Just want someone to talk to

[Amiii]

Hi everyone, before I start I am just writing because I want someone to understand/ hear me so it’s okay if people can’t fix much about it.

I have issue with my older sister that I don’t know what to do anymore. I am aware that she does have issues dealing with stress and insecurities, which can explain why she would hit out at people and try and bring them down. The problem is that I feel like I am suffering the consequences of this and can’t get away.

Although it may sound dramatic, to be honest I get scared if she may be stressed or angered because I would have to suffer some pretty bad verbal abuse and sometimes it would get physical. It would usually be yelling at me about how I’m stupid and saying I’m useless.
This obviously caused some issues with confidence and self-esteem and sometimes still does.

The problem is that it would happen in phases, a few days later she would be happy and nice to me again. However, the things she would say and yell at me would stay with me I couldn’t forget. They would cause me to get extremely anxious or feel a bit depressed.

My dad really doesn’t care about any of this, but my mum sometimes knows how I feel, But I would always have to “let it go” and forgive her because we are sisters. I would forgive her and be kind to her, but as soon as she would get aggressive and hurt me again it would feel 10X worse because I feel like she just keeps walking all over me and is allowed to do this without any repercussions.
I have tried just cutting her off and not engaging with her when she is in a better mood, and then when she would hit out at me again it wouldn’t hurt as much because I was expecting it. The problem is though, that this would be forcing me to be on guard and not be my happy self around my family.
We are going away on a holiday soon and I just don’t know what to do. I do love her, and we do have fun when she is not stressed and is in a good mood. However, I worry about being hurt again, and its driving me crazy trying to handle it.
Thankyou very much for reading this ❤️

[quirkywords]

Aimiii

Welcome to this forum where we will listen to you and understand. This is a friendly caring and supportive community.

A family should be the one place where you feel safe and heard. It is sad that you feel no one in your family understands you and you are the one that 'has to move on' and be kind to your sister.

You are very patient and understanding of your sister and it you appreciate you enjoy her company some of the time.

As a parent I know children will fight each other, but you are really worried so it is more than just siblings having rough play.

I know you have tried speaking to your parents, maybe and only if this would work for you, maybe edit, cut and paste this post and show it to your mum. I think if she understands how you are scared and worried she will be able to help you. If you can emphasise that you have tried being kind and forgiving and you love your sister but you are scared when she gets stresses and do not want to be hurt again.

Does your sister see a doctor about her moods , or is it just seen as part of her behaviour. ?

Everyone who reads this will understand what you are feel.

I may not have helped but I just wanted to say you are not alone and well done for writing this post.

Everyone should feel safe in their family.

Quirky

[Isha7]

Hi Amiii,

I can imagine how hard it must be for you dealing with your sister's mood swings and aggressive behaviour. It sounds like you are using some good strategies already, like keeping your distance, especially when you know she's not in a bad mood.

Does your sister ever apologise for the unkind things she has said or for being aggressive towards you? (when she has calmed down)

If at all possible you should try and talk to your sister (when she is calm) and explain how her behaviour makes you feel, I wonder if she knows the impact her outbursts have on you? Don't be accusing but explain gentle, that you understand that she may be stressed about something but when she says the things she does, it's hurtful to you.

You should also keep speaking to your mum, and reaching out to her for support.

I hope things improve, and that you enjoy your time together as a family on holiday.

All the best.

Isha

[Amiii]

Hi Quirky,

It means a lot to know you have read my post. I probably should have mentioned that my older sister is 22 years old so I couldn't class it as just siblings bickering. i think she did see a therapist when she was in high school but that was years ago. she has always been like this and it has just escalated because nothing has been done about it. when she is quit awful to me I just really try not to retaliate and usually just separate my self from everyone and cry. I will consider showing my mum bits of the post because it may help, so thank you for that. However I am a little scared of creating a fight in my family because I think they sometimes lack understanding and it could make my sister more angry.

[Amiii]

Thank you so much Isha7 for responding.

My sister rarely apologises and if she does it is only because she had done something physically bad and my mum had forced her to. I feel like I am past the point of trying to talk to her, I have tried in the past but she would just get more angry or would say how I need to "get over it" or that I'm being too sensitive. it also doesn't help that my dad would always say to "let it go" or that he doesn't want to be a part of it. i think I am pretty good at forgiving but the problem is that it is happening constantly.I may consider talking to her again in the future about it. thanks again for the kind words.

[Noodewsoup]

Hi Amiii,

I've been looking around trying to find someone who's experiencing something similar to me. My younger brother has become extremely violent and aggressive but the only person he can channel that aggression toward is me. He makes fun of my weight and insecurities but most of the time it's pretty violent.

My situation is a bit different to yours but my best advice in these situations is to honestly talk privately with your sister. It's going to be difficult, I get how these mood swings can take a toll on you as well, but if she has had issues with her mental health in the past the best way to approach this is to show her you care. I doubt she means to hurt you when she's mad, for some people pushing others away is their defence mechanism. So when she's calm and in a good mood you should try and explain to her that her behaviour isn't healthy for either you or herself and that it would be best if she sought professional help.

I really hope this helps, if things get worse I'd be happy to chat.

-Noodewsoup

[Isha7]

Relationships with family members can be so difficult sometimes, and especially with siblings. Parents always struggle and don't want to be seen to be taking sides, but when they say 'let it go' it gives the other sibling permission to continue doing it because no one else is calling them out on their behaviour.

Sometimes sibling relationships only improve when some physical distance is created, maybe in the future you might have a better relationship with your sister but for now, you have to accept that she is the way she is and that it's not your fault. I know it's hard but try not to let it upset you.

The mean words are one thing but the physical is just not on, a 22 year old should know better - What do you mean when you say it gets physical? I hope your mum can support you with that because physically lashing out at you is just not ok.

[Cam.ryn]

Hi Amiii,

So I'm not sure if this will help (I'm sorry if it doesn't). I'm generally on the other side of this sibling thing. I get really stressed and worked up about life and things, and I tend to end up fighting with my older brother.

I guess a lot of the time when I lash out, it's because I feel like my brother doesn't understand when I'm upset. Your sister is older than me (I'm only 14) so it's a bit different, but if your sister ever seems a bit agitated, and you think it might escalate you could try asking her if she's okay or if there's anything she would like to vent about (If you're up to listening. Don't force yourself to deal with her problems if it feels like too much).

I know I would fight a lot less with my brother if he ever asked or showed some/any concern (I'm sure you're a much better sister to your sister, than my brother is a brother to me).

Also with the apologising and moving on, I am often too embarrassed to apologise when I know I was illogical and rude to my brother. Maybe your sister is different, but if she's anything like me, she loves you and she will feel guilty about it, sometimes the embarrassment of knowing you were rude or mean only leads you to getting more frustrated, which could explain how she often snaps at you when you try to confront her about previous fights.

I'm not sure if this will help you but I really hope it will!

-Cam.ryn