Need someone to talk to

[lonelyminer37]

Hey everyone, I'm Jess (21) and I live in a small mining town in QLD. Last year, my partner of three years decided to end things with me because "he wanted to be single". I was absolutely devastated and really struggled to move on. Only a couple of months later, my younger sister was diagnosed with Leukaemia and she and m parents had to temporarily relocate 6 hours north of where we live so that she could receive treatment. I had to stay behind and look after our family pets, work and look after the house. Unfortunately/fortunately (depends on how you look at it), I worked with my ex. When I found out my sister was sick, he was my rock. He was the only one there for me (none of my so called friends even bothered to check up on me) and eventually, we started a relationship again. However, he was adamant on keeping this a secret as some of our mutual friends also worked with us at the time. Towards the end of the year, I finally got a new job in the mines which I was so excited about, and after I resigned from my other job, he stopped talking to me. I finally got up the courage to ask him what the hell was happening and what did he want from me. He told me he thought restarting a relationship with me was a bad idea and once again, he broke my heart.

Two months on and I had started to finally move on with my life and slowly forget about him. Until he drunk called me late one night one his birthday telling me how much he missed me and wished I was there. I tried not to think too much into it because he was drunk, but he message me the next day and we started talking again. We met up again to hang out as 'friends' and HE kissed me. HE said he was wrong and had made so many mistakes regarding leaving me and that he wanted to try again (taking things slowly) which I agreed to.

However, he recently started a new job at a different mine as well, and as soon as he started, he has completely stopped talking to me for no reasons whatsoever. He has again completely broken me and I can't seem to get over it. I feel depressed all the time, breakdown crying for no reasons whatsoever, and sometimes just don't know how to function. I don't want to seem weak because I know deep down that he is just using me and that I deserve better, but I just can't seem to move on.

I also don't have anyone to talk to as all of my 'friends' from school stopped talking to me after school unless they need something. I don't know what to do as I have always been the strong one..

[kanga_brumby]

Jess welcome to beyond blue forums a safe place to talk about sensitive issues.

Your Bf seems to have commitment issues. I have been in a couple of relationships where my GF wanted in then out. Then back in again, it was like a yo yo. I had to walk away in the end because she had children. Which I was fine with, they were from another relationship she had had. But it was not fair on the children. You have to work out if the boyfriend is being fare to you. We all need stability in our relationships. Either they are there for us or not. It's your choice either he is in or out. It's not my call you have the right to a stable relationship. That's my two cents.

Kanga

[Croix]

Dear Jess~

You sound a lovely capable person who has been hit very hard by life, both by you sister's illness and the unfeeling use of your ex.

It sounds like it's most fortunate both you and he have new jobs away from each other. Perhaps now you will have a chance to rebuild your life.

A relationship is a very powerful thing and when it ends it is devastating. One hopes by some miracle it will resume and one is prepared to give much for that to happen. Love and forgiveness is given, but not always deserved.

Unfortunately your ex-partner has used you as a convenience, not as an equal he wishes to respect, love and cherish. Each time he has left he has given no good reason, other than the unspoken one that he does not value you. Even when you relied on him as your sister was ill he was not prepared to enter a full relationship and wanted it secret - a giveaway I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I'd have to say he is a self-centered user with no regard for what he does to you. From what you say I think you have realized this too.

You do deserve better - much better. You deserve someone who is worthy of your trust. Unfortunately being abandoned three times not only affects your ability to trust, but also makes you doubt how worthy you are or even if you are capable of keeping anyone. It i not you, or anything about you - it is just him.

Your main task it to take time and see though these false ideas until you realize you have as much to give a partner as anyone could want, and it was only an unfortunate choice that led to these disasters.

Doing this all by yourself is hard, though being employed and successful does help an overall feeling of self-worth. Having the support of someone who cares is gold. Do you have anyone in your family to talk frankly with, who cares and wants to help? Talk can of course be at a distance on the phone or Skype.

Visiting your GP, who may recommend a grief councilor or some other avenue might be an idea.

Always having been the strong one has a big downside, it encourages a mask that takes a lot to maintain, and makes one feel isolated at the same time when things go wrong.

'Friends' who only are there for themselves are not friends at all, as you already realize, they are just acquaintances.

I hope you feel confident you can talk here as much as you'd like, you will always be welcome

Croix