My life is in shambles - im trying to fix it but i need help

[Puddless]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I don't really feel like i have anywhere else to turn to.

INTRO 

Im currently in my fourth year at university studying a law degree at a Go8 uni, i have a steady job as a paralegal at a corporate law firm but I just feel like i'm wasting my life. In my first 1.5-2years of uni, i was really social, went to all the parties etc... However, i've never really been that great at making long-lasting friends. I've lost most of my uni friends over the last 4 years and I really struggle to build bridges with these old-friends because I barely see them anymore and they just expect me to be really distant with them. 

 To cap it all off, 2 years ago, I failed one of my uni subjects and that just really sent my life down the drain and I haven't been able to get up since (unfortunately im one of those people whose world explodes if i get a bad mark). When i found out i had failed that subject, i started thinking up ways to commit suicide but I was too afraid... In the end i guess that's a good thing but for the last 2 years, i've basically stagnated. I've been getting very mediocre marks, making very few friends, going out very little. Even my parents are concerned, they just don't know what to do about it.

 MY PROBLEM

The worst part is that I know this is not me. I like getting out there and meeting people. For the last 2 years, I go to work or uni and come home. No socialising in between. Then when I get home, i literally just play computer games. At some point, I had racked up over 80 hours of games in 2 weeks. It's not that I particularly like computer games, it's just i had nothing else to do. 

 I made an effort this year and joined a youth orchestra and a soccer club but my lack of social experience over the last 1.5 years just makes it so difficult.

MY FRIENDS

I do still have 4-5 good high school friends but I feel they're just so wrong for me. They just want to play sport and drink. So our bonding time is basically at night clubbing... and it's just really boring. I want new friends, but I don't know how to find new friends considering I have so few in the first place.

 GIRLFRIEND

What's worse is that i've just got a girlfriend, but I don't know how to break to her that my social life is basically non-existent? Should I do this? 

I really want to get my life back on track. I've deleted all my computer games, started doing more fitness but what I really want is just some good friends who i can talk to.

Apologies if this is waaay too long, I also have a lot of trouble with social anxiety which is why I have trouble making new friends. I know it may not necessarily read like it, but I am really unhappy with the way my university life has turned out. I was reading through message trails i had with friends 4 years ago when i started and I've only realised how sad my life has been for the last 2 years. I now have 2 years left to change this and I would appreciate any help!
 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Puddless,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to BeyondBlue.

It sounds like you’re going through a lot at the moment so I’m glad that you commented,
and I find it personally interesting that you’ve divided up your thread into
sections.  I think this helps show just how committed you are to getting help and moving yourself forward.

Please remember though, that even though we’re getting a bigger picture of you, we’re
not getting a complete picture – so there’s nothing on here that can replace going to see a GP or Therapist directly. I think it would be helpful especially if you have had suicidal thoughts in the past.

The biggest thing that jumps out to me is your difficulty with university subjects and how your social life (and happiness) changed after you failed a subject.  Have you spoken to your university lecturers about this?  Are you going to re-take the subject?

With your friends, maybe you could have a chat to them about some suggestions to do. You
said that they want to play sport and drink. Maybe you could just play sport with them? Or see if there are some of those 4-5 friends that can broaden your social circle?  Often drinking and night clubbing can be a social thing, so suggesting other alternatives or trying to connect more closely with 1-2 might be a better option.  In terms of meeting new friends however – this might be about taking advantage of the university social events or chatting to the person you sit next to in lectures.

Hope this helps a little -

Take care,

[Puddless]

Thanks for your reply. Just being able to say this stuff makes me feel a lot better even if I am posting anonymously on the internet. I've been living in denial for the last two years and i'm too scared and embarrassed to actually open up to someone so it's nice to know there's someone out there listening.

In terms of what has happened, I already retook the subject I failed and got 68 (credit) in the subject. When I failed, i got 37. I wasn't really happy about either mark, but hey that's life and i got out of it what i put in. I've always been a slacker. It's not that i'm dumb - i've just never been able to motivate myself to work hard at academics. Combined with that fail, my mediocre marks became extremely mediocre marks. I just find it so hard to motivate myself to do well. As a result, it's extremely difficult to find work in the legal field. I made probably around 100 applications for paralegal positions in a year (that was a lot for me) and I didn't get a single interview - because of my marks. That cemented my view that I was a loser and I stopped applying for all jobs. I think I was basically unemployed for about 1 year - with some casual work at uni - not really enough to be a stable income.

 About my current friends, I have 1 good uni friend who i see twice a week - but he is completely disinterested in getting more involved with uni because he lives in campbelltown. As to my school friends, I'm beginning to realise how we're not really good friends, but were forced together because of school. It's really hard to hold conversations with them and I've only just realised how different our interests are. Furthermore, two of those friends are starting to peel away from me. In all honesty, I'd probably say the amount of times i've been out with them this year has probably been below 20 (that's my sad definition of good friends). 

Honestly, sometimes i want to cry because I've unnecessarily made life so hard for myself. I've had all the opportunity in the world and I've squandered it. I'm also really concerned about my girlfriend as well because i'm pretty sure she suspects that I have very little social life.

 At this point, I don't know her well enough to know how she would react if I told her about all this. I think it will all come out in the next week or two though as I can't really stand hiding this from her. We've only been going out for a month as well....

 I would be happy if there are any responses. I just need someone to talk to

[Puddless]

Sorry if these threads are waaaay too long but I have to get this out...

About my personality, I can be very outgoing and very socially awkward at the same time. I don't think i'm a dislikeable person but for some reason, building friendship isn't something that comes naturally. In my first year, I managed to meet most people in my cohort (about 300) so we all know each other. But I feel through the years, as i've become colder and more distant, they've learned to expect that from me. They've also formed their own groups and so I find it reaaaaaally hard to break into these groups without appearing like a complete loner.

I am doing better this year and I have formed decent relationships with people but I can't really see them becoming strong friendships... well because everyone is growing up and getting jobs and etc.... I definitely will join societies and clubs next year, but next year is a long way away. I don't know how I can get through summer

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Puddless,

Thanks for reaching out to us.

It sounds like there’s a lot going on for you right now so I’m glad you messaged us again, but I think it might be really helpful for you to reach out and talk to somebody.  Have you considered talking to your GP/psychologist about how you’re feeling and what’s been going on for you lately?  This way a psychologist will be able to work with you 1:1.  Not only this, but they are also trained in all aspects of mental health, so rather than giving suggestions/experience - you can find support that can really help you.

 I also want you to really think about it just because unfortunately on the forums it's very easy for
threads to get 'lost' and it makes me sad when this happens.  So I really want to encourage you to find someone who you can talk to.  I can also see from your threads that you’re feeling pretty down and talking pretty negatively about your life so finding someone who you can talk to directly can be pretty helpful.
 
One thing that might be useful in the meantime is trying to challenge the assumptions that you have.

For example, you talked about friendships (or lack of) but friendships don’t determine your self-worth.  Some people might not have friends and others might have 20 and yet both can be happy.  I personally only have a couple of long-distance friends who I text and go on Facebook with and this works for me.  If broadening your social circle is important to you, then there are ways around that. You do not need to wait until next year to join social circles – making friends can be as simple as sitting next to someone at lunch or striking up a conversation in the library. 

(1/2)

[romantic_thi3f]

You also talked about not being employed because of your marks, but how do you know this is true? Did the HR department tell you that? Reality is that often there can be a number of different reasons why our application isn't chosen. I know when I was applying for jobs I applied for about 150 in a year - and I hadn't done a degree.  Your marks are only one part of your Resume and there are
so many other things that come out and shine through; like your personality, how you react/respond to interview questions, how you talk about your experience and how you'd be a fit to the team/position.  You are always welcome to ask for feedback that can give you better knowledge on what you can do for next time.

I hope this helps a little. I know that you’re struggling + I’m sorry that you’re in this situation but that doesn’t mean this can’t turn around for you.  Best advice is to accept where you are at and what you can do now. 

 Take care

 (2/2)

[Puddless]

thanks for the reply. I'm honestly just happy that there are people here who I can talk to. Being able to open up like this has actually been so motivating (honestly, throughout my posts it sounds like i'm going through so many moodswings). Since I first posted, it's actually motivated me soooo much to change my life. I actaully already feel so much happier at the moment. I've actually make plans to tell one of my close friends about my problems and hopefully he will be able to help me out and broaden my social circle. I'm really appreciative for the great work that Beyondblue is trying to do and is doing. I don't know if I will get out of this situation but heres hoping for something positive!

I appreciate what you have all said about getting professional help but I don't think i'm brave enough to do that yet. I will see if my friend can help me first.

Note: I do recognise that marks aren't everything. However, the job market in the legal industry is over-saturated at the moment. So all law firms, big or small, are generally looking for applicants with a high WAM/GPA. My resume has a lot of work experience as well as extra-curriculars, but when the marks don't cut it, it's very difficult to find work.​ At the moment, i'm very lucky to be working in the legal industry at a boutique law firm. So for now, I will try build up from there.

I believe I do interview well and about 80% of the jobs i've interviewed for, i've got the job (that being said, i've only worked about 3-4 jobs so far).