It feels weird to express this, because I haven't told anyone exactly how I feel. But my experiences of feeling down are becoming a lot more frequent and it's wearing me down to keep it inside.
I moved from NZ to Australia in late 2013 as I had just finished university and wanted to find work. I began my first ever relationship with a boy I had known for nearly a year (as we met on an earlier trip to Australia, but due to living in different countries, we had had a semi sorta online relationship). During the time spent apart, there had been several occasions when he hurt me emotionally (several stemming from his reputatino as 'player'), but I forgave and thought that once we are in the same country it will be better.We dated for about 2 months, until he broke up with me a few days before my 22nd birthday. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Being told that I am too passive, shy, quiet and boring by someone who had previously liked me a lot was absolutely heartbreaking.
That's what started my feelings of depression. But I know that everyone goes through break ups and that they are always hurtful, so I am unsure whether my conclusion that I am depressed is warranted or not. It has been over two months now since he dumped me. I feel worthless, hollow, and unhappy. I can try and distract myself with things I am still able to enjoy, such as being with the few friends I have in this country. However, I feel I am developing a reliance on alcohol to assist with my mood. My securing a job and my upcoming graduation ceremony should be happy occasions, but this sadness overwhelms any happy emotions. I dread being alone and always try to fill in my time with a friend, but they have their own lives and I can't always have this dependebce on them. Plus they don't know the extent of how bad I feel. Whenever I am alone I struggle to be happy at all, as the thoughts that are constantly in the back of my mind come forth and I dwell over hurtful details. I have a tendency for obsessive behaviour (a self-diagnosed, I might add, OCD) and find myself obsessing over tiny things and future possibilities such as whether my ex has moved on, etc. I hurt myself even further because I can stop thinking about these things.
Lately my ex has taken to messaging me again through Facebook, and his efforts at maintaining a normal conversation end up getting me upset again (as I still have feelings for him) when he mentions things from when we were together, such as the fact I was shy at parties he would take me to. It makes me feel as though I should have done better and that I messed everything up. I feel relieved when he contacts me. But I feel so unhappy now, with this awful emptyness in my body that stops me from ever truly feeling joy. Lately I have been having recurring thoughts about how it would be so much easier to end it. I find myself thinking about what I would do. I don't actually want to do it, and I won't, but I can't help but entertain these thoughts.
Anyway, I still feel unsure as to whether this is actually depression or whether I am just having a bad reaction to an upsetting circumstance. My dad was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, I'm not sure whether it could be a genetic thing either. I just know that I have never felt as low as this for this amount of time. I feel very alone and just want to be happy again.
Chloe
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