Keeping strong

[kjs]

I have had a hard couple of weeks where I have felt like giving up because everything seems so hard  again. Everything feels out of reach and I am just tired of trying so hard to get better and getting nowhere. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday who kept telling me that I have to stay strong especially until we find the right combination of medication to help me. I have been on what feels like a lot of different medications, dosages and combinations and I still haven't been able to feel different.

My psychiatrist is also going overseas for July and August so I feel pressured to feel better before the support leaves. I'm not sure I can keep strong much longer. I just want a break from it all and to feel better 😞 I just want to feel better..

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[Neil_1]

Hi there kjs

If my memory serves me right, I think I’ve posted to you in the past – don’t know why I said that, but I did – yes, we’re a funny breed, we humans!

I think the inner strength that we who suffer from our different mental health issues is phenomenally strong – it’s something that can’t be measured, but if it could be, it’d be something that I think would really surprise us.

I can understand you saying how you’ve been fighting and have been so strong for so long and you really would like a break from it all – oh boy, I can so relate to that.

How often do you see your psychiatrist, and how often are they in the process of changing your medications??    From my viewpoint in hearing this, it sounds like you are seeing someone who is really trying their best in being able to find the “right” prescription medication for you – I do hope you’re feeling this way also?

But as you may be aware, in finding the right kind of medication, this is just ONE string to a large bow that we need to have in place in order to help ourselves on a daily basis.  But hopefully your psych has already told you all about that and of other mechanisms that need to be put into place to help out??

So yes, it’s great you’ve got a seemingly good psych, but are you also seeing your own GP?    And have they referred you onto any other counselling or psychologist to help with other methods of assistance?

Would I also be right in assuming that your parents are good supports for you and your condition?   I mention this as you see your psychiatrist, so can only assume that it’s your folks who help take you there, etc?

Do you feel that things are going ok at school for you or are there possible issues there?

I guess with regard to your psych going away for that period of time, have they suggested what things might be able to be put into place for you during that time?

I hope I haven’t rambled too much and would really like to hear back from you.

Neil

[kjs]

Hi Neil, thank you for your reply

I have been seeing my psychiatrist every 1-2 weeks for a few months and I know that he is doing his best to help me. He is such a lovely person and puts a lot of time into helping me because he knows that I really try. He asked if I would like to see someone else whilst he is away but I said no because I don't want to have to start at the beginning again with my 'story'. 

I am also seeing a psychologist who is also trying to help me a lot. My parents and sisters are very supportive too. 

I have finished school and am doing the online course in vet nursing that I have mentioned once which is not going so well unfortunately. I am finding online study a real challenge, however, I have to stick with it because you do not get a refund if you withdraw and it is costing me a few thousand dollars... 

I was working at a vet clinic for one night a week but stopped because of panic attacks before going. They said I can go back when I feel better so my psychologist is working with me on that.

I also work part time which is going okay and I have 2 people there who I get along with really well and have both been through anxiety and depression so they really understand and help enormously.

I am not sure why I am still feeling so down despite all of my support. I feel my thoughts are worsening and I haven't told anyone about the worst ones I am having because I will end up a teary mess.

I hope I can get passed all of this, as I hope everyone on this site can! Thank you again for your reply.

Kelly  

[Neil_1]

Hi Kelly

Thank you so much for your latest response – it was great to hear from you again.

That is so pleasing to read that you have a good relationship going with your psychiatrist (and psychologist as well) and yes yes, I totally understand the part where you are not choosing to seek out another person while your psychiatrist is away – the “re-telling” of our stories over and over is bloody hard  as well as being emotionally exhausting.

Ok, you’ve said that your online studying is not going so well at this stage, but I say, “Way to go Kelly” for taking up with this – my daughter wanted to be a vet but we’re not sure if her grades are going to cut it;  so I must say to you, that you’ve obviously got the brain capacity for this, which is damn awesome.   I hope you’re able to get some ‘outside’ assistance with how you’re going – perhaps from one or two of the Vets where you worked – they might be able to give some pointers or assistance with different things?    And you never know, perhaps even going back (and not in work capacity) but to just visit, maybe first as just a visitor – and to perhaps mention to them about your studies and to see if they might be able to help – that way, you could then arrange to go back and get their help??

This might help with your tenseness or anxiety as well.   Just a thought?

Kelly, with all that you’re doing, I think it’s awesome – and please please continue to keep on doing it – it’s a long tough and hard struggle, as you’re aware and we’ve just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

With all that’s going on, have you got set up “things” that can help you ease your stress and tension?   Sport or physical activities, music, hobbies, other interests?   Things like that are almost essential so we can do something to get a release of pent up emotions.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[kjs]

Thank you again for your reply Neil,

I have been thinking about going back to the vet clinic and asking for some assistance with my course. It's just getting over the fear of going back there! I think in the next couple of weeks I'll aim to do that though. 

I had got a bit slack with physical activity but the last couple of days I have got back into running so I will try and stick with that. Mum has got me to plan out each day as a list and mark it off as I go, so I have put running on as something to do! I also enjoy baking which is good, but not good when you slacken off with the exercise!! Whoops..

I hated school and thought when I left everything would be so much easier. How wrong was I!! I hope adult life gets easier. 

Thank you for talking to me Neil!

Kelly

[Neil_1]

Hi Kelly

Great to hear back from you.

You know my Dad always used to tell me when I was growing up, "Son, school days are the best days of your life".  I smile when I hear or read that, cause my Dad, he was the best and I miss him so much.  Whoops, sorry about that.  But back to what he said, I've come to the conclusion that he was either lying or telling the truth - wow, great conclusion there Neil !   Bear with me.

Lying, cause like you I didn't enjoy school much either and couldn't wait till I finished, and when I finished I did a TAFE course for a year and then was able to luckily find work - and from all that, it was HEAPS better than school.

However, Truth cause Dad was a farmer and he did it tough on the land and so, I guess he was telling the truth, cause his life as a farmer was sheer yard yakka.

But does this help you at all - no, not really - and that's if you haven't dropped off reading this far.   Sorry about that.

It's pleasing to hear that you've got running happening again - I used to love to run and the longer the distance the better - just get out there and cover the km's;   but injuries cruel me at times;   so I've found cycling to be pretty awesome too.  You do the same, but cover a hell of a lot more territory and it's possibly less likely to incur an injury.

Little plans set up are also great as well, so that's awesome to read that your Mum is helping out - and it's great to tick things off when you've done them.  Little goals achieved - and that IS important.

Baking - hey, what's some of your fave things to cook up?

Neil

[Neil_1]

Kelly,  I think what I wanted to say in amongst my last post to you was, "Yes, life will get easier - particularly than what it was in school, considering for how you described school to be".

Although there was an ex-Prime Minister who once said, "Life wasn't meant to be easy", so do we ever really know?

You must think I'm absolutely bonkers, cause most of my posts don't make skerrick of sense!    

But you only have to read what my mind produces here - you should try living with it, 24/7 !!!

[kjs]

Hi Neil,

Your posts make perfect sense to me. Unfortunately I think that ex-prime minister may have been right. Not really what I want to hear at all, but it is probably the truth. Last night I was taken to the hospital to speak to the crisis team because of some much needed help. I had a very long talk with the psychiatric nurse and as hard as life is at the moment, not living is much harder. He said it will get better, as everyone keeps saying. I need to trust people in that. Anyway, talking about that is making me get a bit teary so i'll go onto the cooking!!

I made a sticky date pudding with caramel sauce the other night for dessert which was so yummy. My favourite thing to make (and probably eat!!) are these mini apple cakes. So delicious. I am thinking about doing some cooking now to cheer me up a bit.

Hope you are well, and thank you again for your response.

 Kelly  

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi Kelly

Oh boy, my keyboard is now wet with me salivating all over it, after you’ve mentioned those yummy items you’ve cooked and enjoy cooking.   And don’t forget a nice dollop of whipped cream beside any of those desserts that you make.  🙂   Yummo.   🙂

I really hope that the chat you had the nurse last night helped a little bit for you.

I know it’s one thing to say, “Yes, things will get better”, but at the time, all you can see is darkness and nothing seems like there’ll be any lifting of the fog at any time soon.  But in these people we do need to trust – they are the ones who are trained in these areas, and they are the ones who live and breathe with people experiencing their own mental demons, day in day out.

I guess to an extent, I know this as well – I’m getting to be a lot older than I used too.   Hey just on that, I heard this funny comment from an old bloke once, someone asked him, “How old are you now?”, to which the response was:  “Oh gee, I’m so old now, I don’t buy green bananas anymore”.   I thought that was priceless.

But what I was getting at is, the more we have our mental illness and our bad stages, the more that we can understand that the bad times do come and go.  While we might be down big time for a while, we know that after an unspecified amount of time, we will begin to feel a little better.  These are obviously on an individual level and each person is different, but I honestly think to be right down in the pits of despair is not something that can be endured for a long long time.

(I think I believe that).

Along with your running and cooking, do you have other favourite activities?    Movies, bands, tv-shows, sports, outdoorsy activities (he says as he watches the rain tumble down outside).

Neil

[kjs]

Hi Neil,

I also love camping and bush walking and lots of outdoorsy things. Not really outdoorsy weather here either at the moment. Typical Tassie weather!!

That response is certainly priceless! It gave me a giggle! 

I think you are right, but it's just hard to see at the moment. My sister went through all of this too at about the same age, and now that she has recovered she is such a strong person. I hope the same happens for me! 

At my day program I am the youngest, the others are all around 60 + ! One of the men said he loved me sitting with them at the table because I brought the average age down significantly! It is good actually to be with older people. They all tell me to do what I want and follow my dreams because their lives have gone so fast. It's a scary thought getting out there and doing what.

I also do aqua aerobics with much older woman. 60+ again! I am a bit intimidated of people my age. Sounds kind of silly writing that, but I enjoy the company of older people more!!

Kelly