I'm too tired to care anymore.

[Anon_1234]

To be honest, I just couldn't care less about anything anymore.

I've got 2 assignment due tomorrow, and I don't even care about the repercussions if I don't hand them in. There's just no point, I'm going to live, work, work, work, work and die. There's no happy ending for me and, if i'm being honest, I don't even deserve one anyway. I'm a terrible person, and there's nothing any of you could say to make me change my opinion.

I've ruined my parents marriage and have just made life more miserable, without even trying. My dad is dying cancer, and he can't afford treatment. That is my fault. A couple of weeks before it was diagnosed, I was visiting him, and while we were playing, he slipped and broke his arm. He hasn't been able to work since, and hasn't been able to earn money. If I hadn't played with him, he would have enough money to afford treatment.

I've cried for too long, I think i've got no more tears left. I just don't even care anymore.

I'm too lazy to even think of attempting suicide, and I've got nothing to wake up to. Everyone hates me, and I hate myself too.

I've tried to change my mindset, and even working out, but there's no point if i'm going to die eventually.

The only reason I'm even writing on this is because I promised my old therapist.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Anon#1234

That is really great news that your dad has been able to beat his battle with cancer, that is such great news for your family too.

The reason I did mention it was more from a point of asking you if he was perhaps someone with whom you could share how you are feeling at the moment and share with him some of the thoughts you are having?

School is a very interesting place in that there are so many young people who are trying to find their way in the world and trying to figure out not only what they want to do in life but who they are. This as you know is a really tricky time and everyone is trying to fit in and make friends and find out where they belong. Along the way it does leave room for bullying and making others feel bad at the intention of making ones self feel better or making ones self journey less painful.

There could be a million reasons that we could speculate why those who have humiliated you or bullied you in the past are now showing kindness...we could spend all of our time wondering and considering why, but how I have managed this in the past is with caution, but kindness. I do believe people can modify behaviors so maybe something has happened to them that they have considered their behavior in the past and are making an effort to right the wrongs. People do get the chance at a second chance for me, as I do believe people can change, however if after that they prove not to be worthy of my kindness and friendship then I am happy for them to move on. I think if you take each interaction in how it is intended and if they are being kind you may choose to accept with caution, enter into a brief conversation but let them show you what they are intending.

I am so proud you are here talking and I hope that it is helping in some small way. I am wondering how you are feeling and how the past few days have been for you.

We care about you so very much and I hope that you also have been able to think about the Kids Helpline too, they are so wonderful Anon#1234.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Anon_1234]

I've been planning on calling Kids Helpline, but I have assignments that I have to focus on first. When I'm done them, I'm going to call them ASAP.

I know that people can change, but I just can't trust them, they made me feel worthless for the majority of my life, and I've developed trust issues because of them, I can't help but assume they're trying to do something to hurt me more, and I don't want to give them that chance to do something to me.

Thanks to everyone for talking to me, I've still been getting those thoughts, and I've been having panic attacks about them, but I'll try to find some help.

[Aaronsis]

Great that you are going to give the help line a call.

I also wanted to take this moment to point out something that is pretty cool to you....you may already know this but I want to say how proud I was of you when I read "I have assignments to focus on first"...see that is a very different place you are coming from than when you first posted here Anon#1234, when you said "I've got 2 assignment due tomorrow, and I don't even care about the repercussions if I don't hand them in".. I am wondering if you can see this win? I can hear a person who is in a different mindset to the one who first posted here.

I also wanted to bring your attention to how much blame you put on yourself when you talked about your dad, that he was sick, that he could not afford treatment as he could not work and this was a result of an injury and the injury occurred while playing with you, there fore it was all your fault and you said "I am a terrible person". I just wanted to reflect on that with you as now your father is better, you said he "managed to beat it".. I wanted to unpack that with you so that you could see how your father's journey and his treatment path actually had nothing to do with you...nothing at all...and therefore how on earth could you be a terrible person.

I am wondering if you can use this example to see that our thoughts can take us on very ugly and dark journeys and mostly they are untrue. I am hoping you can afford yourself the notion that you are not a terrible person at all. That when those thoughts come to you you can stop, and ask yourself "is that true"....I wonder if the answer will be no..I am quite sure it will be.

I feel so proud of you that you have been able to share here and been able to be so raw with how you are feeling and what you have been thinking, this is half the journey too, sharing and getting some feedback and also questioning.

Hope to chat to you some more, when you are ready and have some time, there is no pressure from us.

Hugs

Sarah

[Anon_1234]

Yeah. I can see that I've probably been getting a better mindset.

I can't help but think that it's all my fault, or that I'm awful. If I wasn't so bad, why would I have been constantly harassed? I don't know any other answers but that, it's the only one that makes sense to me.

[Anon_1234]

Here's a sort of update, I guess...

I talked to Kids Helpline, literally just got off the phone 3 minutes ago, and while I'm not going to say I'm 'cured' or 'better', I think I've calmed down from what I tried to do 2 days ago.

Thanks for all the help so far, everyone. Day 1 of me trying to get better, I guess?

[Aaronsis]

Oh wow.... this is the best news of today Anon#1234...

It is day 1 and everyday is day 1... the chance to make some choices that make u feel... something... happy or even crying to purge those feelings.

Kids Helpline are true gems and I encourage you to call them as often as you need. Talking and getting a new perspective is so helpful I have found.

I would also like to thank your therapist for asking you to post here.... and mostly that u did... if only to satisfy him/ her... I can see how you are taking the reins now of your journey and this is so wonderful.

I hope u can also talk through how you are feeling with the people at your school and accepting that the issues are with them and never about you... that is a hard concept to digest as you are the one they lashed out at... but usually what people project out is usually the very thing they themselves struggle with.

Keep your eyes focused ahead and see the good days to come.. u are making this happen and I am so proud of you.

Hugs and so happy for you Anon#1234

Sarah

[Tay100]

Hi Anon#1234

It's good to hear that you could get onto KidsLine, they are a great resource. You are right as well- it's good to take these things one day at a time. Feel free to keep us updated on how you go if you like.

Tay100

[Anon_1234]

Hey there, everyone. Been talking to Kids Helpline a bit, and I'm going to go see a therapist tomorrow.

Guess that'll be the start of my actual road to recovery then.

I'm kinda nervous, but I know I gotta do it.

[Tay100]

Hi Anon#1234

It's good to hear KidsLine have been helpful- and feel free to let us know the therapist goes- we are here to listen if you'd like to talk to us about the therapy experience if you like!

Tay100