Is it selfish to want a break?

startingnew · ‎26-07-2018

Hi Everyone

I work as an in-home/live-in carer (so am 'on duty' 24/7), help care for siblings (every morning for school runs, some afternoons, usually at least one day of a weekend, and school holidays i have them more often than not ) Ive also had to take on abit of a side job for a few hrs every second day as finances are really tight atm.

I know others have it much worse than i do, so i feel really awful for even wanting a break. I was told by a few people offline that i should be spending as much time with family as possible because im lucky to have one and my aged family member wont last forever. I am grateful to have a family but with the constant caring for everyone, i feel its starting to take its taking its own toll on top of my mh and physical conditions.

I have been a carer or a 'helper' as long as i can remember and jumped straight from school into another caring role, whilst still keeping the previous commitments and/or adding new ones. Each time i meantion something that doesnt suit my families lifestyle (mind you its only me, anyone else they are supportive of) it ends in an argument or just goes well with my inner self that says i really dont deserve or need a break so shut down.

So im wondering if it is selfish to want to just take a few days off or try to have a day or 2 off a week? Is it selfish to want to want to see abit more than just my local area and explore other options for life rather than just caring for others? I am pretty conflicted at the moment.

Elizabeth CP · ‎27-07-2018

After taking on full time carer role for my mum I was really stressed. I had young children including a baby. We'd moved house as we needed room for my mum. I also had been very close to my dad so really missed him. My brother decided I needed a break so he booked our family into a lovely place with bush to explore & plenty of activities for the kids. He bought mum a mobile phone & found a pouch so it could be kept on the wheelchair at all times so she could ring him for help if needed. He spent time over the weekend doing things with mum so my family could have a break without worrying about mum. It was lovely for us to be a normal family for a change & my kids were so busy having fun that I could relax & enjoy myself. I came home feeling refreshed & better able to cope A better mother, wife & carer.

I shared this to show how much difference a break can make particularly when it is done in a way that suits your needs. I probably wouldn't have done it if my brother didn't arrange it but looking back I see how much it helped me so I could care for my mum better. Guilt is a normal but misplaced emotion!!!

Recently a friend from church has gone out with me a few times. We both like walking & gardens so we have gone for walks in some nice parks nearby. This gives me a break from my husband. Normally when I'm with him I have to watch out for obstacles to warn him as he's blind. I have to adjust my speed to suit him so it is nice to walk with a friend & be able to chat & enjoy the environment. Perhaps you can find a friend to go out with doing something you both like or even trying something new.

My psych encourages me to try things to learn what works because I've been a carer for such a long time & things I used to do are no longer appropriate. If something works great. If it doesn't you've learnt what doesn't work.

Elizabeth CP · ‎28-07-2018

If you are seeing a therapist or counselor I would recommend discussing the issues you are having with him. I would write down what has been happening & how it is affecting you prior to the session so you don't forget things & the therapist gets the whole picture. I have found this very helpful. The therapist can help you work out ways to deal with the issues you are facing including direct or implied criticism re how you are caring for your family members. I have exploded at times when pushed too far leaving me feeling guilty & useless & making it even harder to care for my husband. My therapist was able to help me put this into context & then helped me find strategies to avoid getting to that point. Having a neutral 3rd party to help clarify your thoughts really helps. My therapist has discussed getting breaks from caring & helped me when I was deciding what to do about work when I was struggling. Having someone to act as a sounding block really helps particularly when you can't talk freely to your family because they are too involved so can't see the whole picture whereas the therapist understands your MH issues & is invested in your long term welfare & ability to continue caring as long as you want to. I hope this helps

startingnew · ‎30-07-2018

Hello tnb and thanks for your post. Welcome btw as I see your new.

I usually thought of self care as thr basic things not so much a day off. My work at the other place is reducing heaps next week so ill have a bit more time to myself as well. I dont have any friends so makes it abit harder to get out of the house with noone and no where to go.
Your daughters lucky to have you and be really understanding about it all as well.

Hi Elizabeth

Wow you had to deal with a lot! Thank you for sharing with me. The most of a break ive had was last year when I was in hospital for a yr with mh issues. I might be able to find someone to go walking with me though. Maybe someone in the local area would like a walking buddy.
That is true, I guess what works for some doesnt always work for others. Im so use to just doing everything for others I hadnt thought about what I need/want.
I had a counsellor but not currently, im looking for one atm but felt I needed a break from truama work. I wont be going back to truama work and the last therapist said it was trauma work or dont come back.
Your psych sounds really good, I hope I can find one like yours!

Elizabeth CP · ‎30-07-2018

Good luck finding someone to walk with.

I don't class being in hospital as a break & you certainly don't want to get to that point again. I can understand wanting a break from trauma work. You are more than just trauma!!! & need to look at the whole person & situation which for you includes your caring role. I hope you find a good therapist who can help you work out what will help you.

Peppermintbach · ‎30-07-2018

Hi Butterfly Wings (Startingnew) and a wave to all your caring supporters,

Thank you so much for mentioning this thread to me. It’s moving to see you are receiving such kind and caring support here.

I have little to add to the deep caring and collective wisdom (especially as I’ve never been a career) here at the moment but I’m just saying hello and “bookmarking” this thread for now 🙂

Love always, “Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

startingnew · ‎01-08-2018

Thank you Elizabeth and Pepper xox

Hi to everyone,

well... my pops condition is worsening abit so im going to enquire more about other services that might help both myself and him in managing pain and conditions more efficiently.

ill need to work out something for early october because i have a minor surgical procedure but will need 2 days of basically doing nothing then easing back in, then within the next 6 months ill be having another surgical procedure but more extensive than the last so will need a longer time to recover. i know i shouldnt worry about it now but the times goes rather quickly and i worry with his worsening abilities that itll be harder to get help.

ive only found out ill need surguries in the past day so its rather unexpected.

banjo_cat · ‎11-08-2018

hang in there startingnew

i am only a young carer but know what it is like to care for some one i have been doing it sills i wa about 11 years old so about 6 yaers now by caring for my Nanni when she come home from having her leg thaten off below the knee so yey i am her unpaid carer as my mum is soospe to be her care but thtat life my advice is you always need to look after yourself advice i should that myself . by that a hour here and there .

startingnew · ‎13-08-2018

hello banjo cat and welcome

thanks for your post, its lovely to meet you. your doing a fantastic job being a carer too, i hope you are taking breaks and look after yourself too xox

startingnew · ‎23-09-2018

Hello Everyone

i thought id give this thread abit of an update. i still feel very selfish and made to feel selfish whenever i need a break but i have been able to reduce things abit. i only work at the second job every 3 days now instead of every day. i make sure i get out of the house for a an hr or so or if im at home i still set aside time for myself like having a bath or doing something quielty by myself for a while.

My pop is currently away for a few days so im getting more time to myself as well and a break for that part of my life. i still have family roles ad responsibilities but this break is good esp with study coming up as well.

Thank you guys for encouraging and helping me to take a step or 2 in making time for myself and helping with current burnout/preventing future burnout.

startingnew · ‎08-10-2018

Hey Nat,

if your still reading, would you mind if i ask you about something you said in your post? i think its starting to happen and wondered if you could offer some advice?