My introduction to anxiety

[Prufrock]

Hi All 🙂

I'm new to all this, and to anxiety. Well to mental illnesses at all. One month ago today my Gran died of Liver Cancer, she was an incredible human being and has left a whole in my world. I have never lost anyone especially close to me so this struggle I've being going through has been as much about accepting Gran's death as it is about death itself. Sorry if this post is long... but I think it will help to let it out a bit. I have read other posts and incredibly after fighting this anxiety for a month this has been the first thing to make me feel normal. So, thank you. Anxiety has a way of making you feel very alone in the world. 

So I guess this is my story: I spent a lot of time with my Gran throughout her 9 month illness, especially towards the end. I saw her suffer and that's something I will never forget. I sat by her side for 5 days and 4 nights after she was put into a coma. I waited and even wished for her death, so eventually after watching her gasp for breath for 5 days she passed peacefully I thought i would be relieved. Instead I felt numb. Totally numb for 3 days. On the Sunday after I felt sick after eating and suddenly was overcome by the fear of throwing up. I had to leave the room because I couldn't control my shaking in front of my parents. Later that night I felt like I wasn't breathing properly, then suddenly I couldn't really breath at all. I had chest pains and sweats and shakes. Naturally I googled my symptoms. Among the reasonable explanations on the page I saw 'Heart Attack'. Game over until 4 am. I was beside myself all night genuinely believing I was going to die. The next day I saw a GP and was told I had been having anxiety or panic attacks following the traumatic experience the week before. Incredibly I still didn't really believe the doctor. Sometimes I still don't. Especially in the mornings. God I hate mornings now. That may be the worst thing about this anxiety; feeling like I've lost myself. I'm just not sure if I will ever be the same again. That scares me. But I haven't had an attack in 3 days! Whoop! Although I still have anxiety at times during the day. I guess now it's just about finding my way back? Or is that unrealistic? 

Thanks for listening... or reading more like! Have a good day and be kind to yourselves xx

[PatT]

Hi there prufrock,

I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your loss and all the anxiety it has caused you but there is always recovery down the road if we work towards it. Most of my childhood and adulthood has been characterised by fluctuating bouts of anxiety and depression, most of it for no reason. I know that when I do certain things (exercise, reading, meditation, staying on my meds, socialising, sleeping well) then my symptoms massively decrease. You need to make sure you're taking good care of your mental health by doing the recommended things.

I have great faith you can find your way back, everyone can. It just takes some time and effort.

[Kazzl]

Hi Prufrock - I'm sorry to hear about your Gran. What a wonderful support you must have been to her. I bet she loved you so much and you made her very proud. Sadly, nothing replaces a Gran. They are special people. I lost mine a long time ago but you know, she's still with me - in how I think, how I treat people, how I try to be brave (she was a very brave and bold lady). Your Gran will be with you always in the same way.

I'm glad you've talked to your GP about the anxiety, and I hope this might a one-off or rare event for you, related to the terrible grief you must be feeling now. Please stay with us if it helps you to talk, you are very welcome here.

Best wishes, Kaz

PS: I have to ask ... Prufrock as in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock? One of my favourite poems - read it in school and it's never left me. 

[Prufrock]

Haha yeah it is! I read it in school too and it has become my favourite poem. It's beautiful and always relatable- I'm so glad someone else was moved by it 😄

[Kazzl]

Yes it is very relatable. When I'm feeling my age I often say (to people's bemusement)  'I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear my the bottoms of my trousers rolled'. 😀

You've inspired me to ferret through my dusty bookshelves and find my Eliot compendium. Thank you!

[blondguy]

Hi Prufrock and Welcome to the site!

My sincere apologies for the loss of your gran...

A month is not a long time...her passing I mean....It might as well be 5 minutes ago. An understandably emotional and difficult time for you. This is only my experience with anxiety and hopefully may be a help to you...

* I generally avoid using the term 'illness'...It is awful and the symptoms ugh..Its just a disorder or just anxiety

* The symptoms are scary however after a while they do lesson in severity

* Very very good move seeing your GP..Nice1...and even if you dont have to go..see her/him again..

* You are reaction is due to the sad loss of your nan..your GP is spot on

* You posting and finding BB helpful is also a big achievement. Well done...

* You are not only strong but intelligent as well. You articulated your thoughts very well

* It would be great and let us know how you are going...

* You are also helping other people just by posting...People who aren't confident in posting will be helped by your input when they read your posts and any further posts you can make Pru (if you wish of course)

* I think you have a lot to offer here Pru...

* This is a very supportive and genuinely caring site and feel free to write and nag us as much as you wish 🙂

Be 'Gentle' to Yourself Prufrock you have made great progress with your anxiety already by posting

Paul

[Fairywings]

Hi gorgeous girl no none of this sounds unrealistic believe me u will find your way back. After loosing my grandmother too whom i was very close to and stayed by her beside until the very end is an experience that will only make you stronger with time.  Allow yourself to grieve it will help you heal emotionally. Being very spiritual myself i believe if you speak to her this will help to put you at ease and when you are feeling anxious or feel like you are going to loose urself open up your heart to god and ask him to take it all away for you.  Prayer does wonderful things you'd be amazed and his angels will listen. Stay strong sweety and you will beat this.  Xx