My first girlfriend broke up with me, but its so confusing

[OBJ13]

Hi. 18 year old male. My girlfriend of 11 months who is 17 broke up with last friday and ive been an absolute mess. The situation doesnt make sense to me. Like she told me it was because it didnt feel the same as when we first started dating and said she couldnt see us together anymore. This was such a shock to me as all the times we were together she was really happy and so was i. Im a great guy ive always been considerate , polite and caring and all that. We never fought about anything to serious only little silly stuff. And she said that me and her could still be good friends and catch up and that i could call her if i ever need anything and i said the same too. It just doesnt make sense as she was saying that she hates herself for making the decision as she knows im a great guy. The day we broke up we spent all day hugging eachother and crying because we were both so upset. By the end of the day me and her went and got some food to cheer us up abit and that car ride felt like nothing was even happening. When i dropped her back i have her the biggest hug and we even had one last proper kiss. And as i left she was saying that its not a good bye but a see ya later. I know she cares about me still and has love for me because i could see that in our phone all a few days later. So me and her are meeting up tomorrow for a chat because we were to upset on the day she broke it off to really explain things. Im so nervous to see her tomorrow because im just so afraid of the fact ill never get to be with her again. Its so much harder because shes my first love and i am hers too. She is finishing grade 12 soon so i thought maybe shes just abit confused in life atm. I really do love her and i know you hear that all the time with first loves but it just doesnt seem real and im just confused as she said ive done nothing wrong and its just her feelings. She did say a while back that dating would be easier after she leaves school. But im just finding it hard to be without her. Before i met her i was abit of a loner and only really played sport and worked out and when i met her it felt amazing and she helped me alot getting through graduating high school. And she really just made me so happy and she told me that id made her so happy and that she couldnt believe she found such a great guy. So thats why im really confused and upset. Like we dont hate eachother or nothing were on really good terms and still gonna be in eachothers lives and be there for eachother

[Quercus]

Hi OBJ13 and welcome to the forums!

The first break up is always the worst. I think everyone reading can remember how confusing and defeating it feels. Thank you for reaching out here for support.

I have been in your friend's shoes once and if it's ok I'll share something in the hope it helps you.

I was dating a lovely young man once. Like you I suppose... He was wonderful. But I wasn't in love. He was my friend. I loved him but it was almost like a brother. So I broke it off because it wasn't fair to him or me.

My mistake... We stayed close friends. Like you and your friend. I foolishly wanted the same relationship... Just without the sex. That was selfish. And cruel.

It gets worse. I slept with him. And realised painfully he was hopeful all over again. So I made the boundaries clear. He had one night stands that made him hate himself. And I realised that was my fault. As long as I was in the picture he wasn't going to form an emotional connection with another woman. Any potential women saw me as a threat. So that left him with empty casual relationships that made him so unhappy.

So I walked away. Backed off completely. Encouraged him to spend time with other friends. Encouraged his sport. Backed off from our group of friends to let him have the support he needed without my influence. Was welcoming to his new love and kept away to make her feel secure. And he was fine. And happy. Very happy. Like you will be in time. Sounds cliche maybe. Unhelpful to you now when you are hurting. But true. So true.

My advice to you is space and time. You cannot be her friend right now. It's not fair or healthy to you. Be selfish. Demand space. If she is truly a friend to you she will understand and respect you. If it is love it will happen but right now... You need to protect yourself. Put yourself first of all. Reach out to other people in your life and keep busy doing what you enjoy. Meet new people. And most of all demand boundaries and time and space from her.

This is just my experience do what is right for you. But please protect and take care of yourself OBJ13.

Feel free to talk more if it helps you.

Nat

[james1]

Hello OBJ13,

Welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry to hear about the mess that's been happening since last Friday.

I hope you don't mind if I share my own story with you?

I'm 25 now and I went out with my first girlfriend from about year 9 to year 12. I still remember the devastation when she said we needed to break up. I struggled big time for a while, then eventually I had a think and I realised I'd grown up so much - just like you. Good partners often make us better people.

I never thought I'd meet anyone else.

Fast forward two years and I met this lovely quiet girl in uni. We dated for 4 years and it broke down last year. Same thing - heartbroken, then acceptance, then a learning phase.

I have no idea what tomorrow will be like for you. It could go any way.

You know those stories which just reach an end? You get to the end and you just know there's nothing further. It's a bit like that. And it's sad, but particularly so because there was never anything wrong with the story. Just...the author had nowhere to go with it.

So my only suggestion is to keep an open mind when you meet tomorrow. Don't go in with an agenda to change her mind because that never goes well in the long term. The more open you are, the easier the conversation will go. She ended it on her terms - it's up to her to pick it back up again. She may want to, or she may not.

It's really hard, but the balls out of your court. You're a good guy, and she sounds pretty amazing too. It sounds like you've both gotten a lot out of the relationship up till now, and that's a good thing for you both as individuals.

James

[OBJ13]

Hi james, thanks for your imput its nice to know people can relate and give there 2 cents. Im going to go into tomorrow being abit more optimistic and just see what happens . Your right the ball isnt in my court so im gonna respect what she says because she does mean alot to me and we do have such a special bond and id rather keep her around as a friend then lose her as i still care about her. The thing that just makes this so hard at the moment is because id always go to her to talk about my feelings and she always knew what to say and vice versa . She said i can comtinue to go for her for that support . But with this situation i cant really go to her for comfort. So thats what im really struggling with

[OBJ13]

Hi nat . I understand where your story is coming from. Im not going to force the idea of her coming back or anything . Im just going to go into tomorroe just being honest and explain my feelings and im sure she will too and that will kinda help. I dont think its possible for me and my ex to cut contact completely as we also just have a strong respect for eachother and genuinely care about eachothers lives. It might be a while untill me and her are on track as friends but im willing to power through that as her still being in my life is important . Thanks very much for your thoughts

[james1]

Hello OBJ,

I'm glad to hear you're going to try and go in and see what happens. I think you're right that it's best not to rely on her for support. While it's hard, now is the best time to start building your support networks again whether in us, the support lines and definitely other friends.

Hope it goes well today.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey there OBJ13

sorry to hear about the troubles and the pain you've been going through lately.

tbh it sounds like you are on a good path atm with it though and rather than it turning into a fight between the two of you, you are mature enough to figure it out.

It actually reminds me a bit about an experience I had a with a friend from first year uni. I was crushing like mad on this friend of mine and we were really close and eventually it came to pass that she found out i was keen on her. At that time she was involved with someone else. Rather than it become a sh*tfight and let it ruin the friendship, we moved on. She is one of my closest friends and I can trust her with anything.

Another example from a year or so back isn't as good. It basically ruined what friendship I had with her. It was always awkward after that and I no don't talk to her. We didn't fight or anything, it was just too strange/awkward.

The third example was bad. Very bad. It ended abruptly when I was too immature and deleted her off facebook without actually talking to her for a long time. I ended up having an argument with her over text and then basically blocked her after that. She also thought mental illness wasn't really a thing.

I guess those 3 examples show you how different people can be in all sorts of scenarios and that no 2 people are the same.

There is hope OBJ13. I hope you and this girl can remain good friends 🙂

[OBJ13]

Hi everyone just thought id post for abit of an update. Yesterday was soo good me and her met up i took her for lunch and to the arcade and we played games together and was really fun she was happy and i made her laugh and all that . It felt like normal between us . So its definitely not awkward between us at all. We ended up going back to her house and i started to cry again and so did she. I told her how i felt and what ive been going through and if there was a way to get back together . She said that the only reason it ended was because she just lost feelings in a relationship way. She still wants me in her life and cares alot about me . Like you could really tell she cared and she said she hates seeing me upset and crying . We talked about the good times abit and just tried to cheer ourselves up . She told me she had a good fun day with me. She said shes not going anywhere and that shes always gonna be around. She went to messege a few times in the past week but didnt coz she thought it would upset me. So i said that she can text or call and dont hesitate and she said okay. Like i literally cant cut contact with her . Its harder for me when i dont talk to her . Shes the best thing that ever happend to me and i love her so much. She also just said that like she is abit too young for a committed relationship but yeah im hopefull that me and her can work our way back somtime in future as i just think her being at end of grade 12 just wants to party with friends . I just miss her like crazy . Me and her have such a special bond and we both just care about eachother so much. She told me that me and her are exactly the same just without the relationship part. I told her that ivlost 4 kg in the past week because my loss of appetite and she started crying and was upset coz she said it was her fault that i did it and stuff . Which it isnt . Ive just had a hard time with this as she means the world to me and i care about her soo much. I found it hard to leave her house yesterday . And we were just cuddling and hugging eachother and she kept giving me kisses on my cheek and stuff like you could tell she really cares about me . She told me that shes gonna need my help getting through next year being about of school . I just hope it could work between us when shes out of school . She did tell me months back that it would be easier if she wasnt in school. So i just hope somthing can happen in future because shes literally perfect and our bond is too strong

[james1]

Hello OBJ,

It sounds like you did welll to keep it together yesterday and also to be honest with how you feel. Good on you. It sounds like it was a pretty tough conversation, especially to hear that she just didn't have the same feelings for you in terms of romantically.

It is probably best now to mentally step back and have a think about how you want to approach this. It is totally reasonable for you to take time out if you need to, because from what she's said, the two of you shouldn't and won't be getting back together any time soon.

My previous gf of 4 years also fell out of love and, unfortunately, we just had too much history to stay friends. But even if we did, I would've needed time apart to get over her as well. It's too unhealthy to have a friendship when one person wants to take it further and is even semi-planning for it, while the other just isn't interested in that.

So I am a little bit worried about the word "hope" which you used at the end there. In relationships, that'll just cause you a lot of pain, and most likely for no real gain. Instead, cherish the very good friendship you have, and think about how best to develop that, rather than try to steer it towards a romantic relationship.

Sending you my best wishes. I just had a break-up last night, so totally get where you're coming from right now.

James