My social life is almost dead

[Thunderdog]

Hi,

So I've been out of uni for 18 months with a great job but I feel like my job is the only worthwhile thing in my life. My friends are dwindling and I seem to have to work so much harder to make new friends in a new town. Like I have to pretend to be someone else. I have always been a shy sort of person who gets anxious talking to people but in the last maybe 3 years I had gained a lot more confidence and starting going out and doing things I wanted to like parties and the local horse racing days or just to the pub on a weekend with friends. I stopped being so self conscious and really worked hard on being more confident. Fake it till you make it does work! But now I have moved away and only made 1 friend in 18 months. I have no one to go out with anymore.

I'm too scared to go out on a weekend on my own without friends. There are people I have tried to get to know but I feel like they are not interested in me because I am not interesting enough because I have no life because I have no friends. I see photos on facebook or snapchat of people I know going to events or night outs and I just can't help but burst out crying... I feel so excluded.

I now feel really unattractive because I am really skinny, always have been, and I have lost my confidence because I feel like my life sucks. I keep completely giving up on finding a girl because even I don't like me, how could I ever find someone else who finds me attractive, inside or out? I'm a genuine, nice and caring person but I think no one can see it because I just don't have the energy anymore to care 😞

This has taken me ages to come out, I'm just so embarrassed but I feel so lost. I just physically can't tell anyone close to me in person and I'm sick of putting on the brave face.

Thanks 🙂

[CMarie23]

Hey!

I'm actually unsure on what to say to help, I haven't moved or anything but I've always struggled to make friends and I always feel boring and as if I'm forcing myself to fit in a bit.

Try your best to find ways to meet people in your new area, maybe even find friends through that one friend you made.

I weirdly feel like I can relate to this and I just wanted to say that there is always people to support you even if it's people that aren't closest to you. You're never alone. A girl will also be interested in you when the right one comes along.

I always feel out of place and it's hard.. I wish I could help with advice more but I'm still trying to figure it out myself! I hope you start finding some more friends and your confidence boosts a bit!

[DarcysHuman]

Hi Thunderdog,

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but it sounds like you've done a great job so far.
I can't imagine what I would do in your situation, it takes me a very long time to feel comfortable around people let alone make friends, so as far as I'm concerned you're amazing for having moved so far away from everything you know.

Maybe there are community groups in your area? You could try going along to some of their events? (and chat online first so you don't feel completely out of place when you attend?) And where possible try to keep in contact with your old friends? On social media perhaps? Maybe that'll make you feel less alone? I'm sorry if these aren't very good suggestions, like I said before I've never been in your situation.

Also don't undersell yourself, you've made a friend already and that is a great achievement!
And you sound lovely, I'm sure a wonderful girl will come along eventually.

Good luck with everything, I hope your situation and self confidence improve soon.

-DH

[Stu1]

Hey Thunderdog,

I can completely relate to where you are coming from. I spent my younger years following my dad around from country to country, military base to base, and never had a problem meeting people. I spent most of my life moving around and making new friends in strange places. Fast forward to today, I have just moved to Tasmania, have discovered i am suddenly introverted and finding it incredibly difficult to form new friendships. Here's how i'm dealing with it, take away what you will!

1, I've always played rugby, since i was a young kid. So first thing i have done is sign up to the local rugby club. I haven't been able to get down there yet because of work but i will at some point. Now, i'm not saying you should go out and start playing rugby (but you should it's awesome!) but there must be something that you are keen on, and if you have a look online i'll be there is a community or group near you that will cater to it.

2, Learn to love yourself and enjoy doing the stuff you want to do. Don't go out with the intentions of doing stuff that other people like, go and do what you want to do. You'll have fun and meet people who are interested in the same things as you !

3, Reconnect with old friends. DH is right, it's amazing how much better you can feel after talking with a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. Remember these guys are your buddies and they'll understand where you are coming from, and maybe they'll have some good advice for you too.

4, Look after yourself. Start eating right, going to the gym/go for a run/walk up a hill. Exercise is great at making you feel great​ (thanks to all the lovely dopamine your body releases afterwards!) so get out there and start getting fit. And remember, you aren't skinny, you are ripped!

I know moving away from friends and home is tough, and i'm not trying to downplay how hard it can be. Don't be embarrassed for feeling the way you do, moving away is a seriously stressful time for anyone. But talking to people and getting things off your chest is a great step to making yourself feel better, so keep using the forum if you need to vent or connect with someone.

Good luck mate and remember, you are that 1 sperm cell out of billions that made it. You're already a winner!

Stu

[Thunderdog]

Hey

Thanks so much!

When I first moved here I put a lot of effort into trying to make friends and ended up feeling like I was boring because I couldn't relate to the people I was hanging out with. And the people I could relate to where just toxic to be around. I got unlucky I think.

And I agree with finding supportive people in the least expected places. I actually met a girl on tinder who we ended up just talking for a few months who really helped me look at everything in a different way, and I feel a lot more grounded because of it.

But thanks again, I think really most people find it hard to fit in, its just that some are dealt better or worse situations sometimes 🙂

[Thunderdog]

Hey,

Just wanted to say thanks! Hearing something positive really does help.

Just writing that post helped make everything a little bit clearer and I was able to stand back and look at everything from a distance. I've realized that I am on the right track and doing the right things to a degree, there is always room to improve, but sometimes it just all becomes too much and I burn out.

I have also realized that a lot of this stress is because of one person I work with. They are the only other person my age at work, I am the youngest by a few months, so I did everything I could to be nice and friendly. Looking back I couldn't have done a better job. I started working there 6 months after them. Basically they are my equal but act like my boss. Or even worse then my actual boss because I can't even have a balanced conversation with them. They have never once asked or been interested in my thoughts or opinion even when working on projects together. I can't really change jobs because I'm on contract and I can't move within the business because I have a very specialized roll. I'm currently trying to work out what to do. I don't want to say anything to anyone at work in case it makes things worse or something, idk. No one else has to work as closely to this person as I do so I think other might think I'm being unreasonable.

And why this has a large impact is because its a small town and the types of things I like to do, so does this person. So I keep seeing them outside of work where they keep using me the same way as at work or if I don't go out on new years eve for example they will know and use it to attack me at work.

Anyway so thats what I'm working on now and thanks again for the advice everyone!

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Thunderdog,

Don't be embarrassed. A lot of people feel this way. It is hard to keep in contact with friends so I totally understand. Does your work have after work drinks? (Hopefully that condescending person you've mentioned before wont be there, haha). After work drinks is how I've met people, and also through various sporting groups, even online dating etc. Is there anything you'd like to learn how to do? (Play tennis, paint, join a book club, learn a language?) These things really help not only build our confidence but give us something to look forward to and you can definitely meet new people through activities like this. I think if you felt confident and went out before you can do it again. You could even say to some people at work I'm new here, could I come along for drinks tonight? See how that goes. Do not worry about finding a girlfriend, that will come when the time is right. You honestly have all the time in the world. I'm 22 and have only had one relationship when I was 17, and I'm totally okay with that because these things can't be rushed. Even though you feel as if you don't have many friends right now, a person is so much more than who they hang out with and it sounds like you have a lot of wonderful qualities, a good job, and definitely have the capacity to meet people. Sorry to hear about that person you work with. If it's really becoming a problem and affecting your mental state you could definitely be straight up with them and tell them how you're feeling, or perhaps get a mediator involved. Please let me know how you go! And thanks for being so vulnerable with us. Welcome to the forum. J.

[Thunderdog]

Thanks so much!

We do have after work drinks and I go every time. When I started work I was encouraged to come and even go to weekend events with them which I always felt a bit weird because most of them are about 20 years older then me so they are there with their friends and just me. Lol but its not too bad. That other person I work with always comes too but... I've been afraid to say anything at work as I said earlier in case it made me look bad as I thought they don't know this person as well as I do, but today someone actually quietly asked me about it, saying that a few weeks ago when I was away the person was running their mouth off about me to everyone at work. The person who told me then said don't let them take advantage of you.

I really want to just stop talking to them unless I have to. Like for example stop saying good morning to them, they never say it to me anyway but I fear it will make things worse. But every time I give them a chance I get used.

I also bought a puppy. Good company and people are really friendly when you're out walking with it, especially girls 😉 haha jk. But its definitely been worthwhile.

I also had a rather distant friend ring up for work reasons actually, but one thing led to another and now we have a half organised meetup to go dirtbike riding.

Thanks for putting up with my rant, it really helps to get it off my chest and clear my head.

Cheers