I suppose this is an introduction

[Mini_Anonymous]

I really needed somewhere to go to right now, I don't really know why.

Ok, so some context: I'm in year 12 at high school and have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, even though I believe that I've had at least depression for a while now. I grew up with my mother having custody over me, although I live with my father now. She was... mentally unstable, as in she would constantly see people following her and spying on her. One very memorable drama lesson she called me claiming that someone was pumping toxic gas underneath the door of the unit, and was asking me what she should do, stuff along those lines. On top of that, she was majorly into a religion called Brama Kumaris, that's main doctrine is all about this rapture-like apocalypse that was going to happen "very soon"right up until I was 14 or so, so I grew up believing that nothing I did would matter because the end of the world was coming. But that's all water under the bridge now, I've moved away from my mum.

Depressed Rant incoming:

I guess I want to make this post to try and get some help. I don't even know if I want help. I feel so helpless all of the time to do anything and that majorly affecting my school life. I don't know how to do something, but I feel so anxious asking my teachers for help so it won't get done. I feel like I can't get extensions because I don't deserve it.I don't think I deserve anything. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even depressed. I have an amazing father, a great best friend, a supportive group of friends, and I live in a middle class environment. I should have everything I want so why aren't I happy? I feel like I don't deserve to be depressed or to have anxiety, because everything is great now. People tell me not to blame myself, but it's hard not to when everyone holds you accountable for being depressed. I have 3 assignments due in tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm doing on any of them. I was just staring at my math assignment for hours. I heard my dad say "sweetie, don't waste your life". I don't want to waste my life. I want to be motivated and I want to be able to work. I want to make my father proud, as cliched as it sounds. But as many plans that I make to get it done, I just can't. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I want everyone to pity me, so I can make it though life easier. I don't really know anymore

[BballJ]

Hi Mini_Anonymous,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

You have come to the right place for help and support, this is a safe non judgemental environment.

I just wanted to recap what you said about feeling like you don't deserve to be depressed... I heard a quote a while back and it said.. being depressed isn't being sad when things are going wrong, it's being sad when things are going right... we all have a right to feel how we feel, we don't want to feel this way but we do... you also deserve to be helped... have you ever considered speaking to a psychologist? I know you get anxious asking for help but sometimes you need too and sometimes people are more understanding that you may think. You owe it to yourself to be happy. It's great you have a loving father and a great group of friends, that become a great support network when recovering from any mental health issue. Maybe there is a school counsellor you can speak too?

I started getting anxiety when I was in year 12 as well, a lot of family drama happened to me, I went through most of my 20's hiding from the fact I might of had a mental illness, but when I finally reached out for help, it was the best thing I did.

Please, feel free to post back as much as you like, always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hi Mini_Anonymous, the quote by Jay is excellent 'it's being sad when things are going right', basic but brilliant and how very true.
It sounds as though you're better off living with your dad, but year 12 is so stressful, something that really needs to change, but not here, however it does cause so many people to become worried and then anxious as well as depressed, that's not good.
Sometimes we never know why we are depressed because there may not be any significant reason, especially when you seem to have all you want, but there can't be any justification by saying 'I don't deserve to be depressed or to have anxiety', I'm sure a lot of us have said exactly the same thing, but most often it's too powerful.
Your father obviously loves you so I suggest you sit down with him and let him know how you are feeling, he needs to know and I'm definitely sure he wants to know, because one mistake most of us (if I can say this ) do is cross our fingers and hope it goes away, with depression it normally doesn't.
You can keep this quiet between you and your dad, because once your friends know about how you are feeling some of them may decide to leave you alone and disappear, even though they will have pity on you.
Google the K-10 test on depression, do it a few times over a couple of days and then ask your dad to go with you to see a GP, but please try not to procrastinate. Geoff.