No friends. No family support. Depression. Family divorce.

[Laurenn]

Im 14 years old and in the past 18 months my life went from sunshine and happiness to tears and fear.

I don't know who to turn to. I haven't got many friends and my family don't listen to me. I wish my mum supported me but every time that i try to tell her whats wrong she begins to tell me what I am doing wrong and i loose all self-confidence. I hate the constant reminders that i am not a great person and that i need to change but i struggle so much to change who i am. I hate so much that I can identify what is wrong with me yet i still cannot fix it.

I only have one friend to turn to. Another girl my age who has dealt with issues of her own. Because we got very close people then started to spread rumours that i was a lesbian. I am not homophobic however all we want is a friendship and to have someone to turn to yet whenever the two of us are together people shout negative comments at us. I know its easy to say don't let is bother you but it does. I hate that i let it bother me but when it isn't accepted for me to be happy there is nothing else i can do.

My parents split up recently. I can't turn to my mum because I ALWAYS end up very upset with our relationship and myself. I do not want to turn to my dad though because i don't feel 100% safe around him. Sometimes i feel as if there divorce was my fault. My dad did something extremely wrong which i witnessed. Not only being scared forever, telling my mum was so hard for me. I wonder if i had never let my mum know what he had done they would never have split up. My dads family are very rude too. His parents and siblings (My grandparents and uncles/aunties) are not great people either. my mum used to work in a family business with my dad and grandfather. After being completely kicked out of her job they threatened to take her car. Even little things like going on a holiday with them, my dads brother in law would make jokes about throwing my mum overboard of a boat. As a child i don't want to hear it at all and don't feel comfortable around people like this. I cant get away though because they are my family.

I feel very alone most of the time. Sitting in the school toilets alone is common for me. I spend many lunch breaks doing this. AM I ALONE?

I am lonely but hopefully not alone in the sense that there is someone else out there feeling the same way.

[MsPurple]

HI Laurenn. Sorry you have had to wait a day for a reply. Sometimes us community champions don't have a chance to come on. For me I had work. Hopefully we can be quicker in future

First of all I want to say your parents divorse is not your fault. If your dad did something 'extremely wrong' then it is not your fault. There is no point reflecting on if you told your mum or not. It has been done. I used to think when dad left his second wife (my mum and dad divorsed when I was a toddler and got with another woman a year or so later). I never got along with her and I felt like it was my fault for years. I thought, maybe if I could have ignored her, or just avoided her then maybe they could have stayed together. But I was 14 when they seperated. I was a child. It was not my fault. She was my (and I hate this term) step mum and she should have treated me with kindness, something I didn't get. Through therapy I discovered that my dad and my step mum were never meant to be forever. Whether I lived with my mum full time earlier or not, this divorse would have happened anyways. We make our own destiny and our parents choose their own path, where it leads is up to them, not on someone else.

You say you are 14. Have you head of the youth mental health service called headspace. It is a youth mental health service. I suggest googling it. They are a no/low cost health service for youth 12-25 years old. They have therapists, GP, OT, tutors etc. They are able to talk to you about your divorse or hard time. Whether you have a mental illness or not they are a good bunch of people to chat to for some help and support. I went through them and they really helped me out of a tough time. If this is something you would consider doing look up your local headspace and give them a call. Otherwise you could talk to your school counsellor or GP about your concerns.

You are not alone sitting in the toilets at lunch break. I did it a few times when I felt overwhelmed just needing my own space. I suggest trying to hang out with your friend at lunch or trying to find a tree to sit under. This is probably a more friendly environment and will probably make you feel less isolated then sitting in the bathroom.

I hope this helps. If you want to ask me any questions please feel free to ask. I volunteer with bb because I like interacting with people, answering questions and helping those. I want to pay it forward. Hope you have a lovely weekend 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Laurenn~

I would like to welcome you here and am very glad MsPurple was able to answer your post. She is someone that has been right there and understands.

Unfortunately although you are 14 you have been pushed into the world of adult problems and have to try to cope with them. People of every age - including younger people - all feel just as deeply, hurt just as much, have difficulty knowing what to do and all should be taken very seriously, irrespective of how long they have been around.

I have the feeling you are pretty sensible. You have taken a wise step forward in seeking advice - by coming here. I hope you feel comfortable and find something you need, if only not being lone.

You have put your finger on the basic problem when talking to your mother - she concentrates on trying to fix the negatives she sees in you rather than concentrating on the strengths you have. If you can have a talk with her without it falling over into a blame session could you suggest to her the long-term effects on you (and her) on always dealing with the negatives. That's not to say never suggest improvements but do so from a position of praising and encouraging strengths. It's called 'Positive Parenting'. There are lots of web sites -including Dept. Health - on it.

You can be positive with her too, she has been dealt a terrible blow too and I'm sure is struggling as well. Telling her of your love, understanding and wanting to be there for her might be something to consider.

You recognize the worth of a friend and can see how ugly and cruel people are for saying you are a lesbian. Your friend comes first - of course. There is not real answer to the idiots except to see them as they are. As the person on the spot it's your judgment whether to avoid or complain to school or parent.

In any event I'd see if there was someone you could talk to about your whole situation - school councilor, friendly teacher, Headspace, GP, whatever seems practical to you.

While I'm not sure if you can accept it at the moment the divorce and how your father's family behave is not any fault of yours. You are a sensible person with a fair degree of insight into life. Nobody fixes all their faults, the trick is to like the many good bits about yourself and slowly try to improve as you can.

I hope you feel welcome enough here to come back and keep talking. we will be here and do care

Croix