Perfectionism help needed

[architecture_student]

Hi there!
My story with anxiety would fit a good novel and I am not sure where to start exactly. I am an architecture student, currently in 4th year, an immigrant (and Aus citizen for 3 years), homosexual and extremely perfectionist person. I am suffering from uncontrollable crying at anywhere, anytime, burning sensation in my neck and in the place where my brain should be, accompanied by the most horrific self-critical, sometimes suicidal thoughts and self-humiliating behaviour. I have tried to reach out for help from professionals but certain limitations are preventing me from getting substantial help. I can clearly define a few failures that I’m unable to overcome mentally and drag me into a cycle of self-torture. After our immigration from eastern Europe with my family, I lived in deep outback until my 20th birthday and rushed into a relationship with a guy as soon as I arrived into the city starting a 1.6 years long relationship which ended up with a breakup –sort of catastrophic- after the following events: Last year, almost lost my sibling to anorexia, lost a relative through suicide (with similar mental mindset) and got two close relatives living overseas diagnosed with aggressive cancer types requiring an emergency travel during the semester. My course in the meantime has proceeded further and became more difficult and demanding (always studied overnight, having very little sleep and received high amount of stress from strict time constraints) These triggers were enough to make me do mistakes at the workplace which resulted in being fired. I became more aggressive in my relationship which resulted in having to live with my ex in a small unit for three quarters of the lease of our student residence (no other arrangement was possible). I felt humiliation, guilt, anger, all sorts of negative emotions towards myself for inability to cope, until we moved apart. Despite I wanted to proceed and move on. I have continued my studies, however I have phobia of applying to workplaces (I am financially dependent – STRUGGLING), opening to new relationships (as well as hating my sexuality), I am battling with insomnia and the type of anxiety attacks that I described earlier. I technically tried to compress 2 years in 2500 characters which might look superficial, but I really need advice in how to go on as my future seems to be taking me towards leaving my course, mental breakdown and some serious self-torture as a result.
Thank you!
Greg (23)

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[Sophie_M]

Hi Greg, thanks for posting.

We can see that you have a lot on your mind and have been through many challenging and distressing experiences over the last few years. We can see how overwhelming things have become for you.

We can especially see how much your future and your worries about failure are impacting on you. Something that is important to remember is that the harder you work the luckier you get in relation to future success, though success is not usually achieved in a straight line.

People go through many ups and downs on their journey to achieve what they want to in life, but those who keep trying and keep working hard always get there. Nonetheless you must ensure the hard work is balanced with self-care. You cannot perform at your best if you are emotionally and physically exhausted.

The most successful people know that every failure is one step closer to success. Every failure teaches you something important. One of the most important things it teaches is resilience. Every time you feel you have had a bad, wasted or failure of a day we encourage you to congratulate yourself and say "I have taken another step towards where I want to go."

You might find it helpful to read some biographies about people who have started out as the underdog and achieved great things. Their stories always include many experiences of failure and many feelings of doubt and disappointment, but then they still go on to reach their goals and often exceed them.

TheDesk is a great website that supports university students who are struggling with their assignments or studies due to anxiety, procrastination or any other issues. It helps support your well-being while you study and may be helpful for you to have a look at.

We are concerned to see that you have been considering suicide and feeling hopeless about the future. Greg you are describing symptoms of both depression and anxiety. Although these illnesses are incredibly debilitating they are also completely treatable. You do not have to put up with feeling this way. A really good first step is to see your doctor for an assessment of your symptoms. The doctor can provide a mental and physical health assessment and discuss possible supports and treatments with you.

The two most effective treatments for depression and anxiety tend to be medication or counselling with a mental health professional. Some people choose to access one of those treatments, while others access both at the same time. It is up to you what you feel comfortable with. Often lifestyle changes can make a big difference too. You can read about other treatments here:

Treatments for depression

Treatments for anxiety

If you don't have a regular doctor, the beyondblue website has a list of doctors and other professionals who specialise in depression and anxiety. This lets you search for doctors and mental health professionals in your area. If there isn't a doctor listed close to you it can be helpful to ask friends or family for a recommendation. A doctor can refer you to a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, for counselling if this is what you choose. Gaining a referral for counselling through your doctor and the Better Outcomes initiative will allow you to have subsidised counselling sessions through Medicare so this makes sure that it is affordable.

Alternatively you could get in touch with Headspace. They provide mental health support for young people under the age of 25. It is completely confidential and free. You can find your closest Headspace centre by searching their website

Remember it is important that you take steps to keep yourself safe. We are always here to support you through difficult time. You can call the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 for support as needed. We are here to help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for counselling support, information and referrals. We also have web chat service available from 3pm-midnight 7 days a week, you can access this from our website:

[Narniakid]

Hi architecture_student! Welcome to BB!

Wow! What an eventful couple of years! Firstly, are you seeking professional help? A lot of people tend to avoid it in fear of it being unhelpful, but if you try a number of different psychologists as referred to by your GP, you'll eventually find one that clicks with you, and they'll be able to really help you recover. I strongly suggest keeping a diary of the events of the day and how you felt about them - not only as an effective outlet for yourself, but to take to your psychologist or GP as a guide, they can help you by finding patterns and triggers of your anxiety and depression. 

Don't be afraid to apply for work! I suffer severe anxiety and depression, and I am able to manage work through a casual job. I find the idea of full time work too overwhelming, but my manager is aware of my condition and I have been able to avoid doing things like phone calls in exchange for other jobs and activities. More often than not, if you're honest with your boss about your condition, but are willing to give other options a try, they are happy to negotiate. 

As for the anxiety attacks, the main treatment for them, apart from breathing exercises, is removing the triggers - recognise the certain activities/people/places that make your anxiety flare up, and remove them. 

For insomnia, if I'm having a tough night, I take a couple of herbal sleeping pills half an hour before going to bed, and I light a soft vanilla candle, and read a book. Avoid using social media or electronics before bed as they stimulate your brain and keep you awake. 

Definately look into professional help, and have a read of the resources here on the website - they're really good and you can even get copies sent out to you in the mail. And remember that the hotline is always willing to listen and advise you.

Negative thoughts are just reactions to fear, and anxiety thrives on avoidance.  You can do this! You've already come so far! Keep your chin up 🙂

Crystal

[pockets4health]

Hi Greg

In your first sentence alone I can see that there are a lot of conflicting concerns at play for you on a day to day basis and it's understandable how this must be affecting you physically and mentally. It must be exhausting but you are not alone. I know what it's like to punish yourself for not being able to cope or for being a burden on those around you but admitting you are struggling and that you need help is not a weakness - it's a strength, for that reason I want to say how great I think it is that you've reached out here today. 

 I don't know what limitations you have on you at the moment preventing you from getting help but I can vouch for schemes such as headspace mentioned above. It is open to anyone under 25 and of which I'm sure you're eligible for. I really encourage you to seek them out. They will be able to provide you with strategies to help you with your insomnia, anxiety etc but above all they will provide you with a support system external to your world. A sounding board where you can be what ever you need to be without judgement.

Moving forward I think it might be a good idea to cut back on your studies for a little while and focus on yourself but see how things are after you see someone. I understand the place you are in right now well, I know that you want to achieve everything right now and it's difficult to understand why you aren't able to cope but it's important to realise you have so much time still to reach your goals and you will. Once you overcome this hurdle, there will be nothing stopping you from achieving what you want as the person you want to be.

There are a lot of stressors feeding your anxiety and insomnia at the moment and eliminating some of them might take some of the pressure off but for right now meditating or spending some time exercising/doing yoga might give you a good break from all the other stress. I find that exercising keeps me present and that does help with the worrying. There are also some apps that I use - Calm is a meditation app and Sleep Genius is an app that plays calming music when you're trying to fall asleep. Warm milk before bed or herbal tea is also good. I think if you are able to get even 1 or 2 nights sleep more than you are getting now it will help immensely!

Best of luck and please let us know how you're doing.

Love

V