Primarily Obsessional OCD

[chap10]

I'm a 22 year old man who has just been diagnosed with primarily obsessional OCD and depression. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for a long time and have been to see different doctors (GP's) and psychologists, and have always been told-- depression and anxiety; but after seeing a psychiatrist just three times he has come to this conclusion.

I didn't know whether to post this in the depression forum or here in anxiety; but I figured that-- seeing as though my primary diagnosis was the OCD thing this is probably a more suitable forum.

Basically I feel like I have lost my mind, and that I am a puppet of my brain's faulty chemistry... I feel lost and confused and all of the textbook emotions that one may feel in this circumstance. But really, I just feel numb. I just feel like-- yeah okay there is a fault in my brain's chemistry that is causing me to be stuck in my head 24/7. That is why I'm also what some may call a borderline "alcoholic", which is a fair call I guess-- I do drink a lot. I do it for the escapism and it feels right at the time but it's sad... It's really sad-- and I haven't yet accepted the reality of my situation. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I'm ready to live that life; to put in that work. I guess I just don't know why I should have to... Here I am-- a human being; I didn't ask to be put here, and now I have a brain that is broken and is rebelling against me; so I must take these meds in order to fight back against my brain that wants nothing more than to self-destruct. I guess it's the same scenario for anyone with an illness of any kind, and we're I'm not special.

I don't know how to articulate this... It's new to me. I don't know how this forum works either, my last post seems to have been scrapped. I hope that some of that was coherent and I hope to get to know some of you here.

[ci]

Hi chap10

I am also new to all this meaning beyond blue and newly diagnosed with ocd so I can relate to you and felt like I should reply.

My story is a bit different to yours as I'm in my 30s and mother of 3. But what you said about trying to accept reality and this is now what life is is the place I find myself in as well not a place I ever thought I would be in even though I have Strong family history of mental history didn't think would happen to me. 

Your right does feel like your brain is just trying to self destruct and destroy you and everything you love. And it is so awful no one should have to go through this but unfortunately we are. 

To me numb is normal it's the only way to escape the horrible things my brain is doing to me.

Do you have any support from family and friends? It is a lonely thing to live through and support is so important some people find this illness hard to understand but try to find people who are willing to try and understand it.

Alcohol can be such a lure a sense of escape I  can't allow myself to drink at the moment until get this all under control being a mum I  can't go down that path but the thought of escaping this i wish I could so I completely understand why you would. 

Not sure if any of this helps just felt like I should reply to your post so you can see your not alone.

[Zeal]

Hi Chap,

Welcome to the forum! I am a 22 year old female, and I was diagnosed with clinical OCD at 13. My OCD is based on a fear of germs and illness. I also hand-wash excessively . I have had a phobia of vomit since I was a child, so that is also connected to the OCD. I also saw a psychiatrist, but in my teen years. I don't see a health professional for my OCD anymore - I have learned to manage the condition, due to past help from medical professionals, medication I take to correct my brain's serotonin imbalance, and support from family, friends, and my boyfriend.

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)?  It is considered the most effective treatment for OCD. I tried this over 3 years ago and I wasn't dedicated to the therapy, so I didn't get as much out of it as I could have. It's worth a try - it could be really effective for you.
Like ci said, support from family and friends is vital. I no longer stay in touch with my group of friends from high school, because I became very antisocial over three years ago when I was hospitalised with an eating disorder (an atypical one connected to OCD). Luckily my Parents and Grandparents were a major source of support. My best friend was there too, but I was unintentionally pushing her away emotionally. This year I met a great group of people (my best friend's boyfriend's friends). When we have group catch ups, I see my best friend, friends, and my boyfriend at the same time! I started dating my now boyfriend after about three months of being in the group. My OCD is actually better around him, and he is really supportive.

The point I'm making is that close friends, family, and others can make a huge positive difference to your life, especially when you have a mental illness. While you're in the midst of moderate to severe OCD though, I appreciate that it can be hard to meet with people. If you have an old friend you trust and feel comfortable with, get in touch with them. By the way, I'm sorry about making the assumption that you could be socially withdrawing. If you're not, you're doing very well!

As you probably know, drinking alcohol while on antidepressants or other medication is unsafe. So, if you are taking medication, it's important to get your drinking under control. Make an appointment with your doctor and ask them about strategies you can use to reduce and control your drinking.

I hope something I've said has been helpful.

Best wishes,

SM

[Dwwmills]

It is a bit confronting being diagnosed with something. I
always felt that that was what other people got and I wouldn’t get it myself.
It takes a while to come to terms with. The thought that your particular view
of the world maybe being coloured by the way your brain works is really hard to
come to terms with. I always thought that how I saw the world was how the world
really was. Then if you accept that you’re not thinking clearly you have to at
some point take someone else’s view of the world as being more accurate than
your own. I found this an exceptionally difficult thing to do.

Please don’t look at this as a life sentence. My daughter
had severe contamination OCD when she was younger and she is now completely
symptom-free. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder which I’ve had
on and off the last 40 years. I’ve only really tackled it fully head on and
accepted that I had it in the last 18 months. With a combination of medication
and CBT I too am now off medication and doing well like my daughter. It is hard
work but if you had a knee construction you would have to put a lot of work
into fixing that up as well. CBT has been the backbone of my recovery but
without the medication to stop the racing mind, CBT alone would not have been
as effective.

The good part about putting in the work is that you actually
see results for it. You get used to picking when your mind is off-track. And if
you have a good psychologist they will give you strategies for dealing with it.

Hang in there its early days yet. It will start making some
sense as you get more of the bigger picture.

[Tiia]

Hey Chap10 et al,

I would recommend checking out the International OCD Foundation's, you can google this. A lot of great information and articles that may help understand whats going on. Also there are a few online support groups as well focused specifically for OCD and related disorders.

[chap10]

Hi C, SM and Dwwmills,

Thank you for writing, it's very comforting to know there are people who understand this. I have been like this for years, but it has gradually gotten worse. It took so long to get diagnosed as such because I didn't (and don't) experience the physical compulsions of OCD... Which is weird, it is all mental but it's the same kind of thing-- I get myself in these mental loops that become disturbing confusions and I can't get out of my head enough to function. The psychiatrist called it "the eternal brainteaser", and I have become very depressed because of this. I've just started on new medication that I'm told will help to fix this, much more so than the medication I was taking prior ( I have been on and off antidepressants for a while now).

SM and Dwwmills, you both mention CBT, and I am definitely going to look into that. I'm not sure if there are specialists who do this or if I just have to find a psychologist that does it??

SM you are right in assuming that I have been withdrawing socially, I am finding it very difficult to even hold a conversation, and I do need to reconnect with my friends again-- I will be getting myself out there again. I'm going through a lot of changes, as I need to learn how to be social again without alcohol as well as I have relied on it since adolescence.

I have a lot of work to do and everything just feels really heavy at the moment. Thank you kind people for your support, I'm glad I'm here and will be posting and contributing often.

[Zeal]

Hi again Chap,

Thank you for getting back to us.

Most psychologists will be able to work through a program of CBT with you. It is a widely recognized and used treatment.

I'm glad you are gradually going to reconnect with people. I wish I had done that sooner! You seem hopeful, which is a great sign. Having depression and anxiety concurrently is challenging, but I think you can start making positive changes. It will take time, but it is so worth it!

Best wishes,

SM

[Dwwmills]

If you find a psychologist you have already found CBT.
That’s what they do.
Cognitive-based therapy is just being aware of your irrational
belief systems, finding ways to challenge them and replacing them with more
positive thoughts and or actions. Psychologists are trained to look at the way
you think and help you find ways of changing that thinking. The end goal is to
have you trained to be able to do this for yourself.
E.g. I have a job interview and have worked myself into a
state where I’m too scared to go there. In my mind I’m saying I’ll never get
this job, there a lot more qualified people than me, I’ll mess up in the
interview, I’ve been to job interviews I’ve messed up before.
These thought patterns are working against you and CBT helps
you challenge them. You probably using at least 2 irrational belief systems
here. “Mind-reading others” and “negative evaluation of self”. The "Mind reading others", you could say instead, “That you can’t possibly know what the employer is looking for”, “You are making
assumptions and your assumptions could be wrong”. To counter the “negative
evaluation of self” you can challenge them by saying that “I don’t need to
refer to myself so negatively”, “There are positive things about me too” and “That
I am only looking at the negative side”. Some positive thoughts you could think
are, “I will do my best at the interview and I do not have ultimate control
over the outcome”.” Everyone else at this interview will be nervous too”. Some
positive steps you could take would be to look at the company and find out a
little bit more about them so you will be more knowledgeable at the interview.
If you don’t get the job you could ask for a short interview to get some
feedback so you will be more prepared for your next interview.

At first glance this system seems very simplistic. Just
saying things to yourself will not work unless you find sayings that you really
believe but over time this can set up a new way of thinking. By going through
this process it also interrupts the racing thoughts and circular thinking.
Finding actions you can take also helps you break out of the feelings of helplessness.

For CBT to work you must do this over and over
again. There are no shortcuts. You have spent the rest of your life building up
your thought patterns through repetition so they can take quite a bit of
shifting. It really is worth the effort and as you start seeing results it is
extremely rewarding.