if she doesn't have them is she gonna go out one day and just explode? and with her ex partners they all treated her like shit and im not like that at all, the old saying treat them mean keep them keen. and i get so sick with anxiety over all this stuff.

[Croix]

Dear Tassiehiker~

Thank you for making things clearer. After 2 bad relationships a person may well find it very hard to trust another partner. As for drugs, it's not to going to help and can create a distorted view of things as well as mood swings. It's good she has stopped after meeting you, that's an encouraging sign.

I guess it is a matter of patience - provided the toll on you does not become too great. It's not going to be easy to see if you have already got as close as you can, or if in time her attitude will change.

You have needs, and being emotionally cared for is essential. Putting that to one side might be OK short term, but in the longer term you too may start to feel hopeless or resentful.

If she was a heavy user I would suggest she gets some professional help, by stopping for the moment she has made a big advance and it would be a pity for it to be wasted if due to pressure or some other reason she resumed taking them.

Not an easy time for you, please let us know how you are going

Croix

[tassiehiker]

thats ok mate, i can put it away for a little bit but im someone who needs to feel like they are loved|? without sounding weird or weak. and im normally someone who does have the patience to work threw things, but when u care so much about someone and they dont show much or any appreciation back its pretty hard to deal with. but im sure only time will tell. iv lost mates to addcition, and family aswell and i hate drugs! and im scared that when she does go out she will do it, coz she feels the pressure from other people todo. she says that she does miss the feeling off it at times. and now im thinking is that how she expressed her self and maybe thats the only way she can?

[Croix]

Dear Tassiehiker~

While she may have felt drugs gave her something in her old circumstances things have changed, she has you, even if distancing herself at the moment, so maybe the same things that made her seek out drugs are no longer as urgent or pressing.

While you can't really stop other people trying to persuade her your own presence if reliable, cheerful, interesting and caring may be more attractive.

What does her son think?

Croix