Not feeling supported

Sambo · ‎15-05-2014

So just had a talk with my girlfriend who is very angry at my parents who havent really contacted me in the last three weeks. Yes its a bit hard me living in england and them in aus. But as i tried to commit suicide four days before i left for england, my girlfriend thinks that its a bit bad of them, i didnt really think about that much. My mum has emailed me but only 3 times and one saying sorry that she hadnt replied sooner as she was busy painting and also reminding me of my dads birthday coming up. After our talk i did start to think that it was a bit bad but i dont really know what to thnk. Even my brothers girlfriend has asked how ive been dong more than my mum. I just need some more support but i dont know what or how to ask. Sorry for the rant but just clearing my head!!

Neil_1 · ‎15-05-2014

Hi Sambo

I'm pleased that you've reached out again to here - and you know the issue you've raised this time is, well, it's a huge issue that so many of this community have had to or are still dealing with.

The support of family - and perhaps more to the point, support of parents.

I'm not trying to guess how old your parents are, but more often than not, parents who are of the 'older generation' simply just don't get mental health issues. They don't understand it, they don't pretend to understand it and as such, trying to seek out support from them, just ends up causing more heartache for the person who is needing to receive that support.

I really am not wanting to sound so negative here, but this could well what you might be facing. The comment that your mum was too busy painting, kind of signifies something to me.

I'm getting a strong sense though that your girlfriend is a good support for you, is that right? Which is fantastic, that that's the case and also your brother's girlfriend.

Sambo, my suggestion on this would be to seek and reach out to the support mechanisms that you KNOW that work. That are there for you - especially at this very difficult time for you.

I hope that others can come on board here and put forward some other thoughts/advice for you as well.

Please take care Sambo and again, thank you for coming back again to post. Please do so as often as you like.

Kind regards

Neil

white knight · ‎15-05-2014

Hi Sambo. Great post Neil1.

Too right Neil about the older generation not understanding mental illness issues. We seem to need their support so much and they just dont 'get it'...most that is. But should that be confused with love or lack thereof? I dont think so.

When you pass around 55yo your physical endurance deteoriates and injuries, even getting out of bed is 5 times harder. Painting a house might seem like even a hobby to you over the phone but in reality its a real challenge for them....perhaps. I am throwing possibilities at you Sambo.

Ok thats the physical possibilities of your parents that could be diverting their attention but what about really good conversation? Why is that lacking? A number of things come to my mind. eg The too hard basket, the "I dont know what to say to him" feeling, what can I do about it? thought, He's in England...., the doctors will help him....etc. I'm not suggesting any of these have taken place. I'm suggesting possibilities.

what many family members dont get about their loved ones in your situation is that a 5 minute phone call to you daily for a few weeks with the intent on you receiving words of love and care, support and basic suggestions...is the best medicine. But its a hard 'ask' (for some)and if you are not getting that now then you have to look for ways to seek such support from other sources. Thats reality. Sad as it is. Yeh, we want to scream at them but they have to have the capacity to absorb the message first!.

My mother always had worse illnesses than mine. So not only did I get the silence treatment when I was ill/confused and in need of parental support but when I finally did ring her she wouldnt ask me how I was. She would list the things wrong with her then in desperation I'd get angry, tell her how serious my issues were and she'd say "oh well, I dont know about you kids today....we didnt have those things when we were young". No she didnt see those things...because they locked us up then and kept us from society etc etc. sorry for the rant.

At the end of the day you will gather a network of good friends (including this wonderful site) that you can confide in and seek advice and mental care and support. Allow that network to grow so you can tap into it at will and also reverse it- when your good friend needs help- be there!. Eventually the support you yearn for from your parents will be supplied by your friends and partner. Any subsequent support you might one day get from your parents - treat that as a bonus but not an expectation. As long as they love you and I think they do but only within their capacity. good luck Sambo

Sambo · ‎16-05-2014

Hi guys. Thanks for the input its very much appreciated. There is a definate fact to the older generation not understanding mental illness especially as my parents are in there sixties and my dad even saying that he doesnt understand it. I do have support from my girlfriend and have done for nearly the past two years but its at the point where i do need more people to talk to. Again thanks for your input

geoff · ‎16-05-2014

dear Sambo, great replies from Neil and White Knight, and that's why this site is so good, because people on here understand exactly what you are going through, because they can relate it back to their own situation in a different way, or perhaps exactly the same way.

Boy when we reach out for parental support and don't get it, and this has happened many times on this site, it's just so disappointing.

Your mum says that she has been 'busy painting', do you know how much I believe this, well I don't, it's just an excuse, as far as I am concerned.

I have said on many occasions that the older generation, and believe it, I am in this age group, don't believe that depression exists, it's their theory to just 'get on with it', so to them it's taboo, which is so wrong, but I am not sure that we would be able to change this, because they are stuck in their own thoughts.

I am pleased that you do have support, but please stay with us as time goes on, and this also means now. Geoff.