My overwhelming depression

[GracieLacey]

Hi, I'm Grace. and I have clinical depression. I'm writing here because I feel I have nobody to turn to. During my lunch and recess at school I run away from people as far as I can and during class, I sit at the back and I barely talk. I look at so many happy people and think "why can't I just be like those people" I cut my hair short because I thought I didn't deserve to be pretty and I think why haven't I gotten rid of myself already and whenever I ask myself I remember the guy I like and how I love trying my best to get him to notice me. Since starting kindergarten but I've been able to hide from almost anybody and cant be found until I want to be found and it's gotten harder for my loved ones to find me anymore. I told at school cause some people to see me and call me dead cause I always look like I've died and I've never smiled at anybody. People look at me like I'm going to kill them and sometimes I wish I had that power to but at the same time, I want to be noticed by others so they can help me. People always say I have to smile more and my teacher gave me something called the 'happy mask' its a mask with a happy face to hide my horrible, dead and depressed face. I look like I've been starved and nobody wants to look at me. I keep my mask on almost every day but as soon as I take it off I go back to look at my horrible self and hope I wish I wasn't like this. I don't understand the term 'broken' or 'unfixable' it's just what people call me, so that's what I tell myself. I've destroyed everything in my path just because I wanted it to be just like me destroyed, unfixable, broken and lifeless. I'm the only person in my family that can stare at horror movies because they relate to me all the villan are misunderstood or just 'broken' "I think of death like a holiday at the beach" that's what I tell myself and that what I believe everyday. Thanks for listening to me and i hope somebody could understand me.

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Grace,

Your life right now seems pretty hard. I'm very glad you've come on here for some help and someone to listen. There are plenty of people on here that want you to feel better. School sounds really hard to get through. When you don't have people to sit with at breaks or in class you probably feel more alone. I understand how you feel when you look at others and wish you were like them. It's a hard emotion to deal with.

What your teacher said about putting a happy mask on, I really don't think its a good idea. It might help you seem more approachable or joyful, but ignoring and pushing away your emotions is not going to make you feel any better.

You are not destroyed, unfixable, broken or lifeless. You are worthy. You deserve to feel happy. You are important. Death isn't a holiday at the beach, its a permanent thing, impossible to undo and not enjoyable for anyone at all.

Are you receiving any professional help? If not, reaching out to someone is a good first step. Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) are really good listeners and Lifeline (13 11 14) are also great. Are you willing to talk to your family or any other teachers/counsellors at school?

Your life sounds pretty tough but just know there are brighter hopes for the future. Things can and will get better.

Hope some of this helps,

idek