Is it selfish to want a break?

[startingnew]

Hi Everyone

I work as an in-home/live-in carer (so am 'on duty' 24/7), help care for siblings (every morning for school runs, some afternoons, usually at least one day of a weekend, and school holidays i have them more often than not ) Ive also had to take on abit of a side job for a few hrs every second day as finances are really tight atm.

I know others have it much worse than i do, so i feel really awful for even wanting a break. I was told by a few people offline that i should be spending as much time with family as possible because im lucky to have one and my aged family member wont last forever. I am grateful to have a family but with the constant caring for everyone, i feel its starting to take its taking its own toll on top of my mh and physical conditions.

I have been a carer or a 'helper' as long as i can remember and jumped straight from school into another caring role, whilst still keeping the previous commitments and/or adding new ones. Each time i meantion something that doesnt suit my families lifestyle (mind you its only me, anyone else they are supportive of) it ends in an argument or just goes well with my inner self that says i really dont deserve or need a break so shut down.

So im wondering if it is selfish to want to just take a few days off or try to have a day or 2 off a week? Is it selfish to want to want to see abit more than just my local area and explore other options for life rather than just caring for others? I am pretty conflicted at the moment.

[Quercus]

Hi SN,

I have to go into a training course very soon so this is a very quick reply but an important one....

NO.

No it is not selfish. At all. It is normal. Utterly completely normal. Carers, parents... Whatever we are we need time for ourselves or we burn out.

The worst risk I have seen is the risk of resenting those we care for. You can't put your life on hold for others otherwise one day do you think you might turn around and wonder when did I get to live?

One day off a week MINIMUM! and one hour EVERY SINGLE DAY! No joke. My child health nurse calls it the hour of power.

It is not a matter of selfishness. It is a matter of survival and preventing burn out. She actually told me that if I kept saying it sounds good in theory but it wasn't practical to do she would get my psychiatrist to write a "prescription" for an hour a day time out recharge time to give hubby.

Will talk more when I can ok. But think about this please....

What's wrong with being a little bit selfish sometimes?

❤ Nat

[Elizabeth CP]

Although my caring role is different to yours I care for my husband & my children are grown up I can totally relate. My psych tries to drum it into my head that I need a break & I need to ignore the guilty feelings. Fortunately unlike you my family also agree I need breaks. I cared for my mum for 12 years after my dad died as she was in a wheelchair. My children were young at the time. Soon after she died my husband was diagnosed with a degenerative condition so 1o years on I became a full time carer for him. I share this to let you see that I have some understanding of what it is like to be a carer.

I have learnt the hard way that pushing yourself too far only leads to problems including physical & mental health issues & a risk of injury. I have injured myself a few times when stressed & trying to do too much t once so don't take care!!!!

I have found speaking to Carers Australia helpful & they may be able to link you into other organisation which can help. I have been on a few activities for carers which has been good. Doing something fun with others who understand what it is like to be a carer is good. I have been given assistance & more importantly encouragement to have a break.

It is not selfish to need a break. To keep looking after your family members you need to remain as well as possible so taking a break to look after yourself actually helps them. .

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Startingnew,

NO!! It is absolutely not selfish to want a break.

Carers are some of the most amazing people on the planet and they often forget to look after themselves.

If you don't take care of yourself too, it could lead to a position where you're no longer able to care for your family- meaning that your own health could start to decline.

When my mum was losing her fight to cancer, our family all pitched in to care for her so she could spend her last couple of weeks at home instead of a hospital. We all made sure we took turns leaving the house, even for an hour or so just to clear your head. Caring can be so intense and takes a huge toll on everyone involved.

If you're family are unable to help, maybe even get a hired carer in for a couple of hours a week just to give you that break. I think Anglicare offer that service : )

I would never take back caring for my mum and now that she's gone, I have no regrets about how we managed things.

I hope that helps

Keep up with your amazingness!!

Lots of love

Gem

[startingnew]

Hi Nat, Gem and Elizabeth

Thank you for your posts, i hope its ok to respond abit better tomorrow. Feeling abit out of sorts tonight so best i leave posting till tomorrow

I really did want to acknowlege your posts to me though, i greatly appreciate it xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Nat,
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot


Your post did give me abit to think about esp the part about resentment. I think I head down that path sometimes but without meaning to. I have quite a few Grrr moments where I think I just want a breather from life. I get the urge to run from everything and everyone even though I know it wont solve anything.
I do feel rather stuck and out of place for most things though because growing up (besides trauma which has made things even more complex) ive always had so many responsibilities and expectations. I really dont like to admit it but in a way I think I may be going 'sour' im not sure if that makes sense- let me know though if it doesnt and burning/already burnt out . I dont really know how to live outside being a carer or through the eyes of a carer/someone with mh issues. I guess the expectations ive always had has shaped the way I have high expectations of myself too, like im failing if im not caring, trying to help or worrying about others. When people ask me what would I like to do, I can never answer it because all ive done is horses and caring, in a way I guess its also become my comfort zone.


'The hour of Power' is a good description. Do you mind if I ask what sorts of things you do? This is another thing im stuck on, I dont even know what to do with myself outside my roles. I can watch movies during the day when its quiet and do small amounts of artwork but other than that Im not really sure. I wanted to do abit of study but im not sure whether thats a good idea as yet.


When my brain does stop to argue abit, I do think it sounds good and talking here to you guys im thinking a break sounds really good but how do I implement it?

[startingnew]

Hi Elizabeth


I can relate to your story too and thank you for sharing that with me. I cared for my nan who had cancer, lung issues amongst something else but I cant remember exactly what it was so she was in a wheelchair too and needed assistance for pretty much everything, meals that she was able to eat but still nutritous.


She passed away just over 2 yrs ago and I become pops carer a yr before nan passed away so 3 yrs now. I done lots of things for my nan though while I was in school and unpaid to help give my pop a break and my mum would help for a few hrs through the day as well.
I get what you mean about being stressed and injuring yourself because you just dont think.


I linked in with Young carers last yr (I am 21) but I only receive news letters and updates. They have a site but I cant seem to find much about linking in with others or supports.
It might be worth contacting carers australia though and having a look at the site again.


My family unfortunatly are the ones to only notice when I havent done something, like the kitchen tables a mess or I hadnt vaccumed the floor but they wont offer to help. My pop doesnt help much with the critism though, when we go to family functions he makes me sound like im not caring for him by complaining about ailments that I try to get him help for but he refuses or makes excuses for me not to organise something for him. Ive had many people come up to me and have a go at me or question pretty much everything I do and what im not doing etc. Since he is still has good cognitive function, he is still able to make his own decsions etc so I am stuck in that position where I can help but I cant unless he says yes. Its a tricky spot to be in thats for sure.

[startingnew]

Hi Gem


I am far from amazing but thank you. Usually when I think of taking care of myself I think of the basics like nutrition, hydration, hygeine but I dont usually think of a break because my thoughts always thing its selfish and am often made to feel by others that it is wrong.


Im sorry to hear about your mum too, cancer really is tough, my nan had it too and it was hard to watch and sometimes even help even though thats what I wanted to do. Unfortunatly ive had to cover the experience of trying to save her (I called the ambulance on loud speaker while trying to help her cause pop was a mess and I was trying to get him to call mum) she lived for another 2 weeks before peacefully passing. I dont regret caring for her, it was a really tough gig though! i do have alot of good memories though and those are the ones i focus on.




Thank you, ill have a look at Anglicare too, he is usually ok to leave for a few hrs but im usually at work or with the kids and not taking time out. im starting to see that maybe taking a break isnt as selfish as i think it is, just need to find things id like to do and how to incorporate breaks into my routine as well.

[startingnew]

Oh i meant to ask, what sorts of things do you/did you like to do when you were having breaks? or how did you discover the things you liked? Ive only known caring and horses so im abit stuck on how to go about that

and also i did have a break once or twice before but the guilt was eating at me so came back. how did you deal and work through the guilt esp to start with?

[tnb2910]

It is most definitely not selfish it is called Self Care and it is extremely important that you look after yourself because if you get sick or just can't cope anymore who will look after your pop. You need at least 1 day a week where you can do what you want for yourself whether it's binge watching something on netflix or reading a good book, catching up with friends etc. I also don't think it is unreasonable to take time out for a weekend away or a holiday. If your family can't support you with this find out about getting respite care for your pop so you can have the break you deserve.

And yes you are amazing to take care of your Grandparents, I told my 19 year old daughter the other day that if I couldn't look after myself I didn't want her doing it and she thought I didn't trust her until I pointed out that she has a right to live her life the way she wants and she shouldn't spend it looking after me then proceeded to tell her that if Nan or Pop couldn't look after themselves it is the same deal they'd rather go into care than have myself or my sisters looking after them long term.