kinda lonely looking for advice?

[chagrin]

Hi,

Recently I've felt that I've tried my best to gain a number of opportunities, but haven't achieved a single one. On the other hand, many of my friends have achieved these opportunities and I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely and left out?

Sometimes I feel kind of isolated from them, because they're all off talking about something I can't be involved in and I'm kind of just sitting on the sidelines. I feel like I'm just there, not really saying anything, not really doing anything. Then when they've left because of their obligations, I'm afraid to reach out to new people, I'm afraid of being rejected by others to the point that I kind of prefer isolating myself first. Is it bad that I feel sorry for myself? Should I be happy for them and striving to improve myself rather than agonising over what I haven't got?

I'm not really looking for consolations or anything, but I'd really appreciate if maybe someone out there has been in the same situation and has some advice to give.

Thanks

[james1]

Hello chagrin,

Welcome to the forums! It is nice to meet you.

It sounds like you have been feeling very lonely and in some way, I guess I am glad you've been able to find your way here. I think most people feel lonely at some point or another, but these forums are a place where people feel more able to openly talk about just how hard it can be.

From your post, I think I have a fair picture of how loneliness feels to you and there are certainly many parts that I also have felt or feel sporadically at times. Things like fear of rejection and pre-emptively isolating myself, or kind of feeling like (in my words) a watcher than someone participating.

I don't really know the answer to this, but I think loneliness is quite normal and it is also normal to really struggle with it. I think we then individually find what helps - some reach out to new people as you've suggested, while others try to forge stronger bonds with their existing friends. My own experience has been to go back into myself and really face these feelings of loneliness head on, not always successfully, but overall with a much better ability to be alone and content. I'll never be a hermit, but I can happily spend weekends on my own, without worrying that I don't have enough friends.

Is there anything in particular you feel you could benefit from? You mentioned striving to improve yourself rather than agonising over what you haven't got - what are your thoughts there?

James

[shrivelled_mushroom]

hi chagrin,

your post really resonated with me... i experience pretty much the same thing at school. all my friends are really smart and they’re always talking about their tutoring places or getting into extension classes together or being in the same debating team. my closest friend also recently got social media when we had both agreed not to get social media and i feel like she is abandoning me for more popular kids. i feel the same as you... i’d much rather isolate myself then be rejected. in fact at recess and lunch i often end up sitting in a toilet cubicle by myself.

however my psychologist said something helpful the other day that i feel like could help you too. she helped me identify a cycle... your friends aren’t socialising with you so you feel sad, so you don’t want to socialise, so your friends continue socialising without you, so you feel worse and you withdraw even more... it just downspirals from there. i think both of us need to work on breaking the cycle, whether that does involve finding new people to hang with (and by the way i’m sure that there’s someone out there who won’t reject you) or changing the subject to something you can contribute to when your friends talk about their obligations or finding someone else to talk to when your friends are talking about something that makes you left out as opposed to going off on your own. of course, i don’t know your situation as well as you do but maybe if you feel comfortable you could talk to one of your current friends who are leaving you out and tell them how you feel about it?

i tried this and although she does forget sometimes and leaves me out, she does notice that i’m feeling left out sometimes and will either change the topic or start a new conversation with me... however this is the friend i mentioned earlier who got social media and is ditching me for popular kids now so idk anymore tbh.

anyway, i hope that you manage to find your way in this. it is a difficult situation but just know that there are others out there like me who go through the same thing and you’re not alone.

mushroom 🙂