Just wanting to let it all out

[dizzy_dreamer]

Hi, I'm just really needing to vent. I'm an 18 year old mother of a 2 year old and 21 weeks pregnant. I've had counselling and I've been hospitalised more than once. I've been medicated. Nothing helps. My house is a literal prison. I'm here 24/7. I can't leave my house, most of the time I can't even go get the mail. I'm living in constant terror. My offical diagnosis is is BPD and it's just gotten worse. I can't be normal. I can't drive or even get a car, I can't go out to get groceries, I can't work or study. I barely eat or take care of myself and I have nightmares every night. My first pregnancy has left me severely overweight and with the way my body works it's been impossible to lose any of it in a healthy way. I barely have friends and the friendships I do have I struggle with. Most of the time I'm on autopilot, tending to my child's needs. I feel so agitated and sad all the time. I look at people around me and I feel genuine hate for them. Everyone seems so happy and they're all better than me. They all have cars, friends, they're in uni or they have jobs, they are attractive, they get to go out all the time. Everyone else is happy.

all I want is that for myself but I feel like I'll never have it.

[Guest_9809]

Hello Dizzy Dreamer, and a very warm welcome to you. I'm glad you have joined Beyondblue Forums and reached out for some advice and support. Thats what we do here. As fellow sufferers of a wide variety of MH issues, we are here to learn more about our own issues and also to advise and support others who experience the same things we do.

You're right, sometimes it really helps to have a good vent! It is also highly therapeutic to speak and/or write about what is bothering us. It is an emotional release plus it helps us to process our thoughts and feelings. I hope it has helped you?

My ... you really have your hands full right now dont you? A young mum of a child (terrible two's are such a handful) and another baby on the way. You have not mentioned your partner Dizzy. Is he still on the scene, and is he understanding and supportive of you and your child?

Unfortunately I do not know much about BPD, so am unable to give you any advice on that. But there are members here who do, so I am hoping that my reply to you this morning will bump your thread up the list and make it more visible for others to pick up on and reply to you.

What I do know about BPD is that it is a serious disorder and results in much distress for the sufferer. It sounds as though you experience periods of anger, depression, and anxiety which is typical of BPD. I believe that eating disorders are also fairly common with BPD.

BPD is often treated with psychotherapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Have you had any of this type of therapy?

I'm sorry I am unable to help you more Dizzy, but I am hoping others with personal experience of BPD will come on board and help you more than I am able to.

For now I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and that you are not alone. Members here are very kind, understanding and supportive, so I know you will receive support that you both need and deserve here.

Kind regards,

Taurus

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy Dreamer

Hello and welcome to the forums. It's always hard to talk about something we don't know much about. Taurus has packed a lot of information into her post, all good stuff. We hear you and understand your situation. Please continue to write, if only to have somewhere to vent and know you will be heard. You can also keep a journal of your thoughts which is helpful.

Do you have any professional mental health help? You are so isolated in your home that you need help to get back to as normal a life as possible. We all have a MH problem of some sort and understand the difficulties of getting out and around. I have depression, which is pretty common but can be very difficult to live with at times.

I know what it is like to have nightmares and to wake up not knowing if you are still in the nightmare. My GP changed my medication to one from the original antidepressant group. Can't give you the name because BB policy does not allow that for several very important reasons. After taking it for a few days the nightmares disappeared. It was marvellous. However your medication, if you take anything, may not allow for the addition or substitution of this AD. Perhaps you can chat to your doctor about it.

This sounds as though you can pop out of the house whenever you want and I appreciate it's not possible. How do you get to see your doctor or MH professional? Do you have anyone around who can take you to see your GP? If not can you talk to your GP on the phone? I see a psychiatrist and discovered she talks to some of her patients via Skype. Can you do anything like this? It does mean getting a referral from your GP for someone who is prepared to do counsel via Skype. Do you think you can do this on the phone?

Can you contact your local mental health team and ask for someone to go to your home for counselling? I don't know if this is possible and it will mean you have to set it up initially though not necessarily by leaving home. Have a think about how this can be done. I hope you can continue to write in here.

Mary