Loneliness and depression. How can I get help?

Void · ‎11-04-2015

Hi all,

I decided to post here because... well I don't really have anywhere else to go. I'm 23 and have was diagnosed with depression since I was 14. Throughout my life I have struggled with, well, staying alive. Over the years I have visited more psychologists and psychiatrists than I can count on two hands yet all they have only managed to hand me some medication and send me on my way. But, even that is better treatment than most people have given me.

The reason I feel so depressed is that I am lonely. Not sad that someone hasn't invited me out in a little while or upset because I can't get a date. Mind numbing, crippling loneliness. Often I will just want someone to confide in or talk on a more meaningful level but I will quickly remember I have no one. I don't have any close friends, only people I see around uni. My parents are ashamed and frankly, disappointed in my depression. They don't understand why I can't try harder, do better, be more social and get a job, etc.

I'm currently in my final year of undergrad doing an honours year. It's draining, yet I feel even more so for me with my depression. I don't really have anyone to talk about my uni work with. I do have people I know in the course and even hang out with people but none of them are particularly interested in me or my ideas. I'm always the listener in every conversation. Nobody knows who I am, and nobody cares. If I died tomorrow, nobody at uni would be too bent out of shape. This has been a common theme in my life as I find it hard to connect to people.

For the past four months I have been particularly depressed and I think about suicide daily. I don't know why I should bother continuing with my life if I cannot perform such a basic human operation as making friends. I reached out to my mum recently, to tell her how I honestly felt and she looked at me in disgust. She wanted to know what I was doing to make myself better. She was frustrated and tired of "having the same conversation" that we have been having ever since I was a child.

I understand why she is frustrated. Who wants a kid with all these problems? How is she supposed to fix it? What can she do if therapy and medications haven't worked?

When your own parents act like you're a burden, what's left? Not a hell of a lot. I was seeing a psychologist but I've used up my 10 medicare subsidised visits. I don't have the money to afford more therapy and this isn't something a short course of CBT can fix.

... so what can I do?

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BKYTH · ‎11-04-2015

Wow you are really in a difficult place. What seems central to your story in an inability to connect to people and your phrase "Mind numbing, crippling loneliness" is a statement I could have written myself as I know that feeling well. I am my families disappointment and my only contact with the outside world has been appointments of one kind or another. I only mention this so that you are able to see that I know what it is like to have no one I can ring or confide in. You were diagnosed with depression at a very young age. Depression and loneliness are two different states of being. Depressed people, like people in general, will experience loneliness and similarly lonely people will experience depression. What I wonder about is whether or not your diagnosis is appropriate. When you say you "Cannot perform such a basic human operation as making friends" I have never had that ability and have lived my whole life without ever discovering how to. I feel that that as an issue needs to be explored further. There can be a danger in diagnosis's in that we are viewed through them and they tend to stick to us and we understand ourselves in relation to them. I, and I fell sure, many other people have had various diagnosis's given to them which have been changed over time. I've had at least six and at age 60 was given a new one. If you lack the ability to establish friendships naturally you will experience depression but that does not mean that a diagnosis of depression is accurate or even meaningful. Loneliness is part of the human condition it is not an illness but when it is extreme, as it seems to be in your case, and is certainly in mine it becomes "crippling" as you so aptly describe it. You are able to access a Psychologist 10 times each calendar year so if some of your appointments were last year that option is still available for you. I would suggest you explore all possibilities in determining the reason you are unable to establish friendships. I have had to do this myself including those that are not seen as Psychiatric illness's or disorders. I wish you well . Regards.Philip.

Cymru · ‎11-04-2015

I'm not sure how to respond to what you have written Void. I did notice that you write very well, and you mention you are in your final year of undergrad. I assume you don't ... but that is quite an accomplishment considering all you had to deal with. I confess that I felt upset when you wrote your family feel you are a burden. I want to say that you are probably wrong and it is your misconception. This might be true, but it won't take away from how you feel. You've now made yourself far from a burden to me and I just read what you wrote. I'm also troubled that you visited more psychologists and psychiatrists than you can count. Sure, they might not be the right one for you, but like soap powder you need to try them out to see which works. But I doubt they gave you some medication and sent you on my way. I'm guessing, but I suspect something they said made it hard for you to go back. Counselling is tough and only strong folk are willing to expose themselves to try to change. If you could do me a favour and go back and tell who ever you see all that you wrote, and commit yourself to returning at least 6 times. If you say you'll do this I'll share a couple of sure fire ways to met interesting people. Which take about 5 minutes to master. I will share this ... as to who wants a kid with all these problems? Me. I want my son back with all his problems, annoying behaviour and laughter. So I'll be dammed if I let you get away with introducing yourself on this forum and then copping out. I'll await to hear from you.

Cymru · ‎11-04-2015

my mistake ... I missread your post ... You're doctor can seek an extension beyound 10.You can also be referred to a psychiatrists. Don't dismiss the power of CBT ... it is hard work, but it does help a lot. Keep up with your meds; they allow you to do the work. There are supplementary programs you can do too. Your Uni welfare office can refer you. Also at 23 you can self refer to nearest Headspace clinic. But mostly go and talk to your GP about options. Say,everything you wrote here. I'll do my bit in advising you how to get over meeting folk.I spent enough time helping my son with this ... it is really the easy part.

Void · ‎11-04-2015

I wish I could say that the mental health people I've seen have done more for me than offer medication, but they haven't. I haven't ever been offered CBT but I have been told that it would not work in my case. I don't quite know what to make of that. Most of my time with psychologists and psychiatrists has ended with them simply saying they can't help me, or moving me on to someone else.

I didn't know they were still offering extensions on the mental health plan beyond 10 visits - thanks for the info. I'll talk to my GP about it when I see her next.

Dave_K · ‎11-04-2015

Hi, sorry to hear that you are sad. I am 56 and just worked out that I have always been looking for others to validate my self worth. It has caused huge problems for me,,, I now realize it is my self worth, hot to be given to me from others. Works for me a lot better.

Realise you have a lot of fine qualities and embrace them. Give yourself the self worth you deserve,

Hope this helps,,,

BKYTH · ‎11-04-2015

You do not have to make anything of the statement that CBT won't work for you. Forget that and move on. As Cymru pointed out therapy requires consistent effort and it can be very challenging to speak about matters that you might prefer to avoid. I think your perception of being a burden on your family and no one caring who you are is not the case but reflects your state of mind at the present. You are young, intelligent and very articulate and there are many options available to you that you have not explored yet. I would suggest you get a book on CBT as it would certainly be of help to you. But you must do more than just read it. Everyone matters and everyone includes you. Philip.

Void · ‎11-04-2015

Therapy does require consistent effort - from both parties. I don't feel that in the past I have received that. However, I did start seeing a therapist I felt understood my situation. As I stated, I ran out of subsidised visits but if as Cymru mentioned I can get an extension, that would help some.

I didn't want to bring this up because it is... well, embarrassing. The subject I study at university is psychology. Thus, I feel I am pretty well read on various therapies.

I'm curious about your experience with loneliness Phillip. As I said this is my central problem but I haven't really found anyone with a similar experience to me. Have you had any success in feeling less lonely? Have you been able to work out how to make friends? I'm feeling pretty hopeless about my situation and I don't think I'll ever figure it out.

BKYTH · ‎12-04-2015

In my case the answer to your question is no. But your situation is not my situation. After 40+ years of involvement in the psychiatric system I find myself in the same position as I was when it all began. This should be not understood to be any form of criticism of that system. It has helped many people live a quality of life that would have been impossible without it. You have much to explore and many options open to you. If you feel hopeless at the moment don't fight against it. Examine it. How does it feel and what is it saying. What is it that would need to be different for it to change. Hopelessness has a voice and that voice will be familiar to you because it is your voice. As you explore its nature don't settle for the obvious and easy answers it is those answers that your feeling of hopelessness is sustained by. Challenge everything that comes to mind and record your observations. This process takes courage but the ability to show strength in the face of adversity is within you. Discover it and take what you find to your therapist so that the conversation that needs to take place can begin. I have no capacity to establish friendships or to experience intimacy of any kind. I have never been on a first date and thereby anything that could follow from that. My companions in life are music, art , literature and whatever vitality I can evoke from the most ordinary of situations. I have learned to live as a spectator in life and not as a participant. In that I experience suffering, a longing for that which is forever out of reach. Suffering is a part of life it is not my own personal property. Your suffering is of more concern to me than my own. Don't be embarrassed by the fact that you are studying Psychology and that you are struggling in your own life. Confront that which you need to confront and you will gain something far more valuable than any degree can offer and that is wisdom. I wish you well. Philip.

Cymru · ‎12-04-2015

Oh, Void.If you haven'tfound anyone with a similar experience to yourself, it i because you haven't opened your eyes. You sense of isolation is has common. But yo don't need to hear others experience to start improving. If you like I'll suggest a game that should help.I haven't ask if you're male or female; I usually suggest this to guys, but there is no reason it wouldn't work for either gender. Its called receding compliment. Firstly, we have to realise that when we are anxious with meeting other folk, our demeanor betrays this anxiety and can make other weary of you before they get to know you. So we'll change your demeanor in such circumstances. So next time you see a pretty lass or charming guy (I assume you are male from now on and you just change my description as necessary). Any pick out something that appeals to you, eg, hate, scarf, tattoo, and offer a complement. But you do this as you are passing; say getting of a tram. As you are heading away, the other person's defensive reaction won't kick in ... they feel safe ... so will accept your complement as intended. It matters naught that you'll never met them again (although,who knows) as this game is about you. If you do this over a couple of weeks, you start feeling more relaxed (you're intuitively changing your demeanor because you find folk quite like complements. We all do. Within short time you'll find yourself idly chatting with folk in supermarket ques, bus stops, wherever, with no sense of anxiety at all. The hard part is simply giving yourself a go ... There are a couple of variations and other drills I can explain to you if you like.
Oh, a couple of things about me. I'm 55 and experienced mental illness all my adult life. I had to learn things like above because I struggle with relationships. However, I have been in a relationship longer than my siblings put together. I just lack continuity. I have three adult sons. My middle son died only recently. He inherited the maddness that plagued the males in our family. So I really can't cope with hearing anyone say they feel they are a burden. My middle son was a burden. I miss him so much. I can't help him anymore. I may not be any good at helping you. But it will help me if I can share with you some of this tricks that I know work.