Pressure

[Dollie]

Hii angels, 

I understand pure joy is one of those rare things that you can't just find you just come across it.

Yet I barely have any of those happy moments either.

I look like I do, constantly smiling and laughing, making jokes.

But its never genuine, it's more like an act and performance.

It's exhausting hiding my emotions from everyone.

The pressure constantly feels like it builds up and it feels like I have nobody to cry too, to lye on their shoulders and talk about my struggles my real raw emotions.

I've perfected this mask, this performance and act.

I could cry in the school bathroom for hours and minutes then walk into 6th period smiling and laughing.

Crying at night, wanting to die, not in the casual way people just say easily, in the way that I genuinely write goodbye letters and wonder what would happen if I die.

There's things about me that people can't understand and stories that I had that no 12 year old should go through.

But for now nobody will nothing my tear stained eyes.

The ones that hold betrayal, anger, anguish and this ambigiuous pain that nobody my age will understand.

As I'm crying writing this, already waiting for tomorrow where I smile and joke with my brother, ask what's for breakfast, I know nobody will understand me and see the mask slip.

Notice the forced laughter matched with my emotionless eyes.

-Dollie

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there Dollie,

It's nice to see you back and I think it's so beautiful how you're able to express your feelings. I feel you, it's exhausting pretending to be ok when you're not. I know it feels heavy bearing it all alone. You mentioned not having anyone to talk to but I was wondering if you could talk with the coordinator or school counsellor? I'm sure they'll be able to provide you with some support. I hope you read through some posts here on the forums and I'm sure you'll see other people going through similar feelings and feel content knowing that other people are struggling too. You are not alone and we're always here for you when you want to chat 💙

I encourage you to keep writing these poems to express your feelings, I imagine it's quite cathartic. 

Take care of yourself today and I hope you feel a bit lighter.

Kind regards,

PsychDiaries

[Dollie]

Hi PhyschDiaries,

Thank you for taking the time to respond! 

The thing is, it's really hard for me to explain my emotions in general and then to somebody in real life. 

I am fully aware that there are school counsellors however recently everyone's words that are meant to hold reassurance feel hollow and dull.

Words feel like they have lose all their meaning as if they are only there to fill in the awkward silence and the world around me simply feels black and white.

It also feels hard to really talk to somebody when it feels like nobody can truly understand, connect and relate to me.

They can make me feel a little bit better but they don't understand what's going on in my mind, on how big the effect is and how impacted my mental health has been.

On top of that due to my age it feels as if my emotions are constantly dismissed simply because of my age.

It is as if my feelings don't carry the same value an adults do, even though my feelings and emotions are just as important.

When people listen they often compare how I feel to those who are going through war, poverty and other hardships. 

And although my heart aches towards those who are going through these situations it doesn't change how people act as if my feelings aren't valid because somebody has it worse.

Because pain isn't a competition.

Just because others are suffering doesn't mean my own struggles disappear.

What people don't see is the pressure I place on myself and the expectations I constantly try to live up to, the person I desperately strive to become.

And that pressure weighs on me every day.

Sometimes it feels like I was once a beautiful rose, full of life and hope.

Now, that rose has begun to wilt.

-Dollie