Being misunderstood and disliked by team members

[Sharnacles]

Hi, This is my first time posting so I hope I do this right. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago and having undergone treatments that didn''t work I am trying to cope by keeping busy, social and active.

I am a part of a sports team. It is something I love/loved. But over the last year I have felt like an outsider. I am someone who likes to help others, I am often opinionated and I used to very outgoing and I am loud. 

But in trying to help others when playing, people are under the impression that I think I am more knowledgeable than others, that I am being bossy. This is not my intention. I have tried to tone it down but even slipping up once causes people to be angry at me. I do not know how to not feel like everyone hates me. That no one in my club wants me there. It is at the point where I don't want to play anymore. Which 2 years ago nothing made me happier. I don't want to be seen as the loud annoying person anymore. I don't want people to hate me anymore. But I don't know what to do or how to keep going when I am always angry or upset about things like this. But at this point with several people within my club disliking me it begs the question am I a really bad person? 

A person i also used to think of as a friend tends to yell at people and not encourage people, he singles people out to help and then is rude and demeaning to others, I am on of those people. And it makes me so angry.

I am losing the love for a sport I need to keep me social and healthy. I don't know what to do anymore. 

If anyone has any advice, on both how to cope and how to manage the way I portray myself to others feel free to reply. Thank you. 

[Narniakid]

Hi Sharnacles! Congrats on your first BB post, and well done for making it this far already.

Reading your situation, the first and foremost step I would take is letting your team captain/coach/organisation know how your other teammates are making you feel, whether or not it is intentional. You are an equal player and you deserve to feel respected and appreciated by the people around you.  It is noteworthy that as well as this conflict affecting you mentally, it could well be taking a toll on you physically, and that means you may not be performing at your best during training and games - that affects the whole team. 

If your coach or captain is not willing to discuss the matter with the rest of the team, or do anything about it, you can also try calmly bringing it up with the people who are making you feel this way, and let them know that even though it may not be intentional, it is affecting your performance. If they aren't willing to be mature about it, nor the organisation does nothing to try and resolve the issue, then perhaps it might be time to start looking for a new sporting club. Don't let these bullies and nay-sayers stop you from doing what you love - if you do, you're letting them win.  

I hope my advice is somewhat helpful, and remember you can always call the BB hotline for a professional opinion on the matter. 

Stay strong, good luck and keep us posted!

Crystal

[White_Rose]

Dear Sharnacles

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Your post is great, well done for writing in here.

I feel very much as you do at times and I am slowly getting myself together. It's very hard to feel no one likes you, whether or not it is justified.

There is a difference between being helpful and telling others what to do, and being pleasant to some and demeaning to others in the manner of your ex-friend. A friend of mine tells me I am bossy. It's just an observation. The point is that I do have knowledge of various things and if asked I will give my opinion in no uncertain terms. Well actually I will often give my opinion without being asked. What upsets people is thinking they are a bit silly not seeing the obvious.

Do you have any personal friendships among the other team members? I ask because friends will forgive a lot. I try to keep an eye on the big picture, to see what is happening in the whole group. Sometimes there is another agenda at work and people will use you to push their own point of view. And you end up as the bad guy no matter how sensible or correct your comments may be.

Before offering your comments make sure you know the whole story. Ask others how they feel about the discussion. Ask a question such as, "If this happens then what effect will it have on such and such?" This way everyone gets thinking about pros and cons. Let the group come up with a solution.

It means biting your tongue a little and I realise how difficult this can be at times. When you feel you have the answer to something, take a deep breath and consider how you would like someone to voice their opinion to you. To jump in with a comment such as, "The rules say..." tends to provoke a another argument. Instead try saying, "Does anyone know what the rule book says?" I'm sure you can adapt this statement to your various situations.

And because you haven't 'told' anyone what to do they are more likely to listen. Also moderate your tone of voice. One of my bad habits is to be rather sarcastic at times, which is OK when I am with friends who understand what and why I am saying. It doesn't go over very well in larger groups and you are in danger of being labelled a smarty pants.

Being sure of yourself is great gift and to speak your truth and then walk away if it does not please others is fine. Try not to be upset if your words are ignored and continue to listen and encourage others. After a while you will find others ask for your advice.

I look forward to your comments.

Mary

[Sharnacles]

Thank you so much Mary.

 This has been incredibly helpful and gives me a whole new way to look at everything within the team as well as how to manage the way i portray myself. 

It gives me direction and hope that things can improve!

again thank you. 

[Sharnacles]

Hi crystal!

Your post is very helpful. I'm always nervous to talk to people about these things but your advice is very encouraging and supportive. I'm definitelygoing to take these steps as I'm determined to keep playing and stay happy. 

 Thank you so very much. I really appreciate it.