I'm over it... SO over it.

[spontaneous sunflower]

this time last year i was in a similar position- not going to school, depressed, days blurring together, etc, only by the end of the month, things were looking up again. This time feels different, because I'm not supposed to be like this right now. I was supposed to be happy and thriving. I was supposed to be studying for exams, looking forward to school holidays and hanging out with friends on the weekend. Instead I'm not going to be doing exams, I'm graduating in 2021 instead of next year and I feel absolutely nothing 98% of the time. My parents are supportive and would do anything to help, but they're busy with work. It's selfish but I always wish they put more time into my situation. I wish they called the psychologist when I first asked them to, and I wish they would talk to my school and sort something out. I'm sick of waiting for the psychologist to get back to us. I'm sick of feeling aimless, floating through life, not knowing what will happen next or if anything will happen at all. I'm sick of waiting for something to happen. No one barely ever gets what they want by simply waiting, I know, but I am paralysed. I can't talk to my mum about my feelings anymore because I know what she'll say- "you just have to try." Like geez, if only someone told me that 2 months ago, then I wouldn't be in this situation anymore!!! (note the sarcasm). I know my mum means best, but she doesn't always get it. I don't know what to do, I'm paralysed, I have no motivation most days or at least, motivation to do something that really matters anyway. The most productive things I've done in maybe the past month is bake and clean, which are rather mindless tasks really. I should be emailing my school, getting to bed and waking up early, studying, exercising, taking proper care of myself. But I simply can't. It's like the part of my brain that knows how to do those things is malfunctioning.

I want to achieve great things in my life- get good grades, travel, go to uni, become a journalist, make a positive change in the world. But I can't think about doing any of that right now, because I can't do the bare minimum. I want to at least be healthy and fit, and a good student. But I can't go to school or exercise or eat properly or sleep properly.

I'm so completely utterly absolutely over it. I just want to be happy and okay. I'm sick of just surviving, I want to LIVE. I'm so over depression and anxiety paralysing me and keeping me from being who i want to be.

[Heart_On_Sleeve]

Hi Sunflower, from what you have written you seem to be a very intelligent teenager and know what you want in life. That’s one great start to your future! Plus you obviously have high regards for your parents although they haven’t helped much lately.

I too as a Mum get consumed by work, and arrive home exhausted having to cook clean and nag re homework. My two are only 7 & 11 however I would certainly hope that if there was something really bothering them that they’d talk to me.

Perhaps your embarrassed as I was as a teen opening up to my Mum. Would suggest to ask your Mum , Dad or both to please put some time aside to talk about some problems and express this is serious. I’m sure they will drop everything hearing the word serious.

And seriously if you need to have a crying meltdown to get it off your chest then do so. Ask them for help and tell them you’re not coping. Even tell them that you’re posting on this page seeking help & advice because you’re not getting the help you need.

Tough conversation to have but you will feel so much better and your parents will know what you’re going through. Please try to talk to them.

Wishing you luck, here to chat 😊