Friends or a lack thereof

[Kid_J]

I am in a weird spot at the moment. I switch between obliterating apathy, crushing sadness or insatiable rage.

I have no friends, and I am fairly convinced that the only reason my parents even think about me is because I am such a failure. I seem to be unable to find anybody who wants to know me, not that that matters because when I think about it there really is nothing to the creature that is me. I am nothing but a thin veneer of mostly lies with nothing underneath.

It's funny, thinking about it nobody I know has ever had the motivation to get to know me beyond the surface. I seem to be able to get to the root of people quickly, but who knows right? Maybe I am meant to die alone, or maybe my expectations of humanity are too high. Maybe I have a myriad of social issues that make me seem like some kind of insurmountable obstacle to the casual onlooker and I scare off all those that might have been interested.

What about me is so terrible that it is such a chore to talk to me? What do people honestly want? If I open up they abandon me, if I pretend to be as normal as I can they abandon me? What is so wrong with my personality that makes people treat me like the plague? And not to come off as callous but I am fairly normal looking, not great but normal. So I don't get it.

To give more explanation to how I feel, it feels like there is a pit at the bottom of me and it takes bites at me, it gnaws away at the very fabric of my soul. It feels like everything I see is in black and white. I'm just sick of feeling so empty or so full of emotion.

[quirkywords]

Kidj, Welcome to the forum,

I can see that you seem to be struggling at the moment to understand why people don't take the time to get to know you.

I was quite moved by your post as you convey so well how you are feeling.

I think many people reading this will be able to relate to some of your questions.

If you browse through the threads on this forum you may find some that may interest you.

Your questions are some I have asked myself before.

"What about me is so terrible that it is such a chore to talk to me? What do people honestly want? If I open up they abandon me, if I pretend to be as normal as I can they abandon me?"

I wish I had the answers but I don't. Sometimes people can be so wrapped up in their own problems that find it hard to talk to others. It is puzzling that if we are very honest about how you feel to others they may be unsure of what to stay, and yet when we try to fake it people still move on.

I wonder are you seeing your doctor or a psychologist ?

"it feels like there is a pit at the bottom of me and it takes bites at me, it gnaws away at the very fabric of my soul. It feels like everything I see is in black and white."

I find your words above so poignant and such an accurate description of how I felt at times, it gnaws away so much there is a physical pain.

Thanks for writing your post.

You are not alone , and I am listening and willing to support you.

Keep posting as much as you want to .

Quirky

[LavenderTea]

Kid J,

Just by reading your post, it's clear that you're quite intelligent, and you have a fair amount of insight into your thoughts and emotions.

It must be incredibly hard feeling like no one cares or likes you. I'm wondering why you think your parents would consider you a failure?

It seems like you're having to pretend to be someone you're not, someone "normal", despite being, as you say, a "thin veneer of mostly lies". Have you considered why this is?

Sometimes when people go from being incredibly low, and sad, and empty as you say, to being full of emotion and overwhelmed, it could suggest that there is something else happening. Sometimes there can be life events, genetic factors, or environmental factors that can contribute the these large changes in mood, but addressing this with a GP is important because if something else is happening for you, professional help may be able to help you manage these changes.

Here if you want to chat more.

LT.