Me

[error]

if you’re reading this, thank you for your time. i don’t even know where to begin, the fact that i’ve resulted to an online forum has really opened up my eye to realise that i’ve been holding in a lot of things. i can feel the depression the negative thoughts crawling back into my mind, and to think that i was somewhat content with my life. everything’s been going down a slope but that’s just how life is. i lived in a foster home since i was 3 years old, until i started high school. i really hated myself, i don’t even know why till this day, i just feel like i should. i’ve done things in my life that i’m not proud of and of course people make mistakes, i know that. what i have done as a human being, i can’t even speak of, i’m ashamed and i made my own decisions, it’s not excusable. i’ve hurt my friends and loved ones, i’m just a troubled person who is so full of pain and negativity. how do i get rid of it? this is so classic, saying this, i just want to disappear. things would be a lot easier if i could disappear of the face of the earth, away from those around me. i try so hard to be a good person but at heart, i’m not. i hide my true self from the world because i know that if i showed my true colours, i would be a dissapointment. i live such a luxurious life and i’m grateful, people have it worse than me. i feel so much anger for myself, why am i so messed up? why is this my life? can i please do it again? can’t dwell on the past, i know, but i can’t help to feel this way. i’m sorry. my auntys in hospital, she has cancer and doesn’t have long left. idk what to say anything, everythings just messy. i question everything, i don’t know why i’m here. people are fake, no one is genuine or real. they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. society is messed up, we’re the most intelligent specie to have ever existed and we’re our greatest enemy. all we do is cause destruction and harm to ourselves and others. sorry this has been pointless, i really just needed to talk about what’s on my mind. do these thoughts go away?

[quirkywords]

Error

Welcome to the forum, this is a friendly, supportive, honest and nonjudgmental place.

Firstly, do no apologise for your post it is full of meaning and I can feel your pain and through your words. I sense your negativity is because you feel emotions greatly and overthink about the problems of the world and your own.

It seems to me you feel so confused and lost and have many questions. I am someone who questions a lot and sometimes that brings more questions and not an answer.

I think trying to make sense of the world and your own life can be helpful unless it causes confusion or anger.

I can see you are someone who is smart and thinks a lot but this can lead to worrying a lot as well.

I am sad that your aunty has cancer and is in hospital that must be hard for you.

Have you ever imagined what it would be like not have your troubled thoughts?

Have you ever tried talking to a counsellor about your thoughts. ?

If you look through the threads you may find atopic that may interest you, or type overthinking into the search box at top of page. You are not alone. I can relate to some of what you have written.

Thanks again for writing your first post , I am glad you did.

I am just wondering is there something you like doing whether it be art or walking or just sitting in the park.

Post as much as you like, I am interested to hearing from you if you want to.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Error,

OK, now your life might be OK on the outside (I'm guessing here) , but inside is another story. You sound confused and bitter, believe that you are not nice and that if people saw the real you it would be horrible. There's more of course but that will do.

When people are in distress and talk they tend to be honest in what they say, it comes from the heart, and I think you have been talking from the heart here. That's good because another looking at your words can see things you might have overlooked.

First off the mistakes. Yes you may have made them, but each, and the pain and shame it has given you helps show you better. We all, me included, are traveling down that path. If you look at someone and think to yourself they have never done wrong your would be making a mistake. Does not necessarily mean they are bad.

What does show thought is several things. First you are honest with yourself. If you've done something you wished you hadn't you don't gloss over it and pretend, you acknowledge it.

Second you have standards, you appreciate what is right and what is wrong, and aspire to come closer

Third you are a caring person. You talk of hurting friends and those you love, only someone who cares would talk that way. You have an aunty who may pass away. It leaves you not knowing what to say - about half the world has that problem. If you don't mind a suggestion and your auntie is up to it just ask her what she'd like you to talk about. She is still exactly the same person.

I also think you are intelligent and sensitive.

So I'm going to disagree with you , and I've explained why. I think you are a pretty fine person finding you way. Any parent would be proud to have you as theirs. For you to disappear would be so sad, and not necessary.

Do you have anyone you can say at least part of how you feel to?

I'm no doctor and don't really know why you feel so bad. Perhaps that is something a professional might be able to help with - what do you think? You do need to feel better and have a life to enjoy and be content with.

Both Quirky and I would realy like it if you talked some more

Croix

[Terry73]

Hi Error,

I just want to say my lifes story, maybe that will help you.

Although I didnt have the same problems at the start of life as you did (foster home), I somehow managed to find myself at a point where I really wasnt a nice person, maybe it was just the fact that I was just out of school at the time thinking that I was just better than everyone else due to being in a prime time of my life. All the good upbringing in my life was pushed so far aside, it was practically non-existant.

But then I hit a point where you are at right now, where you look back and can honestly say that you havent really been a better person than what you should have been. Your thoughts tend to become very dark, and even suicidal, but believe me when I say this, this is the perfect time for you to change.

This is what I did to get out of it, and become a better person, I looked back, saw what I was doing and realized I had to change as I wanted more out of life. I then thought back to all the good people I had met in my life, and really looked into how they treated others, how they treated me even though I was a "rat bag". I would see how happy they were with life, and how they were motivated to continue to be kind. As I was seeing these things, I then started to focus on doing the same things myself. I changed what priorities I had set in life, instead of the selfishness, I replaced that with caring and compassion for others. I was seeking out peoples smiles and looking to make people happy more, so they would enjoy being around me. I pushed my arrogance aside and started to not worry how others really thought of me, instead only concern myself to making others happy, even if I needed to make a fool of myself to do so at times.

I have been through some pretty rough times after that, and am still going through them, but I manage to get through them, or at least cope with them, because I now feel that I am a good person again, despite mistakes I may have made. If I didnt change back when I did, I know that I wouldnt be on here talking with you, I would have become a nasty statistic, I wouldnt have coped or survived.

What I am trying to say, is dont look back and see only darkness, look back to learn how to get back into the light. Look at the good in your life and repeat it, and head for a happier future

Hope this helps

Terry

[Elle___]

Hey, alot of the stuff you're going through, I haven't experienced before, and I can't even imagine what you're going through. But i do know what it feels like to hurt the people you care about the most, and to feel like you're only a burden in their lives. I know what it feels like to be so ashamed of the pain you've caused to never have spoken about it properly. I've been struggling with depression since I was 13, and i still feel alone and broken and terrible even though I'm on antidepressants. But yes, this society is messed up. People are messy and horrible. But you're not alone. You are not the only one.

[LavenderTea]

Hey error,

It seems like you've been bottling everything up, so I'm glad you can express what you're feeling here.

It sounds like you have a whole lot going on for you, and a whole lot of emotions and thoughts you need to sort through. Have you thought about getting any professional help? It might help you to be able to express these thoughts and emotions with someone in person, in a space that's non-judgemental, and where you can be guided though what you're feeling, in order to sort through it all.

It's hard to break the cycle when you're thinking and believing all of these negative things about yourself, but a large part of psychology and counselling is about identifying these negative beliefs, and challenging them. When we think something bad about ourselves, it influences our emotions and behaviours, and can act as a feedback loop - at some point you need to break the cycle. It can be helpful to right down some of these negative thoughts, and think of realistic things that challenge it. For example, you say that you try so hard to be a good person, but you say you're not, though, by trying to be a good person, it shows that you care enough, which is something a "good" person would do...Start off small, any progress is good progress.

There are a large number of professional services that you can use, such as the Beyond blue call service (1300 224 636) or their online chat/email services, but you can also visit your GP in order to get a referral to a mental health professional... it might be a good starting point.

Hope this helps,

LT.