My boyfriend has depression

[Teagan_rose]

Im needing help. My boyfriend and I have known eachother for nearly 2 years and have been dating for 15 months. He had a really rough child hood, raised around drugs. Bullied in school and a rough step dad with barley any support. He had depression before we started dating and he said he had depression since he was 15 (now nearly 21) but it seemed good, like he was always active, extrovert, funny and just fun to be around. But about 5 months into the relationship things were changing, he was becoming upset alot easier. I got worried and thought it was something to do with me. So i asked. He said that its his depression because hes never cared for anyone before and I'm his first. I didn't think anything too drastic of it because its his depression and he knows it better than I do. But then it got worse. I was getting bullied, stressing and getting sick. Then i could no longer try and help or deal with his emotions especially after his 20th birthday, his family completely neglected it.. Fights started to become a regular occurrence. I couldn't take it, i would cry all the time. Worried for the relationship and my well being i went and got check ups and seen a Councillor. I tried to encourage him to try and do something to help himself. He stopped dancing which was something that took away his pain, but he wouldn't.

 Because i could no longer help him without getting upset and annoyed he shut himself off a lot. Then i felt i was expected to know things when he wouldn't tell me. It was getting to me and i would try and break it off, he said he relied on me too much and said he shouldnt be here if we arent together, i stayed and encouraged a fresh start with a clean slate. Its getting easier as i am becoming stronger but im still concerned about him and our relationship weather we will even be together. His depression takes over him and he isnt happy where he is living and the job he is in. So hes trying to move to the next town and get another job. But im scared. I need some advice to help him and our relationship as i love him too much. I made a promise card for him to show i am NOT going anywhere. But i am just worried for his happiness. I couldn't live with out him, like it would drive me insane, hes done so much for me, always trying to make me happy first. And i know he loves me and cares for me sooo much but his depression is bringing any hope of his happiness down.. Please help.

[white knight]

Hi Teagan rose, welcome

You can help him with all your might but there is a limit and from there he has to help himself.

There is also a hint in your post that he is suggesting suicide if he isn't with you. Let me be clear about this to you and all our good readers- there is absolutely no excuse for emotional blackmail. IT is plain WRONG to do it. It is threatening the ultimate sacrifice for a gain of some sort. It is manipulation.

Often people assume the depressed are behaving odd towards them so they straight away think "oh, it must be his depression" when often, if they didn't have depression it would be immediately assumed it's a relationship issue. So in your case you haven't been together all that long and you are still getting to know each other. You could well have only relationship issues not aligned to mental illness.

I would pursue the counselling avenue. If he doesn't want to go then go there yourself. If he asks what you talked about there tell him nicely that if he wanted to know he should have come along and that he can go with you next time. If he loves you he will do these things with you to help work things out. Tough love- he needs some. You need to make harder decisions rather than be afraid of upsetting him.

Some of the issues you mentioned he has like his family issues and his employment are really his issues to deal with. It is fine supporting him but you need to draw a line on getting too involved. You have your own daily issues to deal with and taking on the worry of his issues also...no wonder you are crying a lot. Worry is unproductive, it doesn't help at all.

We can at times become desperate with our partners. Worried about the next day and if he loves me or not etc. We can worry about his illness but while he doesn't do anything about it then you fall ill with worry and develop depression also. You'll pay a price for him not tackling his own responsibilities.

Love goes through many tests over the years. One of them is if the love is mutual, whether he will do for you what you would expect him to do. Expectations are dangerous to have. too many and he will go running. But basic expectations should always be there for a committed relationship. One of them is to put your mind at ease by seeking help for his illness and guidance via counselling.

You can let him read this if you desire. If he does then I ask him to man up and face his demons. Running from them and he might well survive, but alone..

Tony WK