My life is an never ending trainwreck.

[Dzartovian94]

I seem to lack anyone in my life that understands the anger I feel towards everything. My anger motivates me and keeps me going because really I don't have anything else.

At the age of 23, you would think that someone would be involved in their life and have the world open to them. But I have nothing.

I survived cancer at the age of 4 and that started my downhill slide, I later was diagnosed again at 7 and underwent another 2 years of chemo. This stole so many opportunities from me, I can no longer have kids, my growth was stunned and my left arm is extremely damaged. During year 12, my mother had a stroke and my grandfather died, within weeks of my exams, my ATAR turned out rubbish. Got into an average university and developed an anxiety disorder from some repressed issues, my father having heart surgery and being the primary carer for my mother and my two younger sisters. My university grades suffered and my GPA is useless. I've been trying to find work for the last 10 months and I've had no luck, recently went for a call centre job and didn't even get that due to the fact that my typing speed is so slow because of my damaged arm.

I am so angry and frustrated that I feel like a complete loser, no one seriously cares about me at all. I hate everything, society, people, school, work, etc, it's all just a dehumanising. I've always had people in my way and they seemingly just don't want to let me be, I can't be myself in any environment because if I was, no one would tolerate me. As a short white man, society hates me and sees me as expendable.

I get that everyone's life is hard and we all suffer in different ways but seemingly everyone gets a break or something? I've helped people all my life but now I'm worse off and I'm stuck. I don't want to go back to university for no job prospects/more debt, I can't get a job because of my physical limitations/grades/lack of experience.

On top of all that, I'm not a people person, I hate emotional thinking and frankly don't want to be bothered suffering because of other people's drama. All my life I've been told to change for other people. I don't care about other people, no one has ever helped me or asked if I was okay, why should I care?

Im not going to hurt myself because I don't believe in being a coward and frankly I value my life. Heck, I could run this whole planet if I was given the chance, but of course that isn't confidence, that's egotistic.

I really hate society.

[Croix]

Dear Dzartovian94~

I'd like to welcome you here, I can't promise it going to be a wonderful place to be, or answer all your problems, I can say is populated with people that try for others. The do so because they have had hard times and want to ease others' loads if they can. That makes them feel better too.

I read all the things that have happened to you wiht dismay, you have had sharp edges all hte time. I do understand hte anger a little, it's kept me alive when invalided out of my career, its kept me going in other areas too, hte death of my partner - even something relatively trivial like giving up smokes.

I also saw that you have looked after your mum and sisters, that you feel for the death or illness of loved ones. May I ask how you get on with you mum, sisters and other family?

You also try, schooling,uni, job seeking and other things too I'd expect. Incidentally you may have had an escape not getting into a call center. The people I know who have been in them, including my offspring, have found them stressful in the extreme.

Some people get breaks, I've had some. Who knows the future. For the now what do you like? You have listed so much that is truly bad about your life. Can you talk of anything you have enjoyed? Books, computer games, music, pets ... I don't know, just guessing.

I've been rescued by things I've enjoyed. It started with books. When I was in a very bad state in hospital, psych ward, with concentration gone to pieces I started to read again. Frankly as an escape. I had to start with adolescent fantasy, and even then it took me a while to read each page. But my concentration improved and as time went on the difficulty and scope of my reading expanded greatly.

Life took me in unexpected directions. I ended up an educator, not something I'd ever thought I'd do.

I simply cannot see how anyone could regard you as a loser. You have overcome so much, have sense, can care, and have the energy of anger to help. You need less sharp edges in your life, which is why I asked about things you might enjoy.

I'd be pleased if you came back and talked some more

Croix

[Dzartovian94]

Thanks for the reply.

I do enjoy video games, politics, philosophy, art and history but I feel that they are just coping mechanisms for me to distract myself from how I feel about everything is around me.

My family relationship is rubbish. My mother is abusive, my sisters are sycophants. I have all the responsibility but no authority and so I'm left cleaning up messes that I didn't cause. My father works 60 hours a week and has "checked out" as I'm his only communication point in the house.

Today for the first time in a business environment, I opened my mouth. I spoke about what I feel and what I want and of course, I was attacked for it. It was almost heretical to say that I don't believe in empathy and positivity, as they are simply biased viewpoints used by people to enforce their will over others.

I did find people who feel the same way, but that was only a sample of my ideas. I'm thinking about writing a fiction novel akin to Harry Potter, about the hardship that young men like myself encounter just to be accepted in a society that frankly doesn't want you to be accepted.

I kind of regret that it has taken me so long to discover my masculinity and my passion/anger for injustices but I'm at the point of my life that I'm constantly told that I'm not good enough by people who have not sacrificed one tenth of what I have and yet they have the audacity to judge me?

That makes me really angry.

[Croix]

Dear Dzartovian94~

Well I'm glad there are things you can enjoy, though I'm not sure I agree with you when you say they are just coping mechanisms that distract. Frankly I think that is good. To have things that offer temporary escape from life's harshness and feeling good is necessary for a balanced life. I don't mean you use the to hide, so you do not even acknowledge what is wrong, obviously that would not be good.

I also think it has another aspect, when you are rewarding yourself your mind gets to realize you are worthy of such reward - you deserve it. Dunno if that makes much sense.

There's a lot of merit in the Harry Potter books, not just kid's stories, and if you were able to do something along those lines it would be a great thing, both for you and the readers. Have you attempted writing before? There are a lot of how-to sites for starting novelists, sort of like writer's workshops.

Some people are too good at judging, and the ones that judge most I've found are the ones who are too removed to understand and do not put in the effort. You've probably noticed from reading threads here if people have had hardship or similar experiences there is no judgment, just understanding and a desire to help.

Finding your nature and abilities at any age is a real blessing, sadly many never do. do you think in time you might take your feelings about justice further, becoming active in any particular field?

Croix

[Dzartovian94]

So I've taken some time to think about what I can do and what opportunities I have and I've really gotten to the point of just losing all motivation. My education is ruined, my physical body is restricted ever so slightly that I'm uncompetitive and frankly, seeming no one gives a shit about me therefore I'm screwed.

I recently made it to the final segment of a grad program, I managed to get 99% on the congnative testing, cleared the digital interview and did really well during the group interview, however I ended up not getting the job because "I didn't fit the culture and would not thrive in the organisations environment". What kind of an excuse is this? What subjective nonsense is this? If there was something I did wrong, tell me, don't give me useless generic feedback.

I don't understand how society functions anymore? I get the fact that I'm flawed and make mistakes, but do I not get a brake? Like ever?How do people who actively make mistakes or a follow the crowd or behave like degenerates get opportunities and support, but someone like me, who helps other people, doesn't hurt anyone and is probably the most well meaning and behavioured person on this rock, get absolutely nothing.

Like at this point, I would consider myself a misanthrope. I've never had help with anything in my life (outside of family) and I just hate people. I've never been given empathy by others but I'm expected to care about everyone else? I refuse to do so, if that means I'll never find employment, I really don't care.

I do see a job councillor every couple of weeks, while it's nice to have a conversation and discuss my frustration but it is ultimately useless. I can talk and explain why I think/feel this way, but it isn't like it's going to change.

What are my options? Go back to uni and start again? I can't compete in any field so what is the point? I don't have the time or the money to waste. Work? If I could find a job where I'm allowed to be myself? Clearly doesn't exist. Sit at home and do nothing? I'm wasting my life and the potential money I've missing out on is making me even more angry.

I am not passionate about anything, I don't want to mix with people, I don't want to travel and I don't have the money or networks to do anything else? So I'm clearly screwed beyond all belief and frankly after reflecting it on, I've been screwed since I was born.

Im not going to hurt myself or anything like that, I didn't survive cancer twice to do that. Not that it means anything.

[Croix]

Dear Dzartovian94~

Well you have a fair amount to be angry about, not getting the grad program was a disappointment, though if you will excuse me for saying so you are angry now, and maybe a bit of that leaked out during the selection process. I agree the reasons given were pretty vague.

Reading what you have written I think you have pretty high expectations of yourself, I don't mean they are unrealistic, just that if that applies to most of the things you do then you end up under a lot of pressure.

If you remember I was asking about the sorts of things you could enjoy that are not linked to achievement or anything that important. You mentioned a few things from video games to art. Do you think now might be a good time to do something you might enjoy just for enjoyment's sake?

I know, you probably think I'm a bit one-eyed about such things -well maybe, however a contrast in life really has helped me, and I'd hope it does the same for you. Thinking of all the shortcomings in life too often is not good, even if those thoughts are based on fact.

I honestly don't think you are screwed, there are all sorts of things that can happen. When I was invalided out of my occupation I thought that too. In time however other doors opened, both to occupation and a partner. It so easily can happen.

Croix