Lost...

[Tania11]

 this may not be the right place for me to be writing but im unsure of what to do.. My partner has been on meds for approx 2 yrs for depression. Recently he went to a party where he tried cocaine and things haven't been the same since. His behaviour was horrendous during his comedown - psychotic. I threatened to take our son and leave - this is not how we live.. but once the anger subsided we talked and decided to move forward together. Ever since this incident - I dont know who this monster is. He is acting completely out of character. He has done some really strange and wrong things lately. In a bid to save our relationship we set some ground rules that I've discovered he has no regard for. He swears he wants me to stay but his actions speak different. I needed to check an email on his iPad and I found a POF link which lead me to his search history.. I found he was a member of 3 dating sites (no activity found) and had been watching strange porn. Im an open minded person but this was just weird. Once again decided to keep working at things. He has also suddenly been treating me very differently in the bedroom - like I'm an object. He is angry at me and my son all of the time also. We were an open couple that talked about everything but he's been doing impulsive things like swapping his car online, selling his tools and one day I came home and he was emptying the fish tank cause someone was coming to pick them up because he just decided to give them away I was unaware any of this was occurring. He has lost interest in everything family wise. We have Xmas traditions that we've done for the past 11 years and when I asked him about them he said "get f@&ked, I'm not doing that sh!t." He's very withdrawn from us. The worst part is he can't except responsibility for his wrong doing and has no remorse for his actions. Instead he searches for any excuse to turn it around so I'm the bad guy - why haven't u given up smoking cigarettes type thing - In all honesty they are the only things keeping me sane. I get very frustrated and angry at times despite trying to be calm and lose my cool and he blames the way I speak sometimes for his anger but he can't comprehend what's made me upset. i told him that if I could have the answer to just 1 question it would be WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO U? I'm supportive and told him I'll help them thru whatever he's going thru. I just wonder if the coke has triggered a major chemical imbalance in his brain or if he's using..

[PatT]

Hi Tania,

First off, I've done my fair share of drugs in the past and it's pretty rare for somebody to have that large of a reaction to cocaine. That sounds more like ice (not making any accusations). Ice also makes people develop strange sexual desires and generally leaves people with a short fuse. Are you sure he isn't still using? His behaviour sounds pretty erratic for somebody who says they only used the one time. 

I'd recommend looking out for things like:

• Abnormal sleeping patterns
• Weight loss
• Loss of his appetite
• Appearing unusually active
• Seeming nervous, frustrated and anxious

There are a number of hotlines you can call, the Family Drug Support hotline is 1300 368 186. They're good with advice 24/7. All the best, Pat.

[Zeal]

Hi Tania,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's major behaviour change. It sounds as if the cocaine could have caused a chemical imbalance in his brain. Antidepressants should never be combined with other recreational drugs, and even alcohol should be avoided wherever possible. I've been taking SSRI antidepressants for several years. Thankfully I am a non-drinker and don't touch recreational drugs. I have a serotonin deficiency, so I will unfortunately need to be on this medication long-term.

I highly recommend taking your partner to see a GP (he will probably resist, but be as strong as you can), as he needs to understand the dangerous effects recreational drugs have, especially when taken while on antidepressants or other prescription medications. Also, the GP can make a plan with him about how to manage his anger and improve his functioning.

I hope you and your son are coping alright. How old is your son? He's lucky that you protect him and look out for him. Do you think your son is confused about what's going on with his father?

Post back if you want to talk more, or ask something else 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Zeal]

Hi again Tania,

I am glad Pat has given you specific advice regarding the recreational drugs situation. I learned something from his post too!

[Tania11]

Thank you PatT and SM for your helpful insight. 

We had a major breakthrough on the weekend!

Yet another row took place because of his actions while out with work mates after work on Friday night (strippers) I had no idea where he was cause he ignored my calls. He was meant to be at home. He didn't understand why I was upset.. And didn't care either. He seems to be adopting the lives of his single workmates. A new job is out of the question. We are all responsible for our own actions. We have a choice to follow or not.

I have done nothing but try support him over the past few months and it's just getting beyond a joke. Yes our 9yr old son is incredibly confused and is suffering. Drugs have never been used and anger has never been a problem in our house until recently.  I try my hardest not to let him see what's going on by not fighting In front of him but he's not stupid.

I've read and been told a few times now about the mixture of antidepressants and recreational substances and the effects caused which has helped shed some light on what's going on.

ok so back to the breakthrough, our argument continued on sat morning and I was ready to throw in the towel. I told him that he needs to weigh up what's more important to him - destructive life or his family. 

He slammed the bedroom door in my face so I left him alone for 10minutes. I walked in and he was in the ensuite with the door shut. I went in to find him sitting there with his head in his hands crying... He's a manly man and this was very out of character. I asked him to stand up and he was hesitant did. I put my arms around his neck and told him I loved him. He hugged me back that tight I thought he may be trying to kill me while saying "I just don't know what to do"

i left him after this for a couple of hrs and we had a chat when I got home. I explained the possibilities of what could be happening to him mentally and gave him a few options of what could help get us back on track. I tread carefully around this and said that I'd go talk to someone too.

he wants to go to the doctor to talk about changing up his medication and wants me to go with him. Once the dr hears what's going on they will point us In the right direction hopefully.

he swears black and blue that he's not using drugs. He used cocaine that 1 night and smoked weed for about a month In the lead up to that night.

we had a great weekend and done a few family activities together which I think was needed by the 3 of us.

[Tania11]

Thank you! We are heading to the GP this week to have a chat!

[Tania11]

From his actions sometimes I'm sceptical but just have to take his word for it...

He'd been very angry and trust me - he didn't hold back.. He's been brutally honest about everything else he's been up to. I think that if he was using something he'd just say. He literally had no regard for my feelings or the fact he was ripping his family apart. He just didn't give a shit. 

Im not ruling out that he may still be using thought. I honestly just don't know.

From everything you've listed I can't say I recognise any of those signs. One thing I can definitely tell you is he is always tired and completely disengaged - not just with us but with everyone. I get asked all the time if he's alright.

whats been happening is very sudden. We were a happy family until 6 weeks ago. I picked him up from this party (he called me to do so) he was sick which I put it down to alcohol. He was hung over the following day but the day after that was just horrific. That bad that I had to take my son and leave because I feared for our safety. I feared for his safety too. I didn't know what he was capable of. Things haven't been the same since. No where near the extremes of that day but far from where we were prior to that day.

 anyway..... I feel like I could use this post as a new thread haha writing about it really helps me. We both have a great support system around us and he has decided to take steps to get back on track. Hopefully things are looking up.

Thank you so very much for your reply

[Zeal]

Hi again Tania,

You sound incredibly strong and determined 😄

I'm glad you've had a breakthrough with your partner. The fact that he accepts he needs help and wants to do something about his situation is really encouraging. I was also glad to read that you have a great support system, and that the forum is helping you to deal with what's going on in your life.

Best wishes,

SM