Not coping and terrified

[iusedtobefamous]

So, bit of background first, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 12, I'm now 23. I've been seeing a psychologist on and off throughout all this, and I'm still seeing one at the moment. I've been really proud of my progress - when I was 19, I got really bad, I couldn't leave the house at all for months, I wouldn't speak to anyone, my mum had to come with me for every thing - shopping, appointments, everything. Fast forward a few years, I'm now working full time, I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life... And I'm really struggling. My boss keeps asking me what's wrong, and I hate telling her - I get that she needs a breif idea of what's going on because it's affecting my performance at work, but I feel like she's judging me, I feel really paranoid about almost everything at the moment, I feel like the people at work have been talking about me because she said the other day that their "all really worried about me", which should be a nice thing for her to say, and I should be all "awwww, they care", but instead I just want to withdraw further because (in my head) obviously that means they've been talking about me and I hate that. I never used to be this paranoid, or suspicious. I used to go out to lunch every day with the girls from work, I don't remember the last time I did because I find it exhausting. I come home at lunch instead and just sit in my room for an hour while I eat and try to psych myself up for the rest of the afternoon. 
I don't know how to deal with work - I'm exhausted, and I'm trying so hard to keep up appearances, but I don't know how long I can do it for, and the idea that I have to work for the rest of my life to support myself makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry. 

[geoff]

dear Iusedtobefamous, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting your comment.

Depression has no mercy, it has no sympathy on anyone no matter where you stand in the society, and it never says it's sorry or forgive me for putting you through all of this agony, it doesn't care one bit, so it leaves us to try and beat it, or learn how to cope with it, which we all know that it's a struggle.

I don't know how much sick leave you have, but from what you have told us, it appears as though you need some time off, because if you don't then your time trying to do the work is going to become much harder.

When there is someone wrong with us we naturally feel as though all the other people at work are talking about us, this maybe true, but I hope not, but as your boss has recognised that you don't seem to be well, then it's worth taking the time off, where you can then try and start to improve your health.

I'm not sure if you are taking any medication, but can I suggest that you go back to your doctor and explain to him/her on how you are feeling.

Does your partner understand what depression is all about and know what is going on, and I only say this because there are many times when we put on a brave face making out that all is OK. Geoff.