Mum won't stop trying to get me to want children even though I'm not interested (+ closeted trans)

[birdleirdle]

Heya. This is my first post here, so uhm. Hi?
So, for context, I am transgender although I'm not sure of the specifics. All I really know is that I'm not (consistently) female, I'm usually nonbinary, and my gender is somewhat fluid. I'm not out to anybody except a small and anonymous social media group, and I'm not prepared to come out as things stand.

Although I have not really been able to contact a psychologist outside of school, I do show symptoms of anxiety (most notably panic attacks and severe phobias) and the school psychologist agrees that it's likely I could be diagnosed.

My mum is insistent that I will have children when I'm older and won't let me say anything to the contrary. The thought of it honestly sickens me - it's a female thing and to have that very gendered stereotype shoved upon me is rather distressing. It comes up occasionally (once every one or two months) but probably more than it does for other people, and I have never seen her go off at my sisters like she does at me. For example: I said that we should store the dollhouse that for some strange reason sits in my bedroom, and she said
that it would be useful "when have children". I then said that no, I don't think I will, and she rebutted that she didn't want kids when she was my age, she just wanted dolls (said exactly as infantilising as it reads), and I would change my mind when I get older. I did mention the fact that lesbians exist, but I was too nervous to say anything about trans people. Her response to that was that she knows plenty of gay
people with children, just to drive in what she thinks everyone's priority in life is. I felt horrible and experienced massive dysphoria
for days after that incident. I wish I had some disease or something to make me infertile, because maybe then she would leave me alone. Do note that she's forcing this idea of parenthood upon a 16 year old kid (not that it's appropriate to say to anyone in my opinion). She does this nearly every time children come up in conversation.

I don't know if anything can be done. This was more of a vent, really. She just doesn't stop talking about it. It's like she thinks sex and children are everyone's goals in life (never mind aro/ace people or anyone who otherwise doesn't want those sorts of things). Just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I want to use it, but she refuses to respect my decisions, identity and boundaries.

[MaxineC]

Hi birdleirdle, parents hey?

My reading of what's happening is that your mum is in a bit of a state of panic. I'm guessing from what you're saying that being nonbinary and gender fluid, you don't present as typically female, and your mum is reacting against this with the constant talk about children. It's a bit like trying to force young, effeminate boys into sport when their parents notice they're playing with dolls - there's so much in our society about "boys do this" and "girls do this" that parents feel a need to correct you and put you in the "right" box.

Parents can be kinda obsessed about having grandchildren, and they go through a grieving process when they realise it's not going to happen. But just out of interest, do you imagine being a parent in your future? You can of course still have kids and not physically give birth. Is it the idea of parenthood that you don't like, or the idea that your mum is forcing you into a gender role that makes you feel invalidated while you're finding out who you are?

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Do your sisters have kids or have they moved out? Just a hunch, but maybe she's creeping up on empty nest syndrome. You're going to leave home soon, so she wants you to make a baby for her to be involved in caring for?

[birdleirdle]

Thanks for replying!

Frank-n-Furter - Hm. I try to present as genderless as possible (besides the occasional skirt/dress), so that's a decent possibility. I do have some typically female interests though - most notably textiles/clothing design. My parents are very supportive of me and my sisters but it wouldn't be surprising if my mum was horrified about her "pretty little baby girl" not really looking like a girl at all and not being what she expects me to be. I am kinda neutral on parenthood in general and I don't really imagine myself reaching out to adopt - more likely, a partner will want to and I would go along with it - it's more the gender roles implicated that I have issues with.

Vegetarian Marshmallow - One of my sisters has moved out, yes, but neither have kids (they're only 20 and 18, and the 18yo is openly lesbian) and I'm pretty sure neither want them. I doubt I'll move out before 20 as things stand, but it's possible she considers me her only option for grandchildren because my eldest sister would probably have too many health complications (she has arthritis and a number of other issues) and my other sister isn't interested in guys and probably would struggle to get into a relationship due to social issues (which I probably, to a lesser extent, share). Still, I don't think she'd want me to have kids until I'm much older.

[MaxineC]

I think the mystery is solved 🙂 . Your mum is seeing her opportunity to be a nana slipping away, and she is pushing that anxiety onto you by the sounds of things. Maybe try letting her nagging wash over you and see it as an issue that she is dealing with herself, rather than something personal directed at you. I don't think she realises the effect that it's having on you, because she's caught up in her own grief about how she imagined her future would be. What do you think?

[MsPurple]

Such great words of advice has been shared on this forum. Birdleirdle I also wanted to let you know that on the social forums there is a thread called the Rainbow thread. It is for all members of the LGBT+ community and also for allys of the community. There are a few trans and non-binary members on that thread you can also chat to as well.

[birdleirdle]

Frank-n-Furter - Yeah, that sounds about right. If she does go out of her way to bring it up I will still probably end up arguing back but I'll try to point out that if I don't want kids now then I don't, if I do in future then I do. That is, I'll try to take it less personally and be less defensive about it. Thanks!

MsPurple - Ok, I'll check it out! Thanks for telling me about it.