My Triggered Emotional detachment and disassociation: is it my anxiety or worse?

[Artastic55]

Hello again. I Hate making these but this never has let me down.

I wanted to see what you all might know in terms of disassociation and emotional detachment, so I’ll write a bit about my situation.

I’ve been talking with my psychologist about a thing I’ve called ‘It’. When I get stressed for example, I do this thing where I cannot feel emotion except rage and anger. I lash out, insult and be obnoxious, I feel superior to everyone and it’s pretty annoying. Sometimes it can get a whole lot worse where I don’t have control over myself and I become physically violent towards others. After the event, I revert back to normal as if nothing happened, with almost complete memory of it, just i don’t have emotional or thinking memory of it (I don’t remember what I thought).

Ive noticed that when I’m in a normal state, I often have 2 other voices or ‘thought like voices’ (which seem normal) except they’re not like what I think. They often are negative and rude, and often seem hostile towards everything including myself. When I do a switch in my states to emotionally detached or when I dissasociate, I don’t have those thoughts, they’re replaced with what I normally would say.

examples of his voice can be from having a meal with my father where the food is good but inside me I have two voices not enraged so much they they refuse to eat his food just because I hate him. Or I could be talking to someone and I get voices telling me they are disgusting and terrible, and I insult them frequently in my head.

i talk with a psychologist who asked why I did this, and he suggested if it might be to ‘hide my pain’. I didn’t know how to respond because I don’t know why I do, I just do it when stressed, angry, having a panic attack, pressured or ‘if I’ve been drinking’ (Not an alarming amount or without supervision)

i don’t know if I hide my pain but we’re thinking that maybe it’s a defence mechanism I developed in my childhood because of bullying and mental instability. I read up on a lot of stuff relating to dissociative identity disorder and there was a state that rang a bell called ‘The protector’ which seemed a lot like what happens with me. I’m not saying I have that mental illness, but the stories I’ve read and information I’ve wandered into seem to support my theory

i wondered that if maybe my anxiety can trigger these switches but it doesn’t explain my random switches when listening to music or by myself.

any ideas what might be happening with me?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Artastic55,

Thanks for your post and I'm glad you've found this forums helpful so far 🙂

There's a lot that comes to mind when reading your post; hearing about what happens with 'it', your voices when you're in the normal state, what might trigger it and what you've read. It's all very complex! So whatever we say here will never replace these conversations that you're having with the psychologist -

Here are my thoughts anyways -

It sounds like your psychologist has suggested that you're hiding your pain, but have you talked to your psychologist about how you're confused? From what I understand, there can be two reasons why this happens out of the blue; the first reason is that something is happening that triggers this - perhaps you haven't figured that out yet. There's a lot that happens 'underneath the surface'. Especially in situations where things have happened in your childhood; you might not even notice that there's been a 'trigger' so to speak. I imagine that a lot of this will come up in therapy.

The second reason is that because your body is going into this mode so frequently, it's become random because it's deregulated. I'll try to explain - even though you might be feeling really angry and full of rage, I'm guessing that there's probably not a lot to be logically mad at. I assume that looking back perhaps you wouldn't have usually gotten this mad. So your brain is become used to getting that 'hyper' response that it's not sure when to come on - which could be why it's happening when you're seemingly calm.

I hope this makes sense and helps in some way 🙂

[Sad_Mushroom]

Hi Artastic,

Mine was (is) called Piker. In my teen years, my close friends could tell who I was and would call me/it by name.

Reading your post is like looking back in time. The lack of emotion, the violent rages, feeling superior when in 'it' mode, the whole shebang. I am in my 50's now but she (Piker) is still with me, although she has mellowed now she is always on guard.

So you know I'm not pulling your leg. If I felt like someone was trying to stand over me (even if they weren't) Piker would take over and sort them out. Her idea is to be in-your-face abusive so you back off right away. She felt good about it too. If that finished it I would be me again. If not, the violent rage would start. Piker thinks if she hurts/scares this person, then others will not be game enough to start on me. Piker is quick and nasty and she doesn't care. When she leaves and I am me again I am calm like nothing happened. I even find it funny and have to try hard not to laugh. I feel relieved and relaxed and although I remember everything I feel like it was something I watched on TV rather than something I had done.

Switching comes and goes. In time it's like having a best friend when bored or thinking about other issues. As time went on when I found myself in issues she would tell me to let her take over and she would sort it out. Sometimes I would let her (because secretly I thought it was funny) but other times I would tell her no. Then she'd nag at me, giving me scenarios about what could happen and how she'd fix it. Secretly I'd be laughing but still telling her no.

I found the switching was protective. At first it was only when I felt threatened, scared but then it began happening when I just couldn't be bothered dealing with people who aggravated or annoyed me. Piker feels no pain nor emotion so stopping her is impossible yet my friends could yell out something silly like "how do you stop getting attacked by a shark in a shower?" and I would be me again laughing my head off. (BTW the answer is 'throw a toaster at it')

SM

[Sad_Mushroom]

cont'

Piker was my best friend and she looked after me. I relied on her to be strong. As such, she became a big part of my life and at times I felt she made more sense than I did because people 'listened' to her but no one seemed to listen to me. Sometimes it was just nice to have her there, whether I was scared or not.
As I said I am in my 50's and I still lack the emotional feelings that most people have. My brain knows about the feelings and can react accordingly but I don't FEEL the feelings. I just don't care to be honest. Not from my heart anyway. I can care from my brain though.

Hope this makes some sense to you. There are a few of us but not many have the capacity to describe it or the ability to 'see' it, as sometimes it overpowers most other thoughts.

In all my years I have met quite a few with this but only a handful who were aware of it. Most have no recollection or memory after switching back.

SM